


Friday Night Dinners

by KatieDingo



Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-16 12:41:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 57,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17549879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieDingo/pseuds/KatieDingo
Summary: Caroline and Gillian; a match made over Friday night dinners. At the end of S4 we find Caroline living in a new house, with a new job and no girlfriend. Robbie has just left Gillian to live in Canada. This fic explores how Caroline and Gillian could get together. A bit of angst, following on from where Sally Wainwright and RED left their characters, but all will be okay in the end. (p.s. They’re 48 yr old women - there will be sex. Just saying...)





	1. Monday - The New School

**Author's Note:**

> I've been inspired by VivianDarkBloom and everyone on the SS Caroline/Gillian ship, as well as all the others writing about Caroline and Kate. Thank you all for your fabulous writing. This is my first attempt at fiction, fic or otherwise, so feel free to give me constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note:
> 
> Folks, this fic is the story of what might happen to Caroline and Gillian after the end of S4 in LTIH. Sally Wainwright and RED left the characters in a pretty sorry state at the end, presumably giving themselves lots of room for drama in any potential S5. Looking at the last few episodes though, it seemed to me that SW was setting us up for a relationship between Caroline and Gillian. If they were male and female, I reckon they'd have already gone there. If you look at the last few minutes of S04E02, you will see Gillian fascinated by Caroline being kissed by Olga. Seriously. It looks like she's watching a car crash - can't take her eyes of it. Then they have a close up single shot of Gillian just plain gawping at Caroline. Sooooo, after all the compulsive touching of Caroline by Gillian going back to S02, and an ending like that, I'm taking this ‘ship for a sail. 
> 
> I loved the Caroline and Kate saga, and hated how that ended. But I'm choosing to move on and see where Caroline might go with this. Caroline is damaged and different, struggling at the moment with all the change, massive amounts of responsibility and still grieving the loss of her wife. With that in mind, this fic has a bit of drama at the start. To do Caroline justice, I felt I had to deal with that, so it is a bit tough for her in the first few chapters. Do bear with me though. It does lighten up, I promise. I have tried to stick as closely as I can to canon, and to be as respectful as I can of all the characters, including Kate. 
> 
> Gillian has been treated appallingly by the show. I see her as significantly damaged by 17 years of physical, sexual and psychological abuse by the piece of shit Eddie. I have minimised this trauma to some extent, but underneath all that, I think Gillian is actually a genuinely kind person who spends most of her life trying to get by and to look after others. Thinking about how she cares for Raff and her dad, I think there is a lot to like about her. The rest of her behaviours, I think, are coping mechanisms, reflecting the trauma of abuse. I hope to show this other side of her a bit more.
> 
> I figured that Caroline and Gillian are 48 by this stage, and both are strong, smart and fairly independent women who like sex. I would imagine that they would be all over each other at the start, like most people are at the start of a relationship, so I've included some of that too. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it.

The door to her new office closed behind her, shutting out the noise of the first day of spring term and the facade slid from her face. Dropping her bag on the floor, Caroline McKenzie-Dawson placed both hands carefully on the desk, closed her eyes a let out a sigh. Head Teacher at Crow Wood Park Academy, the local high school in Halifax. The weight of responsibility of 1500 students and more than 100 staff settled on her shoulders and it was all new; new house, new job and no girlfriend for support. 

Mind you, the last item on that list was self-inflicted. She knew that. That’s what happens when you decide to be ethical and cauterise the wound that was your dalliance with Olga she told herself, the friendly and gorgeous wine merchant she’d been shagging on the quiet for the last six months. It was lovely while it lasted, but it had been time to stop using Olga’s joie de vivre to ward off the grief of losing Kate and the loneliness that followed.

The sound of the bell snapped her out of her reverie. She mentally took stock of herself and her day. She was strong, resilient and capable, had a PhD in Chemistry and a Master of Education degree. She’d been Head Teacher of a successful public school for a decade and had more or less successfully parented two children to adulthood. Well, Lawrence was still dubious but William was well on his way to being a decent adult. Flora was yet to reach two so didn’t really count in this list of parenting achievements. Somehow reiterating her successes didn’t stop the rising panic in her belly, as she was terrified that they were going to eat her alive here. Straightening her back and with a deep breath, Caroline told herself to be positive, anchored a smile to her face and got on with it. 

The day flew, filled with new people and protocols, a new laptop and IT systems. There were plenty of little things to learn but with this Caroline was in her comfort zone. A keen intellect and a prodigious memory were obvious to all within a few minutes after taking in the striking blonde hair and the iridescent blue eyes. There were even a few who dared to challenge her authority; it didn’t take long for word to spread amongst the staff and students that the new Head Teacher had a sharp tongue when needed and relished any verbal jousting. Little did they know that Caroline had been trained since birth by her mum, the acidic Celia, so they were playing a master of the cutting remark. While not one of her preferred characteristics, it nonetheless had its uses. 

The highlight of her day was the tentative knowledge that she might have a supporter with her personal assistant Sheryl. A good P.A. could make her new job so much easier and Sheryl seemed to know what she was doing. It was clear even by lunchtime that Sheryl was the school gossip as well as the Office Manager, which was as handy as it was terrifying. Despite being surreptitiously peppered with personal questions, Caroline had managed to keep Sheryl and the administrative team focused on school business with either a glare designed to cut through concrete, or by ignoring the questions altogether. 

By 5.30pm the students had bled from the premises with the staff not far behind, leaving Caroline in solitude in her office in the quiet residue of the day. Pulling on her wrap to counter the closing cold once the heating had shut down, she wandered the corridors of her new school, the sound of her boots loud on the polished linoleum floors. It was her favourite part of the day, allowing for reflection as her mind spun with a thousand possibilities. It was the ability to calculate all the potential scenarios in advance that enabled her to plot a course through treacherous educational waters - this talent had got her here, in a large school full of hormonal 11 to 18 year olds with a reputation for violence and low academic achievement. She knew from experience that there were probably four or five key things she could change that would shift the way the school functioned quite quickly. She just had to find what they were.

Caroline stopped and let the silence settle. With only the sound of her breath for company, she placed her hand on the cool wall and absorbed the energy of the building. If only walls could talk; if only they’d spill their secrets, she’d know what to do. Instead she was going to have to do it the hard way. Caroline closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. After a hundred and one tiny little irritations had eaten away at her self-esteem over the last two years, she wasn’t entirely sure she was up for the challenge.


	2. Monday Evening - The Split

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Caroline's first day at her new job, she heads home and then to Gillian's for a cuppa. 
> 
> TW: Some discussion of family violence but nothing graphic.

Caroline stepped out of her black Jeep and a thundering toddler, whose noise levels and impact belied her size, hit her legs. Laughing, she picked up her daughter Flora.

“I’ve missed you today. What have you been doing?” Caroline kissed Flora and gave her a long hug. She breathed in the toddler’s scent and a calm washed over her as the day fell away.

“Went to Bumbles. Had cake.”

“Cake? Sounds yummy. Let’s see what Granny’s up to.” Caroline said with more energy than she felt, hoping that her mum Celia had started to cook dinner and she wouldn’t have play chef tonight.

Their living arrangements had changed somewhat since the move up north two weeks ago. The separate granny flat in Harrogate for Celia and Alan had become the second bedroom inside Caroline’s house in Halifax, so it felt like they were all living on top of one another. It was handy having her mother and Alan there to help look after Flora, but she hated the thought of her mother knowing everything that she did. There were definitely some things that were best kept private.

“Had a good day love?”

“Yes Mum. It all went really well. I met the Chair of the Governors today and she seemed to be on the ball.” A right bitch is what she really thought, but she’d wait to pass a more considered judgment the next time they met, just in case it was first day blues influencing her normally spot-on people reading skills.

Celia wasn’t having any of it. She had a nose for spotting deception from a mile away, so Celia unleashed a half-baked maternal death stare. Even with the lower wattage it wasn’t long before Caroline relented, answering with a sigh, “She knows what she wants, but I haven’t worked out how to make it happen yet. Early days. We’ll see.”

Celia eyed her daughter and couldn’t resist one more dig. “Well, if you hadn’t left Sulgrave Health, you wouldn’t be in this predicament.” Seeing that Caroline actually looked really tired, Celia refrained from saying anything more on the topic.

Caroline shook her head to expel the sting. She’d heard it all before from her two boys, William and Lawrence, so it wasn’t new. Everyone had an opinion about the move and none of it was positive. She left the kitchen to get changed and get Flora ready for bed. What she really wanted to do was talk to Gillian about it. Somehow her sister-in-law had become her confidant, the one person with whom she could be truly honest. She didn’t quite know how it had happened, but gradually over the last eighteen months, Gillian had quietly slipped underneath her formidable barriers and settled close to her heart. Somehow just being in the farmer’s company soothed her.

After Flora was tucked up in bed and the story told, Caroline had called Gillian. “Can I come over? I know it’s late but I could do with your company, if you’re up.”

“Okay. I’ll put kettle on. See you in five.”

The big advantage of the move was that she was now living close to Gillian. They were so different, the sheep farmer and the head teacher, but Alan’s daughter Gillian, and Celia’s daughter Caroline had been pushed together by the marriage of their respective parents three years ago and they had unexpectedly become quite attached. They both seemed to understand that the requirements of their roles as women and parents which seemed to strangle them at times and they found common ground more often than not. It also helped that they had bonded over shared secrets and they’d grown to accept the flaws in the other in a way that no one else had. This lack of judgment was a blessed relief to them both and they had slowly become good friends.

As Caroline pulled into the courtyard of Gillian’s farm, she could see Gillian standing outside in the cold with two mugs steaming in her hands. She got out of the Jeep and let herself be enveloped in a hug, her head lying on Gillian’s muscular shoulder. She finally let herself relax, for the first time in days and she felt her breathing change. Gillian noted the change and with a squeeze, let Caroline go.

“So how was the first day?” She waited for an answer, but Caroline seemed to be lost in her thoughts, looking down the valley at the lights of Halifax in the distance.

“That bad?”

Caroline snapped out of her daze. “It was okay. It’s really about working out who does what and how everything fits together. Once I have a handle on that I can start moving the levers and see how I can turn it around. First days really are shit though, aren’t they?” She smiled at Gillian. “It’s funny, but now I’m here, I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m just happy for your company.”

They both turned and walked inside, navigating the furniture and landing heavily on the sagging burgundy couch. The fire was blazing in front of them but the bulk of the warmth only reached a few feet. The drafty old farmhouse was not the solid barrier from the outside that you would expect.

They sat in comfortable silence, watching the glow of the fire. Caroline finally broke the peace. “So how are you?”

Gillian stared down at her mug, wondering just what to say. Caroline was the only one who knew what had happened with her first husband Eddie. Knew why she’d married his brother Robbie, and knew that it was going to end at some stage. She mumbled into her mug, “Me an’ Robbie have split.”

Caroline turned sharply to look at her. Her eyes gently questioned Gillian, who stared into the fire. “When did this happen?” Caroline knew to wait and let Gillian reveal what was going on, but her mind was spinning. How much had Gillian told him? Robbie was a retired police officer with a large streak of cowardice. He’d known about the abuse his brother Eddie had dished out to Gillian during their marriage until Eddie’s death twelve years ago, and yet Robbie had done nothing to stop it. In fact, he’d tried to have Gillian arrested after Eddie’s death, so it was an understatement to say that Caroline was not very fond of Robbie. Gillian and Robbie getting married 18 months ago was a disaster waiting to happen as far as she could tell, but she’d long since stopped advising people about their lives. She felt like she’d made such a mess of her own that she had no wisdom to offer anyone any more.

Gillian sipped her tea and Caroline waited. “Two days ago, after all those accidents in the barn. It were like Eddie were going to kill him and I had to get Robbie to leave. I’ve been going mental about it for weeks, ever since Robbie nearly died. There were so much blood after the last one, with the grinder. It really scared me.” Gillian took another sip of her tea, trying to get her thoughts together. “When it were just me, it were okay, but I couldn’t do it to Robbie.” She stopped, gripping her mug while she stared into the fire.

“So I told him. I told him everything. Well, not about you knowing, but about Eddie and about murdering him. I had to. I shouldn’t have married him, but I am fond of him and I couldn’t have that on my conscience too.” She paused, not really wanting to say the rest out loud. She glanced towards the barn, speaking quietly as if to avoid irritating the dead. “Eddie’s evil and he’s still in there, I know it.”

It didn’t seem possible to Caroline that Gillian could be any smaller, but she seemed to shrink even further into her skin and slumped deeper into the couch. Caroline could see warm light from the fire flickering on the Gillian’s profile, as the grief and the loneliness wandered across the woman’s frame, somehow anchoring in her gut as she absentmindedly clutched and scratched at her belly.

Caroline pulled her into a hug and Gillian started to sob. Body shaken and shoulder wet, her arms held the farmer tight, one hand circling slowly around Gillian’s back like she was mustering out the grief and fear. Providing support wasn’t what she’d intended by coming here tonight, but now she had her arms around Gillian, she was aware of just how close they were. The scent of hay and sheep and something intrinsically Gillian was filling her nostrils and warming her far more than the fire.

Gillian’s crying became softer and gradually stopped. She clung to Caroline for a bit longer and then disentangled herself, sniffing “Sorry. I didn’t mean that to happen. I feel like such a mess at the moment, more than usual.”

“That’s okay. You needed to.” Wary of the answer, she hesitantly asked, “What did he say? Is he going to report you to the police?”

“No, he says he won’t.” She gazed into the fire, miles away in thought. “He’s going to Canada. To live, probably. I don’t know if he’s coming back. He’ll be leaving this week or next, he said.”

“So he’s leaving the country? For good? Wow. Okay.”

They sat in silence for a while after that, allowing the implications of this news to settle. So much had changed in the last few weeks and they were both struggling to take it all in.

Caroline stroked Gillian’s arm, the tenderness evident for them both to feel. “You okay?” Caroline grimaced. “Sorry. Stupid question.”

“I’m glad I told Robbie. It feels lighter somehow. Like I’ve let go of something. Like I can move on. I can still feel Eddie in the barn though. I don’t think he’ll ever leave.”

“Have you ever thought of moving? There have to be other farms around here…”

Gillian was aghast. “This is my place! I built this. Eddie didn’t. He’ll not run me out. This is mine.”

“Okay, okay.” Caroline pacified her. “It was just a thought.”

They sat in silence while the cold settled into their tired bones. Caroline knew she had to move. “I think I’d better head home. Day two tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I was supposed to be here for you, not the other way around, but the last week has been awful and it just came out. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You needed to talk and I’m here. It is hard, but it will seem easier in the morning. Call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah.” Gillian blinked and turned to face the blonde. “Thanks for listening. Dinner Friday night? Same as usual?”

“Sure. I’ll meet you at The Lion at 6.30.”

They both got up and hugged. Gillian stepped back, letting go of the protective warmth of Caroline. “Bye.”

“Bye. Bye bye.”

Caroline walked out into the winter’s night and climbed into her Jeep. The rumble of the diesel seemed to reverberate around the landscape now the fog had settled over the fields. It lent a surreal softening to all the questions that tumbled around in her head. Was Gillian really free of Robbie now he was going? Would he come back and turn her into the police? She sighed, put the car into gear and headed home. The fog outside reflected her internal state; she couldn’t see clearly enough to get her head around any of it.


	3. Friday - A Beaker of Pheromones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the end of the first week at her new school, Caroline meets the sexy siren Annafrid. She debrief with Gillian over their regular Friday night dinner.

By Friday Caroline felt like her brain was full. The first week at a new job was always tough, but this felt harder than it had previously. Caroline felt like she was getting old at work, which had never happened before, and it was hard not to be impatient with intransigent staff and systems that were well passed their prime. She was right about Sheryl, her P.A., who seemed to blossom with someone decent at the helm. Doug, the young 32-year-old Deputy Head was also going to be a godsend. Caroline had even managed to delegate some of the new research and report collection to him. 

It wasn’t all bad but too many systems had been left to founder. Fortunately Doug had some innovative ideas and Caroline was planning to implement the better ones. She could see that she and Doug were going to work well together and that was a relief. It gave her more confidence that she could actually pull off this miracle.

Meetings with the Academic Heads and the various student delegates had absorbed most of her week. She was starting to get a better sense of how the school ran and what needed to be done. Her last meeting on Friday afternoon was with the school social worker. Caroline’s eyebrows had snuck higher under her blonde fringe when Annafrid was shown into her office and she tried to wipe the flirtatious smile off her face as the tall, dark and attractive woman walked in. 

Caroline stood and held out her hand. “Caroline McKenzie-Dawson. You must be Annafrid,” she managed to get out. Caroline was kicking herself for being tired enough to give the game away when her blue eyes met clear brown eyes and a knowing grin spread upon Annafrid’s face.

“It really is a pleasure to meet you Caroline.” They shook hands and Annafrid held on for that fraction too long, causing Caroline to draw in a breath just a bit too sharply.

“Take a seat” Caroline suggested, waving to one of the chairs set to one side of the office. She was absolutely not falling for anyone at work again but then she was having trouble not flirting with this striking looking woman. Ever since her ex-husband’s affair and the breakdown of their marriage, Caroline’s latent queerness had risen from the depths of her subconscious to become front and centre. She found herself checking out women as they walked by, trying to be discreet, but there were times it was hard not to be obvious. She felt like a kid in a sweet shop when she was in a room full of women, not that she’d admit that to herself most days, let alone anyone else. She sat in a chair opposite Annafrid and stalled for time by taking a sip of water as a small flush rose up her neck.

She decided the best distraction was to continue with the fact-finding mission she had begun with the other meetings this week. “Tell me about the social support programs we have here, and what improvements you think would be worth implementing in the next six months.” 

Annafrid took a breath and launched into a detailed explanation of the programs and possible improvements. What Caroline hadn’t anticipated was the subtle lilt of a Norwegian accent. She found it implausibly seductive and kept surreptitiously looking at Annafrid’s mouth. It really wasn’t helping her to keep her body under control. Normally she had a great poker face, but this afternoon it had completely abandoned her. Pressing her nails into the soft skin of her palms seemed to be the only way of persuading her body to retain some sort of control. It may have been only a month since she’d broken up with Olga, but she liked sex and her body was clearly not liking the lack of it. It felt like open rebellion when she became aware she was staring at the rhythm of the pulse at Annafrid’s neck. It made her feel like a bloody vampire. Caroline swallowed to moisten her dry throat and thought of her mother; anything to will her body and brain into submission. 

Knowing that she’d completely lost track of Annafrid’s thoughtful discussion, Caroline resorted to the middle manager’s tactic of getting it in writing. “Cogently argued. Would you please send Doug and me a brief report with some recommendations and an explanation of why you would choose those options for the school? That would help us to formulate a plan for the next year or so.”

“I can do that. I’ll have it for you next week.” 

“Great. Thank you.” Standing up to signal the end of the meeting, they shook hands and nodded their goodbyes. Caroline was hugely relieved when she managed not to embarrass herself any further before Annafrid left the office. Shutting the door, she collapsed against it, berating her ovaries. “What the hell is wrong with you, you mutinous mongrels? Not playing fair, are you.” She twigged she was talking out loud to herself and then she really felt like she was losing it. She looked skyward, shook her head slowly and thought she’d better head home before she really blew it.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

The bar was getting rowdy, reflecting the Friday night revelry of those released from a week of work. The dining area was thankfully quieter and sitting alone at a table was Gillian. A bottle of red wine sat on the table and a glass had already been drained before Caroline strode in. Full of apologies for being late, Caroline shucked out of her coat, sank heavily into a chair and commenced pouring a large red for them both. She downed half a glass of the cabernet sauvignon before she came up for air and properly looked at Gillian. 

“Sorry I’m late. It’s been a hell of a week. How are you? How is it without Robbie?”

“Not too bad considering. It’s a bit of a relief to be honest. I’ve noticed how nice it is to have the house to myself now.” Gillian paused, rotating the stem of her wine glass. “It all seems so quiet at the farm, what with Raff and Ellie living with Harry and me only having Calam a few days a week. I’ve really missed the quiet.”

The waiter passed by their table, dropping off menus and topping up their glasses. “It’s almost like I wasn’t really married to him, Robbie. It never really felt real, somehow. I liked him, but I don’t miss him.”

“I always thought you married him out of guilt. I mean, I know you got on with him, but I always thought it was strange that you went through with it after he told you he knew about Eddie.” Bluntness coming to the fore with her tiredness, Caroline pushed it further. “It felt like you were doing penance rather than marrying him because you cared for him.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Gillian hadn’t quite realised that Caroline had understood her that well. It was a bit of a shock to be seen that clearly. She stared at her glass, slowly swirling the red liquid around watching the lights from above create new colours in the wine.

Caroline wasn’t going to let on that she thought Robbie was a gutless shit for letting his brother knock Gillian around so badly, and for so long, without doing anything about it. The fact that he was a police officer just made it worse. She thought she might have killed Eddie herself if she’d been in Robbie’s position.

“So what happens now?”

“I dunno. It isn’t like we’ve actually got divorced or anything. And I don’t know where he’s going. I don’t think even he knows where he’s going, so it will be up in the air for a while. I guess we’ll get divorced eventually, just to finish it properly. Raff isn’t liking it much, but he’s been really good about it.”

Gillian took in a deep breath and picked up the menu, signalling that she was done with the topic of conversation. It needed more time to settle, she knew that. It was all a bit raw even though it felt like the closing of a chapter. She was really hoping the Greenwood brothers would be gone from her life and she could start fresh, although she couldn’t really imagine what that would look like. She had functionally been with one or other of the brothers for all of her adult life, and she was now 48.

Caroline glanced at the menu, already knowing what she was going to choose. The advantage, and disadvantage, of eating at the same place most Fridays were the lack of surprises. It suited them both, this comfortable habit. She looked up as the waiter passed by again and she flagged him down. “I’ll have the chicken and salad, please.” She glanced at her dinner companion, who nodded, “and she’ll have a medium steak, with chips and vegetables. Thanks Tom.” They handed over the menus and leaned closer to one another again.

“So, tell me,” the blonde smirked, “What are you going to do now you have all this free time and space?” 

Gillian laughed. “Trust you to go there, you twat.” She wriggled in her seat. “I’m not planning anything yet, but you’ll be the first to know.” She chuckled, wagging her finger at Caroline. “God, you really are a...”

“I know. I just wanted to make you laugh.” Caroline beamed, thankful that the farmer had let her lighten the mood so easily. 

The mood settled into a more comfortable one and they both contemplated the changes brought about by Robbie’s departure. It was a while before Gillian broke the spell. 

“So tell me about your week? Did it get any better after Monday?”

“It did. There is still an enormous amount to do, and I’m still not sure it can be done, but I do have a better sense of how big the problem is and how entrenched the culture. There will be a way to turn it around, but I’ve no idea how to do it yet. Too many people with vested interests in keeping it the same I think, and I’ll have to sideline or get rid of them before much can change. There are some bright spots though; the Deputy Head is great and there are a few things we can do that will make a difference quite quickly. I’m hoping that will keep the Governors off my back for a few months at least.”

Thinking about school triggered memories from this afternoon’s meeting with Annafrid and a flush crept up Caroline’s neck. It didn’t escape Gillian as it was the first time she’d seen it since Kate had died. She was wondering if she knew the woman who had inspired that physical response. Gillian was such a close observer of the cosmos of Caroline that she was sure she’d have noticed if Olga had caused it; Olga who’d been Caroline’s sporadic bed partner for months but who’d been left behind in the move.

“Are you thinking about Olga, or someone new?” Gillian asked. 

An embarrassed laugh escaped from the blonde. “Oh I told you, Olga and I broke up a month ago. Well, I know she came to the play just before Christmas but I didn’t really want her there. It’s all a bit weird actually. I’ve stopped taking her calls. It was never anything serious, you know that. It was a bit of...I don’t know. A bit of pleasure, something light after all the...after Kate.”

Caroline looked at her hands and thought how much she was ageing, how she could feel her body changing. “No, it’s something else entirely. It’s like my body’s rebelling. I had a meeting today with one of the staff and it was like someone had waved this beaker of pheromones under my nose.” She squirmed in her chair. “I don’t do that. It wasn’t me at all. And I am NOT falling in love with someone at work. Never again.”

Gillian laughed. “That’d be fun. Can you imagine that getting out?”

Caroline nearly choked on her wine. “Now that would seal my reputation.”

“I can see the headline, ‘Lesbian Head Teacher in sexcapade at new school.’” Both women were laughing now, garnering attention from the other diners.

“I’d never work again.”

“And Celia, can you imagine!” Gillian hooted at the thought of Celia’s reaction to Caroline having another dalliance with someone at school. 

“She’d never let me forget it.”

“So what does she look like, this enchantress of Crow Wood Park?”

“Ha! She’s hardly that. She’s a social worker and all very professional.” Caroline sighed and became more serious. “I don’t really think it was about her at all. Perhaps I’m tired. Perhaps it’s my hormones. I don’t know. It’s been a big week.”

Their dinner arrived and they were both hungry enough to focus on the food, with a gentle camaraderie settling between them as so often happened. After dinner, acknowledging that it had been a big week for both of them, they welcomed an early night.

Walking to their cars, they come together for a hug, sighing as they leant into one another. The gentle hug became something else for Caroline, as she become hyper aware of the parts of her body that were touching Gillian’s. She swallowed hard and tamped down that little flicker as soon as she recognised it. Of all the times for her body to start tingling in her interior, this was not it. Nope. Not again. Definitely not. 

She released Gillian and suddenly and kissed her on the cheek, hoping that she hadn’t alerted Gillian to her odd behaviour and prayed her physical response wouldn’t be apparent in the dim lighting of the car park. 

“Night. Safe home.”

“You too. Bye.”

“Bye. Bye bye.”

They climbed into their vehicles and Gillian drove off with a wave, leaving Caroline sitting alone in her car with her thoughts. She had no idea what was going on. And since when had she been attracted to Gillian? She’d never thought of her that way. Well, if she was honest, she had noticed Gillian’s hands with those strong and slender fingers. And that rump that was so firm and luscious and “What the hell Caroline?” she berated herself. It was as if moving out of that house filled with memories of Kate and John had set off a reaction in her body and she was now surrounded by land mines, never knowing when one would go off. She dropped her head onto the steering wheel and hoped it would soon go back to normal.


	4. Sunday - The Snow Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline and Gillian, Flora and Calamity in fresh snow.

Flora was entranced by the whiteness of the fresh snow and was stomping around the garden enjoying the little explosions of powder that erupted beneath her feet. Giggling as she stopped, Flora bent in half to pat the snow into shapes on the ground.

Caroline silently thanked Gillian for the thoughtful gift of the snow mittens that Flora now used to draw in the snow. She smiled affectionately from her vantage point on the garden bench, using the steaming mug of coffee to keep her hands warm while she watched her daughter play. It made her think of the boys at that age and the differences between them all. Flora was neater and more thoughtful in her play than either of her boys, but that was her temperament. It made her think of Kate and the genetic inheritance she had passed on to Flora. A wave of grief hit Caroline again, washing over her and leaving her feeling grey and tired. She breathed slowly, waiting for the moment to pass. There were times that Flora reminded her so much of Kate that it shattered her heart again and it felt like she was bleeding on the inside, but these passed too.

“Hiya,” came a call from around the side of the house.

Caroline perked up, recognising Gillian’s voice. She called out, “Gillian! We’re in the garden. We’re playing in the snow.”

Gillian rounded the corner of the house with Calamity in tow. Calamity saw Flora and squealed with delight, running to greet her small friend. Gillian laughed, watching the two girls working out their next game, the older Calamity leading the way.

“We were passing and I thought we’d drop in. I’d love a cuppa.”

“Sure. Coffee or tea?” Caroline stood to hug Gillian. She turned to the children, “Girls, we’ll just be in the kitchen,” and the two women walked inside, leaving the door ajar so they could hear the girls play.

“Tea thanks.”

“We’re having a lovely day. Mum and Alan said they’d go to yours yesterday, so it’s just been Flora and me for a change. We did some coloring and built a puzzle together. It’s been a delight actually. She hasn’t hit the grumpy stage yet, but it must be coming.”

“Calam is coming out the other end of it fortunately. She threw a huge tantrum in the supermarket three weeks ago; that was fun. Can’t tell you how many other mothers gave me dirty looks like I was a shit grandparent while she went off.”

Caroline chuckled, knowingly. “It’s coming for me, I can feel it. I don’t know if it’s worse knowing its coming or better to be living without prior knowledge. Was it worse with Calamity than Raff?”

“No idea. I’m different so it hard to tell. I swear that parenting is wiping out my brain cells faster than I can grow ‘em so who knows.”

Caroline smiled and passed over the mug as they moved outside to keep an eye on the girls. There was a mini snow figure growing in the yard and a cleared patch of grass providing visual contrast around it.

“So how are you managing with her while you’re at work?” Gillian asked, nodding at Flora.

“Well, starting this week, Greg will have her two days, I’ll take her to Bumble Bees child care on the other weekdays and Mum and Alan will look after her some afternoons. It gives her a mix of social activities and parenting. They say it takes a village. It’s early days, but hopefully it will work.”

“So Greg will have her for two days a week? In Manchester?”

“Yep. I’ll take her down there later this afternoon. I’ll really miss her, but I think she needs him too now they’ve got to know each other.” She sighed. “I don’t like it, but I think I have to share her, for her sake.”

Gillian thought Caroline looked sad, and a little haunted. She wondered if she was thinking of Kate again.

They watched the two girls build the round snow head and Calamity lifted it onto the two body segments and settled it into place. Gillian took off her scarf and headed over to the small snow human and wrapped the scarf around its neck. Caroline smiled. It looked instantly friendlier with the green scarf draped around its shoulders. It made the girls squeal with delight. They were shouting names for their snow person, who apparently was female this time around.

Caroline watched as Gillian helped the girls find twigs and stones for the eyes, nose and mouth for the newly christened Henrietta. She always loved watching Gillian join in and play with the girls; she was so good with them. For a while the years of terror slipped away and the joyful, youthful Gillian appeared, if only briefly. It was like watching a different Gillian; the one who hadn’t married Eddie, revealing just how much Eddie had changed her. It saddened Caroline in ways she couldn’t even express when this happened.

Gillian stood and watched the girls interact with Henrietta, enjoying the play. Flora was fairly graceful which she figured must have come from Kate, as her dad Greg was a big blundering goof. A decent chap with a good heart and a kindness about him, Greg was also a nerd happy to play the fool. As she watched, she could see little of Greg in Flora’s physicality, but she presumed that some of his characteristics would become apparent soon.

What was already visible was the influence of Caroline, in speech patterns and some of her facial expressions. Flora would pull expressions of disdain or phrases that came directly from the snotty bitch herself, which were hilariously wrong coming from someone not quite two. She let one loose now, with her little arms crossed and a serious expression on her face, “You’re ridicolos.”

Calamity just looked at Flora, not understanding the words but getting the meaning from her stance. “No I’m not. She should have a stick for a nose. She has a big nose.” Calamity was pouting now and a barney was in the offing.

Gillian sniggered and turned to look at Caroline who was slightly mortified. “Well, at least she didn’t swear. Two days ago she came out with ‘About bloody time!’ when Mum put the dinner on the table.” She laughed remembering. “Mum nearly burnt a hole in my soul with that one.” Gillian was cackling at the thought of it, propping herself up with her hands on her knees to stop falling over.

Catching her breath, Gillian was still chuckling when she stepped forward to the two girls to sort it out before there were tears. “Why don’t we find her a slightly shorter twig for her nose? That way she still has a twig nose but not so big. Okay?” Gillian looked at both girls, and they looked at each other and moved off happily to find another nose, the dispute quickly forgotten.

Gillian walked over to sit next to Caroline on the bench, nudging her with her shoulder. “Well, you are ridiculous sometimes too, you snotty bitch.” They both chuckled, knowing there was no sting in the barb anymore.

“Yep. It’s a bit horrifying. It’s like having a little mirror running around. I’m terrified she won’t be like Kate, who she was meant to emulate. Instead, she’s copying me and we both know that’s going to be a disaster.”

“You’re all right though Caroline.” Caroline looked down at the table. Gillian continued, “Flora will be fine. She’s loved and between you and Greg, she’ll be okay. There’s enough of Kate in her and you can see that already. You’re doing fine.”

Caroline nodded, trying to take it in. She had never needed support like this in the past, but life had kicked her around for the last two years. Now she needed reassurance because it had become so much harder to keep out the voices of everyone else in the family who appeared for the public flogging that was now her life. Caroline sighed, needing the compliment but finding it hard to accept it.

They sat in a comfortable silence watching the girls find a new nose for Henrietta and sit on the grass to watch their creation. Gillian wondered what it was that she found so fascinating about the woman sitting next to her. It wasn’t just her looks, although she was stunning. There was a depth to her, a complexity that was revealed by the chaos just under the gloriously pretentious surface, the chaos the Gillian could relate to. There were times like now that she just wanted to hold Caroline, to soften the pain and the damage life had wrought in the last two years.

“We’ll need to go soon. Greg is expecting us by 5 so I’ll need to pack up her things. It’s weird but I guess this is the start of it, the two homes for Flora.”

Gillian nodded. “I’d better head off too. Get Calam back to Raff and Ellie.” She stood and dusted the snow off her jeans and jumper.

Caroline watched, wondering about the shape of the body under that loose jumper. She thought about what it would be like to run her hands over it, to feel the curves, the musculature. Caroline blinked, her mind backing out into the daylight from whatever Freudian cave she’d delved into. Where the hell had that come from? She shook her head, realising that she’d missed time while she had disappeared into the alternate universe of her psyche. She was hoping she could pick up the thread of the conversation so that Gillian wouldn’t notice when Gillian called out to Calamity, “We’re going now Calam. Say goodbye to Flora and Caroline.”

Calamity ran towards Caroline, who stood and picked Calamity up and held her. “Thank you for the hug, and for coming to play with us. I hope you have a lovely week Miss Calamity.” She kissed her on the cheek and put her back down, watching her run towards the side of the house.

Gillian pulled the blonde into a hug. “Lovely to see you. Good luck this week. I’ll see you on Friday. Bye.” she gave her a squeeze and let go, following Calamity around the side of the house.

“You too. Bye. Bye bye.”

Caroline watched them go. She turned to find Flora by her side. “Let’s go inside and get warm and have some juice. Then we’ll go to Dad’s.”

“Okay. Juice.”

Caroline smiled and chatted to Flora as they moved inside hand in hand, leaving Henrietta outside with Gillian’s scarf for warmth.


	5. Monday - The Enchantress of Crow Wood Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline and Annafrid. This one is fairly explicit.

Caroline aimed her death stare at the student. Silent and still, like a predator waiting for prey to be in the perfect position, Caroline waited for him to make his move. Ben squirmed in his seat, facing the Head Teacher across her desk, not wanting either choice before him.

“Okay” he relented. “I’ll go see the social worker every week and do what she says.” He sighed. He knew when to make the best of a bad situation. He’d been doing it all his life. “And I’ll clean up what I wrote on the wall of the gym.”

“Thank you.” Caroline’s gaze changed to something more supportive and friendly. “The maintenance team will give you the right tools and will help you to clean it up. They’re expecting you to visit them this afternoon, so perhaps you could do that now before your mathematics class.” She dropped her chin to look over her glasses at him, “You also have detention for a week. Don’t do it again.”

Annafrid stood up and motioned Ben to do the same. “I’ll see you on Tuesdays at 11am in my office.”

“Yes miss.”

Ben left the office and Annafrid closed the door behind him. She was grinning when she turned to face Caroline, who took off her glasses and leaned back in her chair. They were both trying not to laugh in case Ben could hear them through the door as he left the office.

“For heaven’s sake. What was he thinking, that ‘Ben woz here’ wouldn’t get him into trouble? Idiot.” Caroline snorted.

Annafrid laughed. “Thank you for doing that. He wouldn’t have accepted option B if you hadn’t threatened him with detention in here every night for a month. That just terrified him.”

“I know. I’ve never understood it, but 15 year olds can scare easily I’ve found.” She chuckled. “Thank you for offering to take him under your wing. I gather from your email that things are tough for him at home at the moment.”

“Yeah. Not something a 15 year old should have to deal with, but that’s how it is.” Annafrid took a breath and the mood of the room changed. The two women looked at each other and there was a sly smile on Caroline’s face that invited more.

“So...”

“So...” Annafrid clutched at her courage. “Would you like to have coffee with me?”

Caroline observed Annafrid while she contemplated her answer. She knew there was chemistry between them, but didn’t want the difficulties of getting into something with someone from school. Too many problems, too much like last time. But god this woman was heating her blood, which felt like it was sizzling rather than circulating around her arteries. Duty vs desire; never a good match and often a disastrous outcome. While Caroline was calculating risk vs reward, Annafrid was gently shifting her hips, moving her weight from one leg to another. It was captivating in its subtlety, a movement that caught Caroline’s attention as she dropped her gaze to the seductive swaying of the hips just in front of her.

Caroline looked up to examine Annafrid’s face. “Is this really what you want? It comes with complications because of our positions here.” She wanted to be really clear that this was coming from Annafrid, and not from herself, the person in power.

“I know. I don’t want anything serious, but this is seriously tempting for me. I think we’re both adult enough to manage this, don’t you?”

“Okay.” Caroline paused in thought. “We need to have some rules though, don’t you think? Just to clarify things so it doesn’t get messy. Neither of us needs more problems.”

Annafrid subconsciously licked her bottom lip. “Well, I do like a woman who takes charge, and I’m happy with rules.”

Caroline’s eyebrows shot up under her fringe. “Really? Interesting.” She smirked. “Perhaps something can be arranged. When were you thinking, because I’m not thinking of coffee any more?”

Annafrid squirmed, the heat between her legs growing by the second. “I’m free most nights, and I live alone.”

Caroline swallowed. “That’s convenient.” Tonight Flora was with Greg and she remembered that her mum and Alan were at Gillian’s tonight too, so that would work. No evidence and no questions were what she was after. Against her better judgement and not wanting time to second-guess her decision for pleasure, she boldly decided the sooner the better. “I’m free tonight, if you like. If that would suit you.”

Annafrid breathed with excitement. “Great. I’ll write down my address. 6pm?” She almost sashayed the few steps to Caroline’s desk, picked up a pen and wrote her address on the notepad.

Caroline was close enough to catch the tall woman’s perfume and she could even smell the faint scent of arousal. Her nostrils flared and her temperature rose markedly. She had a sudden need for the time to be 6pm already.

Annafrid dropped the pen on the desk, looked Caroline in the eye and her lips opened. “Until six then.” She nodded and strode out of the office, not looking back.

Caroline sat at her desk, stunned, wondering what had just happened. Never in her life had she negotiated sex like that, but that’s what it was. A negotiation. And that’s what it was about; sex. It left her shocked at her own behaviour, another side of herself becoming apparent. Perhaps this was another closet for her to come out of, that of the sexually confident player. Her body seemed to be dictating the rules this time around, rather than her head or her heart. It’s a ride, a risky one she thought to herself. Roll on 6pm.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was a quiet street in a small town, not one in which you would expect a slightly sordid sexual arrangement to be coming to fruition. She didn’t know how else to label it; Halifax hunger games? It was 5.50pm and Caroline was sitting in her Jeep a short walk from Annafrid’s house, tapping on the steering wheel wondering what the hell she was still doing there. She had nearly turned around twice during the short drive from her house. She had driven like a little old lady, fearful that being pulled over by the police would immediately render her suspicious for the level of anxiety she exuded from every pore. Player indeed, she scoffed to herself.

She felt like she was sweating fear, although she was sure it was also mixed in with as many pheromones as her body could produce. She ran through the list of 16 androstenes in her head, rolling the word androstadienone around on her tongue, knowing that her beloved chemistry and a dash of lists would help to calm her.

Caroline also knew that while she had a natural propensity to be in charge, it didn’t always appear in the bedroom. This was going to be a first, to do it on demand rather than responding to how they were both feeling on the day. She’d of course found a few minutes to do some research when she got home - this was not the topic to investigate on a school laptop - so had a vague idea of what might be expected, but how she would actually feel about it once they got going was a mystery. The situation made her nervous. The lengths she was now prepared to go to for pleasure was a surprise.

She stepped out of the car, automatically brushed at her pants, picked up her bag and strode towards Annafrid’s house. She was going to need all the faux confidence she could manage if she was going to play this game. Noticing that her hand was shaking when she went to push the doorbell, Caroline shook out her hands and tried to loosen up her shoulders while she waited. It didn’t take long.

Annafrid opened the door with a nervous smile. Relieved to see Caroline looked nervous too, she laughed quietly. “Hi. Come in.” She opened the door wide and Caroline stepped inside.

The first thing Caroline noticed was the floral smell. Plants and flowers were everywhere. It was like a small forest had taken root in the house and it had the humidity of a terrarium. Ever practical, all she could think about was how sweaty this was going to make the evening. She had weird thoughts of fucking in forests racing through her mind, wondering if this was some sort of kink she hadn’t expected tonight when Annafrid broke into her fear-driven escapade with the prosaic.

”Would you like a drink?”

“Sure. Something strong would be good, thank you.”

“White? Red? Or would you prefer a whiskey? I have some Laphroaig if you like.”

“The red would be good to start, thanks. Interesting habitat you have created. Very green.” Caroline mentally kicked herself for such a mundane conversation, but she was happy not to be tripping over her tongue at this point.

“Yeah, my ex was a gardener and I picked up the habit. I wouldn’t want to live without them now.” They moved through to the kitchen at the back of the house, which was more dated with a light apricot paint and a funky table and chairs that didn’t match. It was more in keeping with what she assumed would be the style of a social worker, not that she really knew what that was.

Annafrid opened the bottle of red on the kitchen bench and poured a glass for Caroline, who guzzled half of it before looking up and taking in the tall woman before her. “Sorry. I’m a bit nervous, I have to admit. I’ve not done this before so...umm...well, I’ve had female partners, but not this. This is...new...to me.”

Annafrid closed the gap and placed her hands on Caroline’s hips. Caroline gasped quietly at the contact, not expecting Annafrid to be quite so forward. It was a blessed relief if she was to be honest, but she knew this was not the game to be played tonight.

“We can take it slowly if you like, or I can get us started. This isn’t new for me, although I’ve never ‘played’ with anyone from work.”

Caroline could feel Annafrid’s hands gently shaking, so knew she wasn’t the only one who was still nervous. “Shall we set some ground rules, just to make sure we’re both on the same page?” It felt like her brain was in meltdown and she was speaking clichés in abundance.

Annafrid nodded. “Okay. I figure there are the standard ones; No telling anyone at work, nothing in writing, no telling our names to anyone, no violence, an agreed safe word that we stick to...anything else?”

Caroline was really feeling out of her depth now. “That works for me. However, no safe word is required. A simple ‘no’ or ‘stop’ will suffice. I’m not into violence or non-consensual sex. It isn’t me and I won’t do it.”

“No, no, that’s good for me too.”

“And lastly, one night only. It doesn’t happen again.” She held her breath, waiting for the response.

“Oh. Okay. We could do that.” Annafrid looked a little disappointed but she could work with it she figured.

This felt surreal for Caroline. The negotiation had cleared the air, but this was so beyond her understanding of what sex was that she almost wanted to go home before it started. Time for courage she told herself. That her clit was already throbbing in anticipation was persuasive; it had been far too long between drinks.

She had always tied sex with love in her mind and that’s how it had been with all of her lovers prior to Olga. Olga was the first sign of change. After crashing into the back of her car at a roundabout, Olga had shown up at her home with dozen bottles of good wine and an apology. Three hours and two bottles later, Caroline was in bed with her. The connection they had was fairly loose; Olga was fun and a great shag, but Caroline was never in love with her. She knew she was still grieving Kate at the time, so love wasn’t even possible for her then. Tonight, however, she wondered if this was the final dissolution of her understanding of love, or an admission that she just really needed sex, something purely for her in the sea of obligation that was her life.

Caroline gulped down more of the liquid courage and placed the glass carefully on the bench. She slowly took off her jacket and undid the top buttons of her shirt, for air as much as anything. Annafrid watched her silently, enjoying the prelude to the event. She looked inquiringly at Annafrid.

“You’re really sure about this?”

“I’m sure.”

She walked up to Annafrid and gently placed her hands either side of the beautiful face. She slowly stroked the dark skin of Annafrid’s cheeks with her fingertips, feeling the softness of the skin and the downy hair, as Annafrid parted her lips. She leaned in to Annafrid’s neck and took in a deep breath, letting the scent of this woman infuse her nostrils and warm up her blood. Open-mouthed kisses down the woman’s neck and throat drew a moan from the woman she could feel through her lips and tongue. This was going to be more fun than she’d hoped.

Annafrid dropped her head and hunted for Caroline’s mouth. She pushed the blonde back into the kitchen bench and started massaging her breasts. The blonde’s nipples became hard and she hissed when the dark hands pinched them through the shirt. Opening her mouth to let her in, Caroline let out a moan when Annafrid began to suck her bottom lip. Someone new and so sensual. Tonight was all about pleasure.

Knowing the game they were playing had a different set of rules tonight; Caroline grabbed the dark woman’s hips and rotated them both so that Annafrid was pressed against the bench. She closed the gap between them and pushed one of her legs between the taller woman’s, raising her knee and leaning in until she could feel the heat of her companion. Annafrid gasped, the touch so instantly arousing.

“Tell me who is in charge tonight, Annafrid?” she growled.

“You. You are Caroline.” Her eyes were dark with desire and her hips were not long from moving of their own accord.

“Good to hear.” Caroline leant in even further, pressing even more into the tall woman’s crutch until she heard a moan. “I’m going to take off your top now,” and she slowly lifted Annafrid’s top up over her shoulders and head and dropped it on the floor.

“Put your hands behind you.” Caroline locked eyes with the taller woman. “You aren’t going to touch me until I tell you, or until I lose control.” She waited for a nod. When the dark hands to move to the bench behind she followed them with her own. “You know one of the most sensual things for me is seeing my skin on yours. Drives me wild.” Annafrid’s eyes widened as she followed Caroline’s hands with her eyes to see them stroking her own arms. “Your skin is so soft, so beautiful.”

Caroline picked up one of the hands and brought it up to her face. She sensuously kissed the inside of the wrist, licking and kissing all the way to the elbow. “I’m glad you decided to let me lead tonight. Wise choice.” She carefully placed the hand back on the bench and reached around the tall woman to undo her lacy bra. As lovely as it was, it had to go. Caroline pulled the bra down and Annafrid raised her eyebrows in question. When Caroline nodded, she moved her hands to release her arms from the straps. Now half naked while the blonde was fully clothed, the power dynamic became more obvious. When Caroline started playing with Annafrid’s breasts, licking and sucking her nipples, they both started breathing harder.

Caroline caressed Annafrid’s stomach and her hands dropped to undo the pants, one button at a time, while Caroline gazed into the dark eyes to see exactly what she was doing to her quarry. She stepped back to slowly slide the pants down long legs, indicating that Annafrid was to step out of them. Again, Caroline held the clothing aloft and then dropped them on the kitchen floor, her eyes never leaving those of the woman in front of her. She dipped her hand between the tall legs, feeling the wetness there and eliciting a gasp. Bringing her fingers to her lips, she tasted Annafrid, closing her eyes in ecstasy. Caroline’s blood was pounding through her arteries and her clit was very swollen. She didn’t know how long she could hold out, but this was a game of control, for her as well as her accomplice.

Caroline grabbed the thin panties and ripped them off fast, also ripping a moan from Annafrid. Annafrid was shaking with need; the game was clearly working for her. Caroline returning her hand to cup the woman’s twat. She slipped two fingers deeper into the wetness, leant forward to look directly into the tall woman’s eyes and whispered, “Do you want me to fuck you?”

Mesmerised by Caroline’s gaze and the pounding of her clit, Annafrid was having trouble finding words. Panting loudly, she nodded.

“You’re going to have to say it.”

“Ye-es” came the staccato reply. “Fuck me. Fuck my cunt.”

Caroline’s eyebrows lifted. “You like dirty talk?”

“Yes.” She trembled. “Please. It makes my cunt wet.”

Caroline switched gears to something she’d never been asked to do before. Never with Kate, and not even with Olga. It was new and she wasn’t entirely comfortable with it but tonight was all about trying something new. She swallowed hard.

“You want me to fuck your beautiful cunt? Your beautiful, wet cunt?” Annafrid was panting heavily now and had started to move her hips in the rhythm of lust. She nodded, mouth open and struggling too much for air to speak. Caroline leaned forward until she was breathing in the woman’s mouth. “I’m going to fuck you now. Fuck you hard. Fuck you ‘til you come.” Annafrid moaned and her hips moved faster, desperate for more contact. Caroline plunged three fingers inside her, and the dam of control was broken for both of them. Annafrid flung both her arms around Caroline and lifted a leg, giving better access to a fucking that had both of them spellbound. There was no stopping either of them now; the time for control was gone. Using her thumb to rub the woman’s clit, Caroline lost control in a haze of lust, biting and sucking the woman’s neck while they fucked until Annafrid cried out and came undone.

The woman collapsed half on Caroline and half on the bench. Caroline moved her hips to start grinding against Annafrid’s rigid thigh. It took only a few seconds before she too was gasping for air and hanging on for support. When their contractions stopped and their breathing calmed, Caroline slowly slipped her fingers from inside Annafrid. Somehow this felt more intimate than anything they’d done so far. She placed her wet hand gently on the tall woman’s mons, not wanting to sever the connection just yet and tenderly stroked Annafrid’s back. She pulled back a little so she could see Annafrid’s face. They looked into each other’s eyes. No matter their stated rules, this connection was always going to be more intimate than either perhaps wanted. Caroline leant forward and gently kissed Annafrid on the lips. “Thank you. You were amazing.” She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “I feel like I can breathe again.”

“So were you, especially for someone who’s never done that before. You’re a natural at being in control.”

“Well,” she admitted, “I quite like being in control.” She grinned.

They held each other for a while, until Annafrid started to get cold. “How about we have a quick drink and then take this upstairs? I have some toys we can play with.”

Surprisingly, Caroline felt like she had some of her old confidence back. She smiled knowingly. “Sure. Why not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first attempt at a sex scene. Harder to write than it ever looks on the page. Do let me know your thoughts if you feel so inclined; what works, what doesn't.
> 
> As for Caroline, I wanted to push her a little out of her comfort zone and give her some confidence for what comes next. We'll see if it works for you.


	6. Friday Night Dinner - Annafrid & Jane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline and Gillian have their Friday night dinner.
> 
> TW: Some discussion of family violence but not graphic.

Caroline was sitting in a quiet corner of the pub waiting for Gillian. A decent drop of red was open and she relished the taste of it as she swirled it around her mouth. Her thoughts free to roam, they lingered over her night with Annafrid and the sensations of memory travelled over her body like a storm. The visage of the freshly fucked attached itself to her face and was noticed straight away by the observant Gillian as soon as she arrived.

“So tell me all about it. Spare me no details old girl.” Gillian took off her jacket and placed it on the back of her chair before sitting heavily and pouring herself a glass of wine. She smirked, trying not to be jealous. “Who is she and what happened?”

Caroline looked up, shaken out of her memory. Her eyes darted to Gillian, not quite sure just how comfortable Gillian really was with her being a lesbian. She seemed to run hot and cold; sometimes she was fine and other times she seemed stuck in a homophobic track from the 1980s. She regarded Gillian cautiously.

“Well, let’s just say that it’s changed my outlook somewhat.”

Gillian looked at her. “And...”

Caroline stared back at her, not knowing how much to say.

The waiter picked this inopportune moment to interrupt them with menus. Eager to get on with their conversation, they ordered their usual meals and waited until he was just out of earshot before continuing.

Caroline looked at Gillian. Part of her wanted to share the story; she’d really like to discuss aspects of it with someone and Gillian would be a good option, but she wasn’t sure her sister-in-law was open to it.

“I don’t really want to talk about the details of it. It was...”

“Oh come on Caz. I tell you just about everything, so what do you think you can tell me that I haven’t already done, and probably worse?”

Pushed, Caroline’s bluntness came to the surface. “I’m not entirely sure you’re really comfortable with me being a lesbian sometimes. And I don’t want to push the friendship by talking about sex. I find it awkward enough as it is, between friends.”

“Okay. I get that. Look,” she leant further forward, “I haven’t told anyone, but I have actually been with women too.”

Caroline’s mouth dropped open and she stared at Gillian. “What?”

“Yeah. It were ages ago, so you’ve nowt to be embarrassed about, not with me.”

“When? Why am I only hearing about this now?” Caroline was completely stunned by this little revelation. What more could possibly come of out this woman’s mouth to completely capsize her understanding of the farmer?

“It were so long since it didn’t seem relevant. Not that I’ve told anyone else. It weren’t like it were any of their business. And my reputation is bad enough as it is without adding women to it.”

“Really? More than one?”

“Yeah. A couple actually, but it were when I were young.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. So go on then. Tell me.”

“Oh, after you I think. Go ahead.” Caroline held her ground. “I can’t believe I didn’t know this.” She waved her hand over the table, “You have the floor.”

Gillian looked at her, while she sorted out the story in her head. She took a large sip of wine and started the tale. “Okay. The first were when I were in school, before Eddie. She were one of my school friends and we sort of practiced with each other. More fun than Robbie though.” She had another sip of wine and sat up a bit. “The second one were different. I were with Eddie then but it were near the end. He wouldn’t let me see any men friends, but thought a woman would be okay. He didn’t know that she were...well, she were special. It weren’t until he saw how special she was to me that we had to stop. I thought he were going to hurt her, so I told her not to come around again, but he never knew it all.”

Caroline’s face had gone from breezy to deadly serious with the mention of Eddie. Her voice dropped lower and quieter. “So you saw her when you were with Eddie? Oh god. How did that work?”

“She used to come to farm sometimes, and other times I’d see her in town. We never had long, unless Eddie went away on his bike for motocross or something. Then we’d have more time.

“She were lovely. No one ever spotted it, but she were so kind. She kept me going for a while there, when it were really rough with Eddie.”

“What was her name?”

“Jane. She lived in Hebden Bridge, but she worked in Halifax so I’d see her in supermarket. That’s where we met. It were horrible when he suspected. He really took it out on me but thankfully he left her alone.” Gillian shivered. “I never saw her again. I couldn’t. I were terrified he’d hurt her.”

“Jesus.” Caroline always knew there was more depth to the nasty shit that Eddie had done, but it was always shocking. For all his faults, living with John and his sad ineptitude hadn’t prepared her at all for what it might be like to be married to someone as violent and vicious as Eddie. The comparison was stark.

“That’s why no one ever knew.”

Gillian seemed to shrink into her skin whenever she talked of Eddie and then, like she’d made a choice to stand tall, she’d sit up straight and her fists would clench, ready for the fight. It was something to see, the fight in Gillian. It made Caroline respect Gillian so much. She was in awe of such strength.

“That makes sense. I can’t imagine what that might have been like for you. Horrible to lose someone so special, and even worse to have them threatened.” She never really knew how to respond when Gillian talked of Eddie. It was so far outside her understanding of the world she had no idea how to help Gillian deal with it. However, she could see that this trauma informed every decision that the farmer made, so could forgive her nearly anything. She wondered about the woman who had attracted Gillian, unreasonably jealous. “What was she like?”

“Jane were tall and elegant. Naturally so. She had a way with children and animals and she really loved them all. She were kind. That’s what I remember most. She were kind.” Gillian seemed lost in thought, sucked into her past, the good and the bad of it.

“Anyway, enough of that for today.” She brightened consciously, sloughing off the memories that clung like rust to her skin, sharp and rotten and dangerous. “Tell me about you!”

Caroline paused to get her head together. She was still stunned by this latest episode in the Gillian saga, and it hadn’t sunk in properly yet. She’d have to process it later. Now she really was sounding like a lesbian, she thought. She looked at Gillian, waiting a moment longer in case there was more to the story.

“Okay. Well. Remember that woman from school I told you about? She and I had meeting about a student this week. Anyway, after the meeting she asked me out for coffee. Turns out, she didn’t want coffee at all.” Caroline leaned forward and lowered her voice. “This is the part that I’m still grappling with; She took the lead but it basically turned into a negotiation about sex. In my office. In the middle of the afternoon. And I can’t even believe I’m telling you this, let alone that I did it! Part of me is still wondering what the hell happened.” She shook her head in disbelief.

Gillian was momentarily stunned into silence, fascinated by what was going on with Caroline.

“Something has shifted. Sex used to be tied to love for me. I couldn’t really separate the two, but now, since Olga, it seems that I’m coming out in more ways than one. It was like I was finally able to take time for me, for my pleasure. My life always seems to be about duty and responsibility and looking after everyone else, but this was just for me.”

“Wow Caz.” Gillian looked at her and smirked a bit. “So, you’re saying that you had a night with the enchantress from school and you don’t even feel guilty about it?”

Caroline glared at her. “Oh fuck off.”

Gillian cracked up.

“So you negotiated what were going to happen, before it happened, in an adult way. And then you got on with it? That sounds pretty adult to me, Caz.”

Caroline sat there blinking, taking it in. “I guess it is. I hadn’t thought of it like that. It’s just so foreign to me. There’s normally no negotiation at all. We just work it out as we go along, but it’s always been connected to how we feel about each other. Slow and over time. And this was completely different. I feel like I should be feeling guilty about it, but I don’t. I feel really good about it.”

“So it worked out. It were a good night?” Gillian wiggled her eyebrows like a loon.

Caroline laughed, as Gillian intended. “Yep. It was fun. Very different, but freeing in many ways. I don’t want to do it again and there were bits I wasn’t keen on, but I learnt a lot about myself. I feel like I’m coming into my queerness, if that’s a thing.” She paused to reflect for a moment. “When I was with Kate, it was like there was still so much to come to terms with, and now, it’s like I feel like I’m owning it, like I’m owning my sexuality. God, it sounds so naff.” She sighed.

“It’s a tough road. No one ever really thinks it takes work or that it takes time.” Gillian was really seeing the change from the woman who couldn’t book a hotel room for her and her lesbian lover three years ago, to someone hooking up for a night of adult, negotiated sex. “Think about this as if you were straight. Can you imagine that you might do this with a bloke; not the sex bit, but the negotiation bit?”

Caroline looked at her. She was right of course. That’s the bit that she’d missed. She’d suspected that Gillian might be the key to helping her understand this. She sighed in relief. “You’re right. That’s what I wasn’t seeing. Thank you.” She sat back, her shoulders relaxing for the first time in days.

Gillian looked pensive. “Of course, you got lucky Caz. It doesn’t always end like that. It’s not always fun and good.”

Caroline tilted her head, trawling through her memory of Gillian’s sexual partners to see who might fit the bill of ‘fun and good’, because they had all sounded fairly terrible to her, including John. John had been attentive rather than inspired as a lover with her for most of their 18 years and she’d enjoyed sex with him, but Gillian hadn’t even got that from what Gillian had said.

“What I mean is, looking at what I’ve done and the mistakes I’ve made, sometimes it’s been fun, but probably it’s more of a disaster, to tell you the truth. And it so often comes back to bite me. A little bit of fun to take my mind of things and it...” She paused, trying not to pour too much ice on it. “So take it from me Caz; it can go wrong too.”

Caroline looked at her dinner companion, thinking of all the complications that had been caused by Gillian’s shenanigans. Gillian was right; she had been lucky this time. Mind you, it had been really educational. A sly grin took over her face. Gillian just raised her eyebrows, waiting.

“Well, the other bit was that she liked me being...” Caroline didn’t even know why she was saying this, but something about Gillian made revealing intimacies easier than it normally was for her.

Gillian leaned forward, eager for crumbs about the details of this complex woman and what she might like in bed.

“Well, in control.” There, she’d said it. It felt like an admission.

Gillian almost started laughing. “So, this woman, who works for you, likes you being in control.” She snorted. ”How is this different to every other relationship you’ve ever had?” She looked a little aghast that Caroline, who was normally so smart, would be so unaware of her own predilections and started laughing loudly.

“Oh shit. You’re right.” Caroline blushed.

“You pillock.” Gillian was cackling now.

“Cow.” And Caroline started laughing too. The laughter couldn't be contained and they kept setting each other off by simple eye contact. It was several minutes before they caught their breath.

The women were still chuckling when their dinners arrived a few moments later.

The topic of conversation shifted to more mundane matters, such as when Celia and Alan would move from one house to the other and how Raff and Ellie were going with their jobs and schooling.

“Raff is finishing his A-2s this year. That’s the same as Lawrence, isn’t it?” Gillian asked.

“Yep. He’s struggling to focus, but then he always has. I’m not happy that he’s living with John, who never pushes him to study. I don’t think he’s doing enough and I think it will limit his options. Who knows what he’ll wind up doing at the end of it. I don’t think he knows either.”

She looked at Gillian. “Does Raff know what he wants to do when he’s finished?”

“He’s going to Uni, to Leeds, that’s for sure. His grandad would have a fit if he didn’t. We think he’ll do something medical. It’s something that he’s really keen on, but I’m not sure which bit.”

“Plenty of options there. Good for him.” Caroline sighs. “Lawrence is coming tomorrow for the weekend. I haven’t seen him for two weeks, so perhaps I’ll know more then. Or perhaps not. He can behave like such a shit sometimes, I’m half dying to see him and half dreading it.”

“Yeah.” Gillian didn’t want to say too much more. She thought Lawrence had been a real twat to his mum and needed to pull his head in, but it wasn’t her place to say it. Caz had enough on her plate, she reckoned.

“I’ll pop in tomorrow with some of Calam’s old toys for Flora. She’ll love the puzzle with animals on it.”

“That would be great. Come for lunch if you like.”

“That would work. I need to pick up some drench on the way home. I’m nearly out.”

Caroline smiled at Gillian with great affection. She adored the contrast of this mercurial woman and the sheep farmer who doted on her flock.

Gillian loved these moments between them too, when Caroline blessed her with one of her affectionate smiles. They were rare and she felt like she was basking in the glow of a bright star. She knew a silly grin had appeared on her face, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. Another treasure to add to her good memories, she thought.

They paid the bill and wrapped up before heading out into the cold. A quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, then they separated for the long night before lunch tomorrow.


	7. Saturday - Lawrence's First Step into Adulthood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lawrence throws a wobbly and then grows up.
> 
> I promise the next chapter will be more fun.

Caroline could feel the verbal knife slip between her ribs, doing damage only someone who knew her well could inflict. If it was anyone else she’d have verbally attacked the person threatening her and her child, but this was Lawrence. Her son. She knew at a primal level that the bond holding them together was very fragile at the moment and if she let forth with her venom, it would forever sour that bond. 

She held her tongue. 

Shaking quietly with hurt and anger, she gently picked up Flora and turned her back on her son, instinctively protecting her youngest.

“I’m so sick of you giving her priority over us. And why’d you have to move to this dump, a million miles from anywhere?” He muttered under his breath, “Selfish ff...cow.”

Mother and son had been so focused on the other that neither noticed that Gillian had come into the kitchen. She was due for lunch and had been there long enough to see what was happening. She quietly moved to stand next to Lawrence. The intensity of her energy suddenly filled the room and everything stopped. The silence had weight, like the prelude to a death.

Slowly Gillian leant sideways towards Lawrence, who instinctively gave her space, even though he loomed over her in height. He had never seen her like this and had no idea what to expect. Somehow he knew to be quiet and still. 

“The thing is, I’ve seen men who are abusive to their families. You are now nearly 18, and are probably physically stronger than your mum. We can see that you are hurting, and that what you’re doing comes from that. We can see that. But instead of saying ‘I’m hurting’, or ‘I’m in trouble here’, you’re lashing out. I know you’re her son, but right now, you’re also a grown man abusing a woman and her child. You need to find a better way of dealing with it, Lawrence.”

In the quiet that followed, Caroline’s sharp intake of breath could be heard clearly across the room. Lawrence looked up and saw his mum, for the first time, as a woman separate to him. He saw her as a middle aged woman protecting her child from harm. From him. Shame washed over him and tears started to fall down his face. He hugged his arms around his body and started to rock. His sense of separateness from his mum was profound. He had never truly felt alone in the world before this moment and time stood still, crystallising this into his memory. It was the moment he finally realised that as much as he loved his dad, it was his mum who was his rock, his stable foundation.

Oblivious to what was going on around him, Lawrence was engulfed in strong arms and his head gently placed on a shoulder. Caroline stroked his hair as she comforted him. This moment, this change from child to adult had not been so traumatic for William, but Lawrence felt more deeply and had always been more fragile. She hoped this would be a turning point in their relationship. Even better if Lawrence would finally relinquish his wanton teenaged cruelty and start stepping into his adulthood. She knew from experience, however, that this change took years, not hours.

Caroline felt Gillian’s hand caress her back, a sense of support ever present. She turned her head and watched Gillian take Flora’s hand to lead her out into the garden, leaving mother and son alone. Before she left, Gillian looked back on the scene, struck by the boundless love Caroline had for her children. She felt privileged to be part of it, as few got to witness this side of Caroline.

“I’m sorry Mum. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it, but I wanted to. I don’t really understand it.” He sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. I know you’re sorry, but you were cruel. You got that from me. I’m sorry too.” She hugged him even tighter and he buried his face in her neck, her scent soothing him more deeply than her words. They stood together, Caroline grateful that Lawrence would accept comfort this time, as it had been a long time since he had let her hold him for more than very brief hugs. “There are decisions that I’ve made to keep a roof over our heads and to look after us all the best I could. I know you don’t always get what you want, but none of us get that very often. It’s part of growing up, understanding that.”

He turned his head and pulled back a little so he could see her face. With their arms still around one another, he really started to look at his mum with a clarity and intensity she hadn’t seen from him before. She’d seen him look at others like that, but it had never been directed at her. It made her feel distinctly uncomfortable and a bit trepidatious as she awaited his judgment. 

“I’ve always known how strong you were, how clever you were, and how you’d fight for us, but I’d never really seen how vulnerable you can be too. I guess I’d never really looked for it either.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. It had been hard having her as the head teacher. He knew she was fair and respected and not all of his friends respected their mums, but it did make her different. However, it was when she started seeing Kate that the bullying at school became really horrible. And then Kate went and died, leaving that little shit of a kid for his mum to look after. He knew he was supposed to think of her as his sister, but he really couldn’t. She wasn’t related to him at all. He reckoned she was more of a foster kid his mum had taken on. And it had nearly broken his mum. She hadn’t been the same since then. 

“I know it was horrible when Kate died. It was like part of you did too, but it meant there was less for us. And now you’ve left me to move here. I don’t mind living with Dad but Judith is a b...cow.”

“I’m sorry. I know it has been hard for you, us moving here. I had to do it, for me and for Flora, and I hoped you’d be old enough to understand. The timing wasn’t great, I know that.” She pulled him into another hug. “I really didn’t want to leave you. I’d much rather you were here with us too. Would you like to come here for more weekends, or do a few overnight trips, if it gets too much with your dad and Judith? It will mean early starts for school, but we can manage that, can’t we?”

“Yeah, maybe.” He sniffled. “You know I play rugby most weekends so that won’t work. But maybe we could do some overnights, just for a bit of a break.”

Caroline kissed him on the cheek. “We can do that. You know you can come here anytime.”

Lawrence seemed to accept that, when he suddenly stepped away from his mum. He walked around the kitchen anxiously, like he was looking for something he knew he wasn’t going to find. “Was Gillian telling the truth about me?” He looked at his mum, obviously wanting more information, but also wanting something else.

Caroline was puzzled for a moment and then she got it. She looked at him with concern. “Yes. Gillian’s seen abusive and manipulative men terrorise their families. I’ve seen it with some of the parents at school too, but not in the way she has. I won’t go into details, but I’m sure you can use your imagination.” This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have with him, but Caroline knew Gillian had opened the gate on this topic for a reason, a reason she perhaps didn’t really want to face. 

Caroline tried to put it into some sort of context for Lawrence. “Like me, you like to be in control, and you lash out when you’re hurt or cornered. These aren’t good traits. I’m sorry I passed them on to you, but there are good things you have from me too.”

“But Gillian reckons I’m going to be like them. I’m not like that though.” He paced around the kitchen, too uncomfortable to be still.

“No, you’re not.” Caroline was thinking that Gillian might be a bit sensitive to this sort of verbal violence, but she had made a really good point. “However, you are tall and strong, and strong willed, and need to learn better ways of managing yourself before this...” She paused, hunting in her head for a better way to talk about it. 

“When I was your age, I could have really used someone to talk to. A professional. I think it would have made a huge difference for me.” Caroline was thinking of the impact counselling would have had on her life. Perhaps she would have been more comfortable with who she was, maybe she wouldn’t have married John, but then, that would mean no William or Lawrence. She sighed. The trade off was worth it, despite the shitshow that had grown from their marriage. 

“I think it would be worth you seeing someone to get some help to sort through some of what is going on for you. Someone better than me. Someone you want to listen to. I think it help you to be happier, and that would be great, wouldn’t it?”

Alarm bells started to ring in Lawrence’s head. “You want me to see someone? Like a poncy sickologist or something?” He snorted. “Like that’s ever going to happen.”

Caroline’s face fell. She was so close. She had seen a glimpse of him as an adult, and now he had slid back into his old pattern of teenage rudeness. She sighed. “I think it would help.” She truly dreaded the thought but a last ditch attempt to get him some professional help made her offer. “I know you don’t want to go. Would you go if I went to see someone too? You know I’m going to hate it even more than you.”

There was a touch of glee in his eyes when he looked at her, thinking of his mum having to talk about ‘feelings’. “So, you’d go and see someone if I went.” The grin on his face started to grow at the thought of his mum being interrogated by a psychologist. He knew she really would hate it. “Really, you’d go if I went?”

Caroline glumly returned his gaze. “Yes. I promise.”

“Deal. I’ll go. But only if you go just as often.” A thought occurred to him. “You can’t tell anyone about it. No one. Not even Dad.”

“Okay. Deal. But you have to go too. No skipping appointments.” She paused to clarify a plan. “I’ll sort something out in Harrogate and let you know. I’ll try for after school, but if not, I’ll tell the school you have a medical appointment but not what it is. Okay?”

“Okay.” Conversation over as far as he was concerned, his attention shifted to his stomach. At least his mum could cook and the food would be good. “What’s for lunch?”


	8. Friday Night Dinner - Caroline Feasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline cooks for Gillian, and then they feast, on each other. Enjoy.

Friday night dinner had shifted to Caroline’s, who was celebrating the freedom of an empty house by cooking Gillian dinner. Flora was in Manchester with Greg and his mum for the night, and Celia and Alan had gone away for a mucky weekend so she had the house to herself for the night.

The rack of lamb was in the oven and she was just adding the cheese to the potatoes dauphinoise when she heard Gillian knock on the door and let herself in.

“In here Gillian,” she called out as she popped the dish in the oven beside the lamb.

Gillian walked into the kitchen with a nice bottle of red and dropped her car keys and the wine on the table. She’d made an effort tonight, wearing the green dress that showed off her eyes and flattered her figure. She always felt good in it. She wanted to feel good tonight. She wanted Caroline to see her tonight.

Caroline straightened up, checking out the vision in green in front of her. “Well, you look great. I like that dress on you.” Caroline’s eyes were shiny as she peered at Gillian over the top of her glasses with a very sexy head teacher look about her.

The fact that Caroline’s eyes had travelled up and down her body was not lost on Gillian. Gillian shifted to open the wine, hoping the movement would hide any signs of the blush that was starting up her neck. She ignored the compliment and the almost ogling that accompanied it, enjoying it but not quite knowing what to do with it as yet.

“The chap at the bottle shop said this was a good one. I’m hoping you like it. I know you prefer it to breathe a bit, so we can have it later if you like.”

“I’ve got a nice little Bordeaux open, so let’s start with that.” Caroline poured Gillian a glass and handed it to her. “So how are you? Everything okay on the farm?”

“Yep. The ewes haven’t started lambing yet, but some are getting close. It’ll be another month or so. The barn’s ready for them and this week I installed floor heating under the lambing stalls. Poor beggars, last year it were so cold for the early lambs. It’ll be warmer for them this spring.”

“So how does that all work, the lambing?”

Gillan wondered if she was really interested, but Caroline seemed to be attentive so she dived into an explanation. “I go ‘round ‘em two or three times a day and look for any signs they’re close and then get ‘em into the barn to keep an eye on ‘em. That way I can help if they have problems with the birth, or with the lambs attaching for their first feed. Swaledale ewes are great mums so after that they’re usually fine.” She rather liked lambing even though it was a lot of work. Seeing the little ones flicking their tails with excitement when they fed was such a joy. It was worth it for all the sleepless nights that came with it.

“That sounds like a lot of work. How do you manage with your shifts at the supermarket?”

“Raff helps out. He’s great actually. I think that’s where he gets his interest in medicine. At least he’s not following his dad into bikes and boozing.”

“I don’t know that I’d be of much assistance, but let me know if I can help.”

Caroline was imagining the provision of tea and sandwiches rather than anything sheep related, but Gillian grinned at the thought of Caroline in the barn in her posh clothes covered in placenta and straw. “Thanks for the offer. I’ll keep you in mind.”

“So what’s been happening with you? Settling into the new job?” Gillian took a seat at the long, sturdy wooden table, watching Caroline prepare the greens. Topping and tailing the beans had never looked so sexy, with those strong fingers and forearms flexing and moving at speed. She was trying not to imagine those fingers doing other things.

“It’s going well actually. It’s only been a month or so but I’m making a few changes and things are starting to shift. I’ve implemented a new program to tackle bullying and I’m really hoping that will help reduce some of the fighting in the yard and with any luck, increase attendance. It’s more comprehensive than the last program. The first sessions involve educating the staff before we run it out to the students in the coming months.”

“That’s a great idea. I hope it works.” She took another sip and asked the question she really wanted the answer to. “So, have you seen the enchantress recently?”

Caroline’s head popped up, motion stopped while she examined Gillian to ascertain some sort of context for the question. “I’ve passed her in the corridor, if that’s what you mean. Nothing other than that.”

“So no more shenanigans in the wind then?”

“Nope. And there won’t be. It won’t happen again.” She started working on the beans again. She smiled. “It was fun, but I learnt what I needed and I don’t have any wish to repeat it.”

There was a pause in the conversation while they both took that in. Caroline wanted to change the topic and latched onto the only thing that came quickly to mind.

“Oh, this is good. You’ll like this.”

“Do tell...”

“I’ve started seeing a psychologist. Can you imagine me talking to someone about my life? Ha! Decades wouldn’t sort that mess out.” Caroline chuckled as she shook her head and Gillian nearly choked on her wine.

“What! You? Good god Caz, what would you want to do that for?”

“I know. I promised Lawrence that I would go, so...” Her hands stopped again. “Actually, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It might be quite interesting.” She looked at Gillian and then started cutting the cherry tomatoes.

“You don’t have to tell me, but I’m dying to know. What was it like?”

“She just asks a lot of questions, which is what I thought she’d do. On my first visit, I was in the waiting room and I don’t know why the colours were so offensive, but it was horrid. I can understand the idea of calming simplicity for a waiting room, but this was an explosion of discount Mediterranean kitsch. It made me doubt the ability of the psychologists who worked there.”

“Of course it did.” Gillian was thinking she was being a snotty bitch but Caroline blithely carried on.

“She is quite good, I think. She had short hair, so I wondered if she was a lesbian.”

Gillian rolled her eyes. “Caz, not every woman with short hair is a dyke.”

Caroline looked a bit offended. She really hated that word. “I know. I just wondered, that’s all.”

Gillian snorted. “Your gaydar is broken. You really have no idea unless someone makes a pass at you, do you.”

Caroline huffed, even though she thought Gillian was probably right. She sprinkled sesame seeds over the beans and tomatoes and popped the small dish in the oven, checking on the lamb in the process. “Dinner’s on and will be ready in 20. Let’s go into the other room with the fire.”

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

After dinner Gillian and Caroline were happily ensconced in the deep couch in front of the fire. Well into the second bottle of wine, they were both passing through merry on their way to meaningful, hoping to stop before they got to messy.

“So tell me more about the psychologist?”

Gillian was fascinated about the inner workings of this complex woman and any information was eagerly hoarded. She’d been observing her avidly for a while now, looking for clues as to how she worked and what she liked. Who she liked. She had met Olga for the first time when her dad and Celia were in the amateur dramatic society play a month ago. Olga was tall, dark and beautiful but it was clear that Caroline was over her. When Olga kissed Caroline, it was like watching a car crash. Gillian didn’t want to see it, but she was sitting in the row behind them and couldn’t take her eyes off it. Mesmerised, she watched their lips meet, wanting to be Olga, wanting to know what it would be like to be Caroline’s lover. She’d replayed it over and over again in her head during the last few weeks. It was frustrating and delicious at the same time and all too easy to get lost in the memory. She sighed and brought herself back to the couch and to Caroline’s visit to the therapist.

While Gillian was replaying that kiss, Caroline was thinking about what she’d discussed in the two sessions and what she’d learned about herself. It had been interesting but agonising. Caroline was pretty good at working out other people and their motivations, but was often blind when it came to her own, and she hated dealing with her own feelings. The fact she’d stacked on the weight of her feelings for the last two years was something she wasn’t prepared to examine, let alone discuss with anyone, despite Celia’s carping.

“We talked about a lot of things. Kate came up, as you’d expect and the psychologist has given me some exercises to help manage the grief.” She paused, gazing into the fire with that far away look that Gillian suspected meant that Caroline was communing with the dead. “There are times when I look at Flora and it slays me because I know she’s growing up not knowing Kate. I’m losing my memory of her, bit by bit, so its getting harder to tell Flora about her mother. I can’t even remember what Kate smells like...” Caroline stopped suddenly, the sense of loss washing over her.

Gillian sat next to her quietly. She picked up Caroline’s hand and started stroking it tenderly. She waited for the story to continue.

“And we talked about Olga. I’d never thought of my relationship with her as healing, but really, that’s what was in some ways. She helped me to deal with the grief. She helped me to see sunshine again, even if it was in brief bursts.” She paused, reflecting on her time with Olga. “I’ll write her a letter one day, thanking her. Not yet, but soon.”

Caroline gazed into the fire, lost in thought. Most of the second session they’d talked about Gillian, when it had become apparent that Gillian was now central to Caroline’s wellbeing. She relied on her as a friend and as a confident. There was no one else she could really talk to honestly, and even that she didn’t do very often. The counsellor had helped clarify a lot of this for Caroline, but god she found it hard.

More recently Caroline had started noticing Gillian in other ways too, ways that were less convenient considering the farmer was her step sister. Sure, they weren’t related by blood, but it was going to get awkward if she acted on her attraction. So much for her recent understanding of how important sex was to her, she thought. Life could be cruel sometimes.

Coming out of her reverie, Caroline looked down at her hand in Gillian’s, as if she’d just noticed that Gillian was touching her. Her hand curled and her thumb started to stroke the back of Gillian’s hand. Neither of them said anything while they watched their hands move and caress.

Caroline’s heart was beating faster, feeling like this was a moment to remember. She looked up to see Gillian gazing at her with a look so open and so tender that it pierced through Caroline’s shell and her heart felt like it stopped, just for a beat.

Caroline swallowed. “I didn’t know you felt like this.”

Gillian’s voice was quiet. “I have for a while.” She looked into her eyes and felt completely exposed, like Caroline could see into her soul, could see everything.

Desire flared through Caroline’s body and her lips parted. She had a driving need to touch Gillian, to taste her. She slowly brought Gillian’s hand to her mouth and kissed the back of it, relishing the feel of it. It was overtly sexual and Gillian’s breathing hitched.

Gillian was just about having an out of body experience. Here was her precious Caroline, rich blonde hair and soft lips tasting her weather-beaten farmer’s skin. She wanted to sear the image into her brain so she would never forget it.

Caroline turned Gillian’s hand and kissed the palm, lips brushing over the skin. Exploring the farmer’s strong hand, Caroline sensuously pushed her tongue between the webbing of the fingers before drawing two of them into her mouth and sucking them. She was rewarded with a gasp from Gillian. She pulled Gillian’s fingers from her mouth and gently bit the sensitive webbing near the thumb before sucking it to sooth it.

It was driving Gillian mad. She had no idea she could be so turned on by this. She couldn’t remember anyone ever focusing so intently on one of her hands before. It was very erotic. She put her other hand on the couch to steady herself.

Caroline raised her head, looking intently onto Gillian’s eyes. “Is this really what you want? I don’t ever want to do something you don’t want.”

“Yes.” Clearly stated and without qualification, Gillian looked at Caroline with open desire. “I want this. I want you.”

Caroline was compelled to explore Gillian’s body, to know her physically. “I want to touch you. To taste you.”

“It’s going to get complicated.”

“I don’t care.”

Caroline kissed the inside of Gillian’s wrist, using her tongue to increase the warmth of the touch. She was in full seduction mode, no longer rational as desire had so completely flooded her brain. She moved to Gillian’s neck, placing wet kisses over the pulsing carotid. She brushed her lips over Gillian’s cheek and when she reached her ear, she whispered, “You’re intoxicating.”

Gillian moaned and lunged, taking Caroline by surprise. Before she knew it Gillian was straddling her thighs, holding her face in both hands and kissing the hell out of her. She slid her hands up Gillian’s dress and grabbed her arse, clutching on for dear life. She was completely lost in this kiss, with no longer any sense of her or Gillian or the world at large. She was just sensation. Just this sensation.

Gillian sat up, gasping for air, Caroline’s face still in her hands. They sat there for a moment, staring at each other, mouths open and breathless, not quite believing that this was happening.

Gillian leaned forward to kiss Caroline gently on the lips. “You are so beautiful.” She brushed the blonde hair from Caroline’s face, murmuring, “so beautiful,” as she kissed along her forehead, nose and down to her mouth again.

The kiss deepened, Caroline was arching up towards Gillian with her body while she pulled the brunette to her. “I need to see you.” Caroline reached up behind Gillian and pulled down the zipper of her dress, moving her hands around Gillian to feel the skin on her back. She lifted the dress over Gillian’s head, revealing Gillian’s tender skin rippling over her muscled torso. Caroline ran her hands over the body that shivered beneath her touch, excited by the feel of it.

Gillian started undressing Caroline. The buttons on the shirt opened and she could see Caroline’s magnificent breasts barely contained by a black lacy bra. Gillian cupped them with both hands and buried her face between them, feeling like she was in heaven. She sighed with bliss. If she died now she’d be a happy woman.

For the two of them it was a case of wonder and delight, nerves and relief. They explored each other’s bodies until they collapsed with exhaustion, sticky and slick with sweat, tangled in one another’s limbs. Caroline had dragged a blanket from the back of the couch over them at some point and they slept until dawn.

 

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Gillian opened her eyes to the soft light leaking in from around the blinds. She was wrapped up in limbs and her head rested on soft flesh. She froze, not knowing where she was and for a moment, with whom. She looked more closely and saw freckles littering the undulating landscape in front of her eyes, but it was the fabulous catastrophe of blonde hair that brought the evening back to her.

She closed her eyes again, not wanting to wake up from the dream in case it disappeared. She could feel the softness of the breast under her cheek, the roundness of the belly under her arm, and the firmness of the thigh pressed against the inside of her legs. It all felt real. It started a delicious ache, a desire to start it all again.

Gillian had known for a while now that she wanted Caroline. She wasn’t often attracted to women but Caroline was special. There was something completely captivating about the glorious mess that was Caroline McKenzie-Dawson. Selfish and thoughtful, rabidly strong on the outside and yet fragile and vulnerable when she felt safe, the contradictions built a picture of a capable woman doing the best she could in a difficult world, desperately trying to hold it all together. Gillian knew she would never tire of her, as she had all her previous lovers. And god, those tits. She couldn’t quite believe she had finally got to touch them and here they were, naked in front of her. She sighed softly, not wanting to wake the owner of them just yet in case it disrupted her excellent view.

She lifted her head, the desire to lick and taste the deliciousness on offer too strong. She’d gently sucked one nipple to hardness when she felt Caroline stirring. In the mellow haze before wakefulness, Caroline turned into Gillian’s body, nestling further into her, issuing a soft sigh that was entirely arousing. Caroline’s body then stiffened for a moment, before she relaxed again and moved consciously to bring up the thigh between Gillian’s legs and moved her hand over Gillian’s gorgeous bum.

“I could happily wake up like this every day.” Caroline hadn’t opened her eyes yet, but the early signs of arousal were starting to sing through her body.

“Morning.” Gillian could now reach Caroline’s other nipple so she started to bring that to hardness.

“Oh, that’s nice.” Caroline was enjoying this as a way to greet the day, running her hands gently over Gillian’s body and having her nipples sucked. Becoming more awake brought to her attention that she needed to pee. Inconvenient. She sighed and opened her eyes.

“I’m going to have to get up. I need to pee before we go much further. I’m blaming the wine,” Caroline grouched.

“Yeah. Me too but I wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity of playing with your tits.”

“You like them, don’t you.”

“I do. Magnificent mammaries you have there, Caz.”

Caroline chuckled. “‘Mammaries’ always makes me think of Attenborough documentaries and photos from National Geographic when we were young.”

To Caroline’s regret, Gillian stopped what she was doing. “I haven’t thought of those magazines for ages. When did they go out of fashion?”

“Not sure. Some time in the ‘80s I think.” She remembered being a teenager fascinated by the photos of tall, half-naked black women and their breasts. She wondered briefly if they were the first photos she’d wanked to, before she shook the pictures free from her head and brought her focus back to Gillian. She really wanted Gillian to start sucking her nipples again, but she’d laid her head back on Caroline’s body.

Caroline sighed. “What are you up to today?”

“I’ll need to feed the sheep this morning. Oh, and I’ll need to fix the hay carrier too. One of the sheep got a bit enthusiastic yesterday, but it won’t take long to sort out.” The maintenance on a farm was never ending, but fortunately most of it could wait. Gillian really wanted to spend the day right here, nestled snugly in Caroline’s arms.

Caroline had been lying perched on the edge of the couch and knew there was never going to be a pretty way of getting off it. She gently extracted herself from Gillian’s limbs and flailed her way to vertical. She shook her head to fling the hair out of her eyes, which set off a lovely cascade of movement down her body that Gillian appreciated in the soft morning light. She marched off in the direction of the bathroom, calling out, “I’ll pop the coffee on,” as she went.

Gillian enjoyed the sight of Caroline’s naked arse retreating, then snuggled into the sofa under the blanket, holding the cushion to her face and loving the remnants of Caroline’s scent upon it. Five more minutes, she told herself, and then she’d get up.

 

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Gillian hadn’t closed her eyes for long when she felt a weight gently drop onto her stomach. She opened her eyes to see a disappointingly covered Caroline. She was starting to think it was a crime for Caroline to be clothed at all, even if she was obviously naked underneath her dressing gown.

“Coffee, I’m presuming. What else would you like for breakfast? We’ve got most things.” Caroline paused awkwardly. “I’m not sure what you like for breakfast.”

Gillian sat up, the blanket falling to her waist. She did notice that it seemed to stop Caroline from speaking. In fact, she just seemed to be staring at Gillian’s breasts with a look of lust written all over her face. Gillian grinned, happy to oblige with a show. She rose slowly from the couch, watching Caroline taking it all in. She ran her hands temptingly over her breasts, her belly, her hips and down between her legs.

“You like watching, Caroline?” she smirked.

Caroline’s eyes had followed Gillian’s hands, inch by seductive inch, her mouth running dry. Hoarsely she said, “Oh, we are so doing this one day.”

Gillian flung on the dressing gown and took hold of Caroline’s hand, pulling her into the kitchen. “You sort out the coffee, and I’ll sort out me. Back in a jiffy.” She reached up to kiss Caroline quickly on the lips before departing for the bathroom.

Caroline watched her go, a little bewildered by the morning. With her past lovers, things had been awkward after the first night, but Gillian seemed to be breezily happy, treating their changed relationship as if this happened every week. She marveled at how Gillian was taking it all in her stride, wondering if she would ever get to that point in her life. She sighed. Of course not, you pillock. You plan every last detail and panic when anything changes. She prepared the high-tech coffee machine that Gillian always teased her about even though they both really liked the resulting brew. She dripped the last of the coffee into two mugs when Gillian returned.

“Ta. I need that.” Gillian took a sip of the coffee and closed her eyes in bliss. “I do like your brew Caz.”

“It’s a single origin from Nigeria. One of my favourites. It’s a new one; I thought you might like it.”

Gillian thought that sounded like typical posh Caroline, but there was no denying the coffee was good.

“I borrowed someone’s toothbrush. No idea whose but I’m hoping it was yours.”

Caroline looked a little horrified. She knew she’d replace the lot as soon as she went shopping. Note to self, she added, pick up a toothbrush for Gillian too.

Gillian chuckled, “I used your mouthwash as well.”

Caroline was in the process of screwing up her face and launching into a hygiene lecture when Gillian put down her mug and pushed Caroline against the table, opened Caroline’s dressing gown and dropped her gaze to take in the divine form in front of her.

Not able to take her eyes from Caroline’s breasts, Gillian unconsciously licked her lips. “What do we have here... the terrain of my dreams.” She tenderly caressed Caroline’s breasts and started licking and sucking them. Caroline started writhing and Gillian slid a hand behind Caroline’s neck and pulled her into a breath-taking kiss. When Caroline finally came up for air, her legs were wobbly and she could barely remember her name.

“Fuck. You’re good at that.”

“Since you asked so nicely...” and in an instant Gillian had lifted Caroline up onto the table, spread her legs and was kissing and nibbling her neck. Caroline’s head reeled from the suddenness of it all, but she was very turned on by Gillian’s strength. She started stroking those impressively muscular biceps when Gillian hit a sensitive spot and Caroline instantly needed pressure on her clit. She pulled Gillian to her with powerful legs and started moaning and grinding her hips.

Gillian slowed things down, stroking Caroline’s thighs and body and never getting close to where Caroline craved. It felt like hours before Gillian touched her clit and even longer before she was inside her. It was blissful and exquisite and when she came, Caroline lost herself in Gillian’s arms.

Gillian was holding Caroline and gently massaged her back while she recovered. She could still feel the strong contractions around her hand and hoped it wasn’t too badly crushed. When Caroline released her, she slowly pulled her fingers out and wiggled them, a bit relieved they still functioned. Still, what a way to lose your hand, she smirked.

Caroline started to move and Gillian released her hold, leaning back to see Caroline’s face. “You okay,” she asked?

“Yeah. Wow. Now that was a coffee.”

“Twat.” Gillian snorted. “Yeah, that was a very special Farmer’s Brew, that was.” She laughed. “Lucky there’s more where that came from,” she said gleefully.

Caroline laughed wickedly. “What a relief! I’d hate there to be a shortage.”

Gillian’s stomach rumbled loudly, reminding them they had yet to eat. “I’m bloody hungry. Any chance of some food, Caz?”

“Sure. What would you like, you gorgeous Farmer’s Brew brewer?”

Tickled, Gillian had a big grin on her face. “Eggs would be great; don’t mind which way.”

“Coming up.” Caroline leaned forward, kissed Gillian tenderly on the lips, and slid off the table. “Might need to clean that before we eat,” she motioned to the wet patch on the table with a smirk.

 

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Omelettes with bacon, tomatoes and spring onions disappeared rapidly as the two women replenished their energy. Another batch of coffee was made, although Caroline refused to call it a brew in case it set Gillian off again. She didn’t think her twat could handle another round like that just at the moment. She could still feel the memory of Gillian inside her, and the pleasing ache of it. Still, it raised her awareness of her growing need to have Gillian, to taste Gillian. Against her nature, she was trying to be patient.

“So, eggs all right?”

“Great, Yeah. Thank you.” They were perfect, of course. Rich and delicious and exactly what Gillian wanted. Gillian had watched Caroline closely and still had no idea how she had magically whipped up this bit of perfection up so quickly and effortlessly.

“So is that enough? Would you like something else?”

“No, that’s grand. Thank you.” Gillian pushed the plate away from her, signaling she was done.

Caroline stood, picked up the plates and dropped them in the sink. She stood there, planning her approach, wondering what would be the best way to embark upon it. It was always so much simpler with alcohol and the seductive cover of darkness. She planted her hands on the edge of the sink and unconsciously started to move her hips. The dressing gown was swaying as she moved, a metronome to her need. Asking for what she wanted had been easier with Annafrid and Olga, when the stakes weren’t so high.

Gillian spotted something was up. “Are you all right Caroline?” She got up and stood next to Caroline, placing her hand gently on Caroline’s back.

Caroline exhaled slowly and turned to face Gillian, the intensity of her desire for the woman on open display. Gillian was momentarily shocked by the change, but her body responded with a flush running up her chest and face. They looked into each other’s eyes, seeing raw sexual need. Hearts racing, they came together hungrily, teeth and lips and hips colliding.

Caroline manoeuvred Gillian back to the sturdy wooden table in the middle of the room. The frantic energy slowly dissipated as Caroline pulled back for air, resting her forehead on Gillian’s. Still breathing fairly hard, she raised a hand to Gillian’s face gently and then looked her in the eyes. “I want you. I want to taste you.” Her urgent need had transmogrified into something more intimate, more complex.

Gillian was overwhelmed that Caroline had slowed everything down to get her permission. The clarity of morning made this different to last night. Last night was great fun and a dream come true, but it was a pale counterfeit of the way she felt connected to Caroline now.

“Yes.” Her breath rattled as she looked deep into Caroline’s eyes. “Yes.”

Caroline gently started kissing Gillian again. This time it felt more emotional, deeper than the physical passion that had marked their encounter so far.

Caroline put her arms around Gillian and lifted her up onto the edge of the table with an ease that surprised Gillian. She cupped Gillian’s face with her hands, using soft kisses to map Gillian’s features. Distracting her with a sensual mouth, Caroline untied Gillian’s dressing gown and heard the gasp as she ran her hands lightly across Gillian’s ribs until they found a home caressing her breasts. Nipples already hard, Caroline pinched them gently while sucking on Gillian’s sensitive neck, causing Gillian’s hips to move involuntarily. Gillian’s breathing and the scent of her arousal drove Caroline mad. She struggled to slow things down despite wanting to savour this time, this exploration. Each new sound, each new movement by Gillian was a revelation to Caroline.

Caroline reached behind Gillian and with a grand gesture swept the remnants of breakfast onto the floor. Knowing her aged knees wouldn’t cope with the hard floor, she grabbed a chair and brought it behind her, taking the cushion from it and placing it behind Gillian.

She kissed Gillian tenderly, and quietly said, “Lie down.” She followed Gillian’s shoulders down onto the table with her kisses, trailing them along her body until she reached Gillian’s hips. Caroline pulled the chair under her, and sighed.

“You are so beautiful.” Caroline gently lifted Gillian’s legs and put them over her shoulders. She licked, sucked and nipped her way up Gillian’s thighs. Caroline relished the taste and texture of Gillian, learning what pushed Gillian closer to the abyss of bliss from the sounds she made.

For Gillian, Caroline’s exquisite feasting seemed an eternity and when Gillian finally came, it was as if she existed only in that moment. It was several minutes before Gillian could reconstruct any sense of herself, before she could feel Caroline holding her, their fingers intertwined, soothing her while she pulled herself together from distant galaxies. Nothing had felt like this before.

For Caroline, today was the first time in years that she had felt truly safe. She’d shown Gillian her desire and she’d let go completely. She’d shown the part of her that was real, the part behind all the masks she hid behind to get through the day. She had been terrified to show herself in this deep, raw way, but Gillian had been right there with her. It was a revelation of sorts, just as it had been with Kate, the discovery that sometimes it was enough, just to be her.


	9. Friday Night Dinner - One way to say 'Hello'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Friday night dinner with Caroline and Gillian, the first one after their shagfest the week before.

Gillian was early and waited for Caroline in the dim light of the car park. The cold was starting to seep into her bones, despite the thick coat she wore over her blue jeans and wool jumper. Normally she would wait for Caroline inside the pub, but this time she wanted to greet her in private and wore warmer clothes in anticipation of the arctic wind.

It had been nearly a week since they’d consummated their relationship, a word she thought far too clinical for what they’d done. Gillian rolled it around in her head, using it to avoid her anxiety about whether Caroline had changed her mind about them since last Saturday. It had felt really special to Gillian, but she still had trouble imagining someone as smart and fancy and gorgeous as Caroline being interested in her, a poor sheep farmer with a dodgy reputation and an ex-husband in limbo.

Gillian had had a quiet week, mostly shifts at the supermarket, winter maintenance and waiting for the weather to clear. Caroline, by comparison, had been frantic at work and dealt with a sick Flora at home, so they hadn’t had a chance to see each other since Saturday. The few phone calls late at night had been fairly awkward and they hadn’t sorted anything out between them. It resulted in a nervous farmer waiting in the cold for a tired head teacher to arrive.

Gillian was wearing a path into the stones when she saw Caroline’s Jeep turn into the car park. She bolted over to the car, yanked open the passenger door and climbed in the front seat, startling a yelp out of Caroline.

“Gillian!” She closed her eyes and leant against the car window for a moment, recovering. “You scared the...” Caroline breathed in slowly and turned to look at Gillian, this time with warmth. “Hi.”

“Hiya Caz.” Gillian was on a mission. She closed the distance between the two of them, brought a hand behind Caroline’s neck and pulled her in for a kiss. The kiss went from ‘hello’ to ‘holy fuck’ in the time it took for both of them to become desperate for air. When they pulled back from each other, both were breathing hard.

“Well,” Caroline cleared her throat. “That was one way to say ‘Hello’.”

“I didn’t want to do that in the pub, for obvious reasons, so I thought I’d meet you out here.” Gillian was still staring at Caroline’s lips, not quite finished with them yet.

“Good thinking. I like your...” Caroline’s words were cut off by another bout of kissing, this time involving wandering hands and some moaning, leaving them both wet and wanting.

“Bloody hell, Gillian.” Caroline’s voice was hoarse. She thought she was going to have to wipe down the seats of the Jeep if they’d kept going. She’d had to wash the blanket and all the covers of the couch last weekend and had considered throwing out one of the cushions before she found a way to salvage it. She was going to have to start carrying around towels, she thought.

Gillian laughed, a little smug that she’d been able to fry Caroline’s brain a little.

“So... I guess you want to continue this?” Caroline asked quietly, when she could formulate sentences again.

Gillian stared at Caroline, trying to figure out if she really was this emotionally daft or was being obtuse. “I just snogged the hell out of you and you want to know if I want to continue?”

“Okay. Okay. It’s been a big week and I’m not...we haven’t...I really wasn’t sure if you still want this.”

“Yeah, I do. And so do you too, you pillock. Don’t tell me the sex wasn’t great.”

Caroline was hedging. “Well, it was...good, so...”

“Hey! It was only a couple of weeks ago you told me about Annafrid and how you wanted more pleasure in your life. Am I missing something here, Caz?”

“No. No. You’re...no.” Caroline sighed, eventually coming clean. “Okay, it was great. You were great.” She closed her eyes for a moment, “And god, I really do miss it.” She looked at Gillian, who could see just how hard it was for Caroline to admit that.

“So this is just sex for you, Caz. Nothing more?” Gillian held her breath, hoping for a different answer to the one she was expecting.

“I don’t know. It’s...it’s...regardless of how we feel, I don’t see how it can be more. We can’t tell our parents; they can’t know about this. It would kill them.” As soon as she said it, her eyes shot to Gillian. “I’m sorry. That was thoughtless of me. Sorry.”

Gillian looked out into the night, fighting off the vision of her dad having another heart attack. She swallowed loudly, burying the pre-emptive grief.

Caroline struggled for the right words. “Look, I know that this isn’t normal for you Gillian, that you don’t usually go for women. I understand that you want us to keep seeing each other, but not seeing each other really isn’t an option either, is it? It’s not like we can avoid family functions if we stuff it up.”

Why was it that even during complex educational strategy meetings she was never short of words, but for this, she was stumped? Caroline was having trouble understanding what she really wanted, let alone what was possible for the two of them. She’d been thinking about this for days, but no resolution had settled in her head. She was going to have to talk to the counsellor about it.

“I want to see you too Gillian, but I can’t see how this can ever work and not be a nightmare for both of us.”

“Caz, we can do this. We just have to be quiet about it. If we’re careful, we’ll be right.” Gillian was thinking of all the methods of persuasion that had worked for the blokes she’d seduced, but then, they were all so easy. None were as complex, or as challenging, as the blonde sitting beside her. Different rules entirely, she thought to herself.

“There’s always Fridays nights...” Gillian smirked. Her weekly Caroline fix could be something else entirely. The possibilities sent her blood south, and she squirmed a little in her seat.

Caroline’s head snapped up. “Oh really? A weekly shag? Is that how you want to play it?” Something about the regularity of it, the order of it, called to her organised nature. It felt more controllable if it was a regular thing.

The more she thought about it, the more she thought it possible. “Okay. We could give that a go.”

Gillian beamed. It was a start. It gave her an opening to keep working on Caroline. It could develop into something more, if she was smart. And lucky.

“Great. Now that’s sorted, let’s have some dinner because I’m starving.”

Caroline laughed. “Sure. Let’s go Madam Farmer.”

 

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Gillian was enjoying her steak and the company of Caroline, but kept dropping her eyes to the tantalising breasts sitting across from her. It really was very distracting, she thought, more so now that she knew just how spectacular they really were.

Caroline was starting to be a bit exasperated by Gillian’s lack of focus. “Gillian. You do really have to pay attention to this. We are going to need to work out what to do here. If Mum finds out and we don’t have a plan, it could get really nasty.”

Gillian sighed. Caroline was right. “I know. I don’t want me dad having another heart attack either. That terrifies me.” She ate another mouthful of potatoes and spoke around it, “So what do you suggest?”

“How about your place? If Mum and Alan are at mine looking after Flora, then we could go to yours.” Caroline was thinking she’d rather be in her own bed; better sheets for a start, and she liked being at home. There was always a sense of safety about it. Then again, if her mum came into the room afterwards with her sensitive nose, it would be a dead giveaway. The scents of sex always lingered in the air for hours. She sighed. The disadvantages of having her mum living inside the house with her were becoming glaringly obvious. It really was going to have to be at Gillian’s.

“That could work. Most weeks at my place it’s just me. Some Fridays I babysit Calam, as you know, but not often.”

“I’m normally home by 10pm, so how early...” Two or three hours were just not going to be enough for what Caroline was planning. She tried to hide the smile when she started to think of the things she and Gillian could get up to.

“Whenever. When could you be free?”

“I could leave school early most Fridays, with a little planning on my part. That could work.”

They were both thinking about those few hours and all of the possibilities.

“It’s still early.” Caroline said meaningfully. “I don’t need to be back until ten.”

Neither had finished their dinner, but they looked at each other and realised the two hours they had left could be better spent. Caroline threw some cash on the table, they both stood up, grabbed their coats and bolted for the door.


	10. Saturday Night - William's Birthday Party

Caroline and Lawrence sat outside in the garden, braving the cold for a private chat neither of them wanted.

“It was fairly agonising, but it was also interesting. She gave me some homework to do, and some suggestions as to how to help manage the grief when it hits.” Caroline hated this, but knew she had to be brave before she could expect her son to be.

“Did it go okay for you? I don’t need the details, that’s between the two of you, but was it okay?” Caroline carefully kept her tone neutral, trying to be supportive.

“Yeah. I guess so. He gave me some homework too. Hard to keep it from Dad though.”

“Can you find somewhere quiet to do it, like the library or in your bedroom?” 

“I guess.”

Caroline really wanted to put her hand on his back to offer her physical support, but wasn’t sure what response she’d get, so kept her hands to herself. 

“If he’s not working out I’ll find you someone else, but I’d really like you to keep going with this, Lawrence. I will too.” She really hoped some professional guidance was going to help him. She could only imagine how much easier it would have been for her if she’d been able to do the same thing at his age. How different life might have been for her. She sighed. Perhaps there wouldn’t have even been a John, but that would have meant no William and no Lawrence.

“Let me know if there is something you need from me. I do love you, and I really want the best for you.”

“Yeah, I know.” Lawrence got up and walked to the back door, more than ready for this to be over. He wasn’t ready however, and not quite mature enough, to forgive her for moving so far away and making his life so much harder.

Caroline sat there for a moment longer, despondent about her son and their damaged relationship. If only it was as easy as the one she had with William. She brightened. He’d be arriving soon. She couldn’t wait to see him. He was one of the few people she genuinely missed when they were apart.

Caroline sighed and followed Lawrence inside, thankful that at least the boiler had been serviced and the house was warm. 

 

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The lounge room was full of the family who’d come to celebrate William’s 20th birthday. Lawrence was playing on his phone, Raff and his girlfriend Ellie were talking, and William was playing with Flora. Celia was boring everyone who would listen, but mostly Alan, about the latest play she was doing with the Halifax Players. She was playing Judith Bliss, a retired actor and star, and Celia had taken it upon herself to practice her persona at every opportunity. Two sherries under her belt and she was already in full flight. Caroline was hugely relieved she had the excuse of checking on the dinner and had escaped to the kitchen. 

Caroline had nearly completed the dinner preparations when Gillian arrived with Calamity. After babysitting her granddaughter all day, it was a bit of a relief to hand her back to Calamity’s parents who’d arrived just before her. Raff and Ellie would look after the bedtime routine for both girls before the adults ate. Gillian wandered through to the kitchen, finding the source of the delicious smells filtering through the house.

“Hiya. I’ve brought the apple crumble. Shall I pop it in the fridge?” She was rambling a bit with nerves.

“That would be great. Thank you.” Caroline looked up, not able to hide the huge smile on her face that blossomed with Gillian’s arrival. “Thank you for doing that. You didn’t have to, but William will love it.”

Caroline reached for the bottle and poured a glass of red wine for Gillian.

“Great. Thanks.” Gillian sauntered around the table, trying to gather her thoughts. Knowing that she would see Caroline tonight still hadn’t prepared her for the way her heart was pounding and her broad smile stayed glued to her face. Their hands touched when Caroline handed over the glass and both women stood still, barely breathing, trying to manage their own responses to the close proximity and the touch of the other.

The spell was broken when William stumbled into the room. They nearly jumped apart, Gillian sloshing the wine onto her hand and Caroline spinning to face the sink to hide. 

“Do you need a hand,” he asked?

“No thanks, darling. It’s very sweet of you to ask, but this is your birthday so...” Caroline turned and clocked his face, which was almost desperate for a bit of quiet. “Actually, if you’d like to help...” she said, hunting around the kitchen for something he could do, “you could finish setting the table if you wish.”

She looked at Gillian, almost apologetic, and definitely disappointed. 

“Sure.” William quietly looked from his mum to Gillian and back again, trying to work out the exchange he had witnessed. He moved quietly around the table, adding cutlery and cloth napkins, and the decorations he knew his mum liked.

“So William, tell us what’s happening in Oxford this term? Are you liking your classes?” Caroline knew she could rely on William to step into the conversational gap while Gillian and she recovered.

“Professor Sumner is still as bad as my friends said he’d be, but I’m enjoying 18th Century Literature. Modern Writing is as obtuse as last term, but I’m getting my head around it, so I’m happy about that.” William prattled on about some of the minutia of his course, noticing the looks being passed from Gillian to his mum and back again. Underneath the prattling, knowing he wasn’t really being heard, he was busy interpreting the silent conversation that filled the room. It wasn’t that he hadn’t already worked it out, so much as he couldn’t quite picture his mum and Gillian as partners. Obviously he didn’t want to envisage his mum in bed with anyone, but Gillian was so very different, he was having trouble seeing the attraction. And yet, here it was, as clear as day to him in the looks and touches as they moved around the space together, getting dinner ready. He’d always been able to understand his mum, often better than she did.

It was only twenty minutes before the roast came out of the oven and William was asked if he wanted to carve it. “Good practice for you,” was Caroline’s instruction, as she served up the vegetables. The rest of the family brought the hubbub with them when they poured into the kitchen and dinner had officially begun.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

“What do you mean you were in a car accident?” Caroline was nearly shouting and the colour had run from her face. All the conversations around the table stopped dead.

“It’s okay Mum. It was just a prang. We were in the mountains when Angus hit some ice and we slid into the guard rail. Neither of us were hurt.” Lawrence knew it was going to be an issue. His mum was always going to hit the roof and he’d been trying to keep it quiet. She had hearing like an owl and had caught the tail end of a conversation at the other end of the table. 

“Well obviously he was driving too fast for the conditions. I don’t want you driving with him again.” Halfway between terror and the corresponding rage at Angus for nearly killing her son, Caroline was trying to control her rising fear. She knew it wasn’t rational but the thought of Lawrence injured was overwhelming.

Gillian had quietly got up and moved around behind Caroline. She rested a hand on Caroline’s shoulder. It had the immediate effect of calming Caroline, who dropped her head and closed her eyes while she took stock. Her son was safe. The accident hadn’t hurt him. He was fine.

Lawrence didn’t quite know if this was the best time to raise the issue, but with the silence at the other end of the table, he figured it might work. “I’d like to get my license too. I’m saving for a car. It would be much easier getting to and from work. Dad said he’d match my savings so I could get a safer car. You could always chip in and get me an even better one. Then I wouldn’t need to get a lift with Angus,” he said hopefully.

Caroline drew breath while she raised her head and stared at her son. “Really? You want to go into this. Now?”

Lawrence knew then that he’d made a tactical error. “Shit” he said quietly.

“Indeed. We can talk about this later.” She stared at him, waiting for any more gems to fall from his lips.

After a few moments, it seemed like the crisis was over. Everyone started to relax and conversations started up again. Caroline placed her napkin on the table and rose to put the coffee on. A look passed between her and Gillian and she touched Gillian on the hip as she moved past her. It wasn’t something either of them thought about and yet it was a clue to something going on between them. 

William wasn’t the only one who noticed. Seeing his mum move to support Caroline and Caroline’s response, Raff was watching Gillian as intently as William was watching Caroline. The normally hawk-eye’d Celia, happy with sherry, had misinterpreted the lot and no one else had thought twice about it.

The two women moved around the kitchen, removing the plates and preparing dessert and coffee. They were so intent on each other that neither of them noticed that they were being carefully observed. 

The coffee machine on, it was Gillian who quietly whispered “Farmer’s brew?” into Caroline’s ear, inspiring the thought of being shagged into oblivion and the resulting embarrassed flush and a coughing fit. 

On her way to pick up the cups, as payback Caroline quietly whispered into Gillian’s ear, “I had a tastier meal on this table last week.” Gillian went beet red while Caroline smirked, trying not to laugh. 

It was after this exchange that William noticed Raff was paying attention to the women too. He caught Raff’s eye. They were going to have to chat about this. This was going to blow up if Celia found out. He nodded in the direction of the door and Raff quietly got up from the table and followed William out the door. 

“What, was that!?” Raff was hopping around like he couldn’t stand still. “Are they nuts?”

“I didn’t know. Did you know?” William was looking around, making sure no one else could overhear them.

“No. No idea.”

“First I’ve seen it, but then I’m away so I don’t always know what’s going on. Lawrence definitely doesn’t know or he’d have called me, and I’m sure neither Granny or Alan know.”

“Me and Ellie had no idea and I’m sure me Grandad doesn’t know.” He stopped to think about it. “It’s not bad though. I like Caroline, and Mum’s liked her for ages. Bitches about her, but I think underneath it me mum really likes her.” He pauses, “Well, obviously.” He sniggered. “God, I don’t want to think about it. Me mum! A lesbian?”

“Yeah, it’s a bit to take in. But my mum is a better lesbian than she ever was straight. She was so unhappy with Dad. And your mum’s great. I really like her.” William stops. “It’s doing my head in a bit. They’re so different.”

“Can you imagine them fighting? Holy shit!” Raff cracked up. “It would be world war bloody three!”

William laughed, but it was a high-pitched, strangled version of one. “Terrifying. Avoid at all costs. Move counties. Seriously.”

They both stood still for a moment, trying to get their heads around this new understanding of their mums. 

It was William, his mother’s son, who moved into strategic phase. “So what are we going to do about it? Do we tell them we know?”

“Yeah, I think we better. Me mum’s going to need to talk to someone about it. I swear I’m going to need a ton of counselling, but it’s better she talks to me than me Grandad.”

“Mum probably won’t, but I want to give her the option.” William was thinking about the bigger problem; Celia.

“Will you keep in touch Raff? I’ll give you my number; if Celia gets wind of this...” William was shaking his head, the fear of Celia’s reaction a real and present danger. She really could split the family.

“Yeah. Will do. You call me if you hear anything too, yeah?” 

“And if we need to talk, we talk to each other, not to the rest of the family.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to Ellie, but she won’t tell anyone. She’s good like that.” Raff nodded.

“Done.”

As they walked back inside, William wondered if his mum’s shenanigans were going to turn his hair grey before he hit 21.


	11. Friday Night Dinner - The Intervention

Caroline arrived at Gillian’s a bit after 6.30pm. She’d had time to put Flora to bed and read her a story before changing and hopping into the car. She knew Gillian was babysitting Calamity so that Raff and Ellie could have a Friday night out, which meant their more private plans were on hold until Calamity went to bed.

Caroline knocked on the door and went in. “Gillian, I’m here,” she said not too loudly. She wanted to announce her arrival so she didn’t scare Gillian, but didn’t want to wake Calamity if she’d just gone down for her sleep.

A squeal of delight and a high-pitched “Aunty Caz!” meant that the toddler was still getting ready for bed. Caroline smiled to herself and walked towards the stairs, dropping her bag and the wine on the kitchen table on the way.

She found them in the bathroom, Gillian helping Calamity to brush her teeth. She picked up the toddler for a hug and received a toothpaste kiss on her cheek. She laughed. “Are your teeth really clean, little miss? I hope so.” She smacked loud kisses on Calamity’s cheek and received squirmy giggles in return.

Dropping Calamity gently to the floor, Caroline looked at Gillian, a broad grin on her face. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all week.”

“Me too, Caz. Me too.” Gillian had just as big a grin on her face. “I’ll just get this one to bed. Why don’t you check on the dinner for me and I’ll be down in a few.” She held her hand out and Caroline held on to it for a moment before squeezing it gently and letting go.

“Okay.” Caroline looked at Calamity. “Good night Miss Calamity. Sweet dreams.” She smiled and kissed the toddler again on the top of her head and left them to their nightly routine.

After checking on the stew, Caroline poured them both a glass of red and sat on the sofa nearest the stairs so she could listen to the quietly soporific tones of Gillian reading a bedtime story to Calamity. There was something very soothing about being part of the nightly routine and she was lulled into calm by Gillian’s voice. She felt happy, a mutable and rare state.

When Gillian came down the stairs, story time finished, Caroline was nearly asleep. Gillian leant over the back of the sofa, running her hands down Caroline’s arms and nuzzled under the blonde hair to reach Caroline’s neck. She spoke softly into the warmth, “I’ve missed you.”

Caroline captured Gillian’s hands and pulled them over her chest and held them to her. “Me too. It was lovely hearing you read to Calamity. You’re very good at it. I loved all the voices.”

“That’s part of the fun of it, isn’t it?” She kissed Caroline’s neck gently. “I baked some bread for us, the sourdough I know you like.”

“Now you’re spoiling me. You know I love it. Thank you.” 

Caroline turned her head and their lips met tenderly.

“Let’s have dinner and then we can play.” Gillian could feel Caroline smile into her lips.

“Good plan. I’m hungry.”

They dished up the hearty stew and added the fresh bread to mop up the juices, sluicing it down with the bold red Caroline had brought from home. They talked about their week and the goings on within the family, laughing about Celia’s continual dropping into character from the Noel Coward play. 

“It’s like she’s found her true self. It’s hilarious.” Caroline was chuckling. She’d been enjoying her mum’s turn as Judith Bliss, who was more fun and less acidic than the Celia of old.

After dinner, Gillian did the washing up and Caroline entertained her with her Celia-as-Judith Bliss impersonations while clearing the table. The kitchen clean, they moved into the lounge room with their wines. Sitting next to each other, they were close, their shoulders touching and their hands caressing. It wasn’t long before Caroline took things further, kicking off her shoes and sitting astride Gillian for a proper snog. Gillian had one hand in Caroline’s glorious blonde hair while the other snuck under her top, searching for the divine breasts she knew she’d find.

At a local restaurant, not far away, Raff and Ellie sat with William. They’d picked him up from the station in Halifax at 5.30pm. They were going to stage an intervention, of sorts.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The sound of her Land Rover finally broke through into Gillian’s consciousness. “Fuck! Shit. That’s Raff. Shit. Caroline!”

Caroline was dumped rudely on the floor as Gillian leapt up, scrabbling to find the clothing they’d abandoned in their lust-fueled haze. Caroline sat bewildered for a second before the words sank in. “Fuck!” Gillian threw her the bra that had been launched playfully onto the other sofa and her shirt that had landed under the coffee table. Caroline dragged herself up off the ground and had managed to get her bra on and pull her shirt over her shoulders before she heard the door opening. She faced the fireplace, but it was obvious she was still doing up her shirt and her hair must have looked exactly like Gillian had been grabbing handfuls of it while they were snogging. She glanced at Gillian who was in better shape to greet the coming posse, apart from the smudged makeup all over her mouth. 

“Hiya. You’re back early. Everything okay?” Gillian wore the overly happy facade of the clearly caught.

“Oh.” Raff stood there looking at his mum and the mortified Caroline, taking it all in. “Sorry. We should have...” He stopped, embarrassed to have caught his mum so obviously at it with Caroline.

William and Ellie had piled in the door behind Raff, running into him when he stopped suddenly. It was Ellie who started laughing, tickled by the idea that the always-together Caroline had been caught making out with Gillian. Raff turned to Ellie, who was losing it by this stage, and started laughing too. It wasn’t long before all the young ones were laughing, nervously releasing the tension of the shock of it all. 

“I’ll pop kettle on,” Gillian said as she grabbed Caroline’s hand and dragged her into the kitchen. She planted a clearly still shaken Caroline against the wall in the kitchen, out of sight of their kids and gently combed her fingers through Caroline’s hair, bringing it back to some sort of tidiness. “It’s okay. It’s just Raff and William.” Her quiet, calming voice soothed the shocked embarrassment of her lover. 

“Shit. I’m sorry. It’s just...” Caroline closed her eyes for a moment and breathed. When she opened them again, all she could see was Gillian’s tender gaze and they moved together for a brief kiss, communicating the trust and comfort they both needed.

Gillian looked at Caroline and could see the head teacher persona scaffolding click back into place, a bit sad to lose the private and tender Caroline with whom she was in love. Gillian blinked, wondering how that had blindsided her. She blinked the thought away; she would examine that little gem when she had more time.

Caroline pulled her hanky out of her pocket and gently wiped her lipstick off Gillian’s face. She grabbed her bag and touched up her own makeup quickly. Feeling much more in control, she looked again at Gillian. “Right. Onwards.”

“Tea. Right.” She turned to put the kettle on and Caroline pulled out the mugs and found some cake Gillian had made for their dessert. 

“Lucky you made this Gillian,” she said wryly. “It’ll come in handy for whatever this little jaunt is,” she said nodding to the lounge room. Caroline suspected that this was probably William’s and Raff’s idea of an intervention. Clearly their secret was blown, but she had no idea why the boys were here tonight.

Tea made and cake ready, they looked at each other and mentally girded their loins, no idea what they were facing. They took a deep breath and launched themselves cheerfully into battle, Henry V’s speech ‘Once more unto the breach, my friends’ playing in Caroline’s head.

“Tea’s made,” Gillian said brightly as she stepped into the lounge, seeing the three of them, Raff, Ellie and William, sitting in a row on one couch. They handed out the mugs and cake and Caroline corralled Gillian onto the two-seater couch. Better to present a united front, she thought.

“Okay. What’s going on?” Caroline got them rolling, in a tone that said she wasn’t mucking around.

Raff and William looked at each other, but it was William who spoke. 

“We, Raff and I, noticed a couple of weeks ago, at my birthday party, that you two seemed close. Well, closer than before. And tonight confirms it really.” He looked directly at his mum, gaining confidence as he spoke. “We wanted to say that it’s okay with us and we’re here if you need us.” Caroline glanced at Gillian before turning back to look at William. She smiled at him. He really was the pick of the family, she thought, so much kinder than the rest of us. 

“And that’s why you’re here, all of you?”

“Yes. We talked about it and thought you’d want to know we knew, and that it was okay with us.” 

William was right. Caroline did want to know that the boys knew about her and Gillian, but she hated the thought they’d been talking about her behind her back. It set her teeth on edge.

“Thank you for coming to let us know in person,” she said a little stiffly. 

“So how long has it been going on?” Raff chimed up suddenly. He really wanted to know, to know if his mum had been mucking about before Robbie left. He liked Caroline but he felt protective of his uncle too.

Caroline glared at Raff, even though she knew he didn’t deserve it. She didn’t want to answer, but couldn’t find a reason not to. She noticed Gillian looking at her, raising her eyebrow. Caroline nodded subtly.

Gillian answered, “It’s only been a month. Very new for us. We’re still finding our feet really.” She reached across the couch to pick up Caroline’s hand, but Caroline pulled her hand away. Gillian wasn’t going to let her get away with it. She kept her hand out and looked intently at Caroline.

Caroline closed her eyes, remembering the damage her internalised homophobia and fear had done to her relationship with Kate. She let go of some of her armour and held out her hand to Gillian, who took it. They shared a look, understanding the decision Caroline had made and what it had taken for her to do this. For Caroline, it revealed again the emotional strength of Gillian, the one who was ostensibly still in the closet. It gave her a sense of déjà vu, remembering the strength of Kate in being visible, no matter the cost.

“So,” Caroline cleared her throat, “Who else knows?” She looked at the three on the couch still unsure why they were here in force.

“No one. Not that we know. I’m sure Lawrence doesn’t know; he’d have called me. And Granny doesn’t or we’d all know about it.” William chipped in.

“And Grandad doesn’t know. He would have told me, or Celia, for sure,” Raff added. 

Ellie stayed quiet, letting the sons do the talking. She was there in case Calamity needed someone while the others talked. She thought it was better drama than the Friday night crime night on the BBC. At 17, she was trying to picture the two women in bed together and wondering what old people did. Gillian and Caroline, at 48, seemed ancient to her. A pity she couldn’t tell anyone about it yet, but she’d been on the wrong end of gossip herself and wouldn’t inflict it on Gillian.

“Yes, well, the less they know the better.” Caroline looked at the three stooges, as she was beginning to think of them. “Can we keep it that way, please?” It was a directive, not a question and they all knew it.

“We’ve known for weeks and we haven’t told anyone Mum. We know Granny isn’t going to be nice about this, so we were wondering if you had a plan.” William went to the heart of the matter; Celia.

“No. Not yet.” Caroline sighed. She knew they needed one. It was going to get ugly when Celia found out. “It’s early days for us. We’d rather it stay private for the moment. Once your Granny knows, everyone in the family will know. Actually, other than snarky comments, she might ignore it if she can keep it from public knowledge.” She turned to Gillian, “And I know you’re worried about your dad. I’m worried that Mum might take it out on him. Blame him or something. Normally I can guess how she’s going to react, but this is...beyond any experience I have of her.”

“She normally blames you Mum,” William stated sadly, knowing how much it hurt his mother when his granny was nasty. “But she blamed Kate when you two got together, so maybe she’ll blame Gillian instead of you. She will blame someone and it won’t be pleasant.”

Caroline was aware of how much her young lad had grown up. Over two years in Oxford and William was clearly a young man and no longer a boy. She couldn’t quite imagine how she and John had managed it actually; William was kind and thoughtful, and very perceptive. It was beyond her understanding that one of her lads could turn out like William and the other like Lawrence. It brought the nature vs nurture arguments into sharp relief.

“Yeah. Probably.” Gillian thought about it. “The thing is, I remember when she first heard about Kate at the farm. That was classic denial, right?”

“Yep. If she’s not directly faced with it, she’ll ignore it unless she thinks someone ‘out there’ will notice. She’s a stickler for appearances because of my dad... she really cares what people think. She’s terrified, terrified, that people will gossip about her.” 

Remembering how awful Celia was about Kate, she dreaded her mother knowing about Gillian, not convinced that her mother had changed. Kate dying and Caroline not having a publicly acknowledged girlfriend for two years meant that Celia could effectively render Caroline asexual in her head; not the same at all as having a daughter who was a lesbian and had a partner. Celia’s constant needling for Caroline to find a nice man was telling and it drove Caroline up the wall.

“So, if we did nothing and you dropped little hints, would that work? Me Grandad might get it first, though,” Raff suggested.

“I don’t know. I know she likes Gillian but the fact that we’re not actually related may not soften this for her.” Caroline looked inquiringly at her sister-in-law. “Gillian?”

“It could be okay for Celia. She might need time to get used to the idea. To be honest, I’m more worried about me dad having a heart attack.”

“So do we tell him first?” Raff asked.

“No. Not yet. I don’t want anyone to know yet. We don’t even know what we are yet.” Caroline was starting to feel really pushed, and was more and more uncomfortable as the conversation went on.

“But haven’t you been having dinner nearly every Friday night for a year or so?” Raff piped up again. He was looking at his mum, trying to see what had changed for her.

“Yeah, we have, but only as friends.” Gillian looked a bit sheepish, “It wasn’t until after Robbie left that anything happened.”

“Is that why he left, Mum?” Raff felt he was getting to the heart of it. He’d never really understood why Robbie had gone. And gone to Canada, of all places. It wasn’t like he’d moved to Hebden Bridge. He’d really gone, gone.

“No. No. It really weren’t. It were something else. It hadn’t been working for us for a while. A long time really.” Gillian started to fidget. “Us splitting were really more about your dad, actually. We were never meant to get married, not after your dad. I loved Robbie, but it were a mistake.” She didn’t really want to tell Raff that it might have been more about recreating history for him and penance for her than anything else. 

“So if you’ve been seeing each other every week for months, were that like dating?” Ellie suddenly joined the conversation, interested to see how two people could be friends for so long and then suddenly change.

Caroline was dumbstruck with this realisation. Ellie was right. They had effectively been dating. She could even see how much Gillian had grown on her over the time, to the point where she was now telling her things, things she wouldn’t normally tell anyone. The level of trust she had with Gillian had been growing for a long time now. How could it not, considering the enormity of what Gillian shared about Eddie all those years ago? This new information flummoxed her; how had she not recognised this?

“Shit. Oh Shit.” Caroline muttered under her breath. Her mind was whirring at a million miles an hour trying to re-evaluate all her past encounters with Gillian through this new framework. She closed her eyes and briefly rested her head against the back of the couch. 

Gillian could see Caroline needed space and decided to wrap it up before it went further south. “Okay, so we don’t tell anyone else. If you want to ask us anything you can.” Caroline looked sharply at her, but Gillian ignored it. “I might have a chat with me dad when the time is right, but not yet. And Celia, we’ll work something out later. Sound like a plan?” Gillian was smiling, thinking she’d avoided the worst of it.

Caroline looked at William and quietly said, “Leave Lawrence to me. I’ll tell him, but when he’s home in the next month or two.” She took a breath. “I’ll let you know when I do. No doubt he’ll want to call you about it.” She got up and went to William, who stood up for a hug.

“Thank you William. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You really are the pick of our family.” She kissed him on the side of his face and held him tight. “I love you so much. Thank you for coming all this way for this.”

All business again, Caroline stepped back as everyone stood up and prepared to leave. “Now, where are you staying? Are you coming home with me William?”

“That would be great, if that’s okay with you, Mum.”

“Of course. What a treat for me to have you for a few more hours. When are you due back?”

“11am train tomorrow.”

“Okay. We’ll have you on it.” Caroline went to the kitchen to pick up her bag, rummaging around for her car keys. “William, you can drive. I’ll meet you in the car in a minute.” He knew the instructions were to send him packing, giving his mum time to say goodbye to Gillian. He smiled to himself as he took the car keys, gave Gillian a quick hug and walked out into the cold.

Caroline turned to Raff for a hug. “Thank you Raff.” She gave him a squeeze and let him go before moving on to hug Ellie. “Thank you Ellie.” Caroline sat to put her boots on and left Gillian to speak with Raff while Ellie went to get Calamity.

Gillian had followed Raff into the kitchen. “Do you want to have a cuppa tomorrow afternoon, just you and me?” She really wanted to talk to him about it all and make sure he was okay.

“Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll see you after work, about 5. Could you pick me up?”

“Yeah. I’ll do that. Then I’ll drop you home.”

“Are you okay Mum? I know this is a big thing, going out with a woman. A bit different to men.”

“Yeah. Actually, not the first time, just the first time anyone’s known about it,” Gillian admitted.

“You what!? Really? When?” Raff’s mouth dropped open with astonishment.

“It were a long time since, before you were born.” Gillian figured there was no need for specifics. “So no, not that new for me; just been a while.” She looked down at the floor, “But it will be new to your grandad. I don’t know how he’s going to take it.”

“He likes Caroline. He thinks she’s well cool, so I reckon you’ll be right with him.” Raff wrapped his long arms around her and gave her a big hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow Mum. Love you.” 

“Are you okay love?” Gillian asked, worrying that he really wasn’t okay about it.

“Yeah. I’m fine Mum. She’s a catch is Caroline, and I know you’re fond of her. So nice one!” Raff rubbed her back and laughed. “See you tomorrow.”

Raff and Gillian pulled apart, and Gillian turned to Ellie, who had come back downstairs with a sleepy Calamity draped over her shoulder. “See you love. Thanks for coming tonight. And thanks for your support. It means a lot, it does.” She gave Ellie a hug and kissed Calamity goodnight.

The young Greenwoods were out the door, leaving Gillian and Caroline alone. They stood and looked at one another. It was Gillian who walked to Caroline, wrapping her arms around her. 

“Big night Caroline.” She buried her face into Caroline’s neck, breathing in her scent. 

“Yeah. It feels different now that someone else knows. It’s not just ours anymore, is it?” She stroked Gillian’s hair and kissed the top of her head. The sense of calm that came over her when she was touching Gillian was a constant surprise, the relief of a port in the storm of life. 

They both pulled back to look at one another, communication no longer verbal. They kissed tenderly, a kiss telegraphing affection and trust, and as soon as their tongues touched, lust. They stopped before it got too heated and rested their foreheads against one another. 

“I’ll see you soon. I’ll call you.”

“We’ll make a time. Safe travel home, Caroline.”

Caroline smiled warmly and turned for the door. Knowing that Gillian would be watching her on her way out, she moved her hips ever so seductively as she sashayed to the door.

“Bitch.” 

“Yep.” Caroline laughed as she opened the door and glanced back with a smirk on her face. “Sweet dreams...”


	12. Friday Night Dinner - Chili Con Carne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit of fun/smut. Enjoy.

“Ow ow ow ow. Stop!” Gillian writhed beneath her in a wholly different way than normal.

“What?” Caroline stopped and pulled her fingers out of Gillian’s wet warmth. “What’s wrong. Are you okay?”

“Your fingers. What have you got on your fingers? It hurts. It stings.” Gillian crawled crab-like up her bed, holding her twat, clearly in some discomfort. She was relieved no one else was home or they’d have come barging in, responding to her cries.

Caroline was stunned, mortified that she might have hurt Gillian, trying to work out what the problem was, and then it clicked. “Chilies. I was cutting up chilies for the chili con carne.”

“Bloody hell Caz.”

“I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” She was horrified. “I did wash my hands...” she added defensively.

“Not bloody enough.”

“What can I get to sooth it? Would sour cream help?”

“Fuck Caz. Why don’t you add some lettuce and cheese and call it a fucking taco?!”

Caroline burst out in raucous laughter, crossing her legs like she was trying not to pee.

Gillian was having none of it. “Fuck you, you daft bint. My twat is on bloody fire, and not in a good way.” Grumbling, she got up and squirmed her way to the bathroom, hoping that water would at least cool the fire.

“I’m sorry, I really am. I had no idea. It’s never been a problem before.” Still chuckling, she followed Gillian into the bathroom.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know either. Never been a problem for me,” she grizzled, washing herself in the shower, relieved when it did sooth it a bit.

“Yoghurt. Would natural yoghurt work do you think?” Caroline asked hopefully, wanting to help in some way.

“You going to throw the whole bloody fridge at me now, is that it?”

Caroline was trying not to laugh. “No, of course not. Just wanting to help.”

“I think you’ve done enough for tonight,” Gillian bitched, grumpier at missing out on what was building to be a good orgasm than anything happening in her twat, thankful that now the source of irritation was gone, the discomfort was receding too. Gillian stepped out of the shower and was handed a fresh towel by Caroline. 

“I am really sorry. I had no idea.” 

Gillian dried herself slowly, watching Caroline, naked in the bright lights of the bathroom. While it wasn’t the over 40s lighting Caroline preferred, it was revealing the lovely shapes of Caroline’s voluptuous body. Long strong legs, round bum, plump stomach and spectacular breasts. She was strong, lush, delectable. It gave Gillian an idea.

Gillian looked into her lover’s eyes and saw surprise, then desire bloom in response to her own look of lust.

“Turn around and put your hands on the sink,” Gillian growled. Her twat was still itchy and she was still horny so she figured she may as well make the best of it.

Caroline swallowed, wondering what might be in store for her. She’d seen Gillian in moods like this, but this was the first time while they’d been naked. “Why?”

Gillian didn’t say anything, but she put her hands on her hips and her breasts jutted forward as she stood up taller, waiting.

Caroline slowly turned around, placed her hands by the sink and looked into the mirror to watch for Gillian’s next move.

Gillian came up behind her and leaned against her, putting her hands either side of Caroline’s on the bench. 

Caroline’s breath caught. This was different, she thought, not something we’ve done before. The delicious ache between her legs had started again. She pushed back into Gillian and bent forward a little more, her breasts starting to hang.

Gillian reached around and lifted them up, feeling the weight of them, running her thumbs over the nipples. Caroline closed her eyes and chewed her bottom lip unconsciously. 

“You can watch while I take you from behind.” 

Caroline’s eyes flew open. “Shit!” Not particularly comfortable with her body at the best of times, she had felt even less happy about it since she’d put on a bit of weight. The thought of watching herself naked was not one she relished. It felt a bit like penance, the price for putting Gillian in pain. Then she remembered all the pain that Gillian has put up with in the past, in every room including this one, and swallowed hard. She could do this, if it was the apology Gillian wanted. If this was what Gillian needed.

Gillian moved her hands over Caroline’s body, in prayer to the sumptuousness that was her lover’s form. She whispered in her ear, “I know this is uncomfortable for you, but I love your body. It’s very beautiful. You’re very beautiful.” She sucked an earlobe, handily just in front of her mouth, and then bit it gently, eliciting a sharp hiss from Caroline. “I love your shape. I love your breasts, your belly, your arse. I’m going to show you how much.”

Gillian slid her hands and lips and tongue over Caroline’s body, touching everything, sensitising all of her skin, while telling her exactly how each part of her body was beautiful. Caroline watched the look of reverence that Gillian wore, the sheer pleasure at the beauty of Caroline, every mountain and valley loved for what it was. Caroline was starting to see herself through Gillian’s eyes.

Gillian moved one hand down from Caroline’s belly to between her legs, not surprised to find that Caroline was very wet. Caroline gasped and spread her legs wider, letting Gillian in.

“Bend over a bit more so I can see you, watching me while I fuck you.” 

Caroline moaned, the throbbing between her legs nearly uncontrollable.

Gillian moved her hands over Caroline’s arse and down her thighs before reaching between her legs. She entered Caroline slowly, watching her mouth drop open as Gillian filled her and started to move. Caroline was bewitched, feeling every sensation in slow motion, watching Gillian’s face.

They watched each other, until Caroline mentally let go of all the detritus of her life and truly inhabited her glorious body. It was only then that Caroline understood that it wasn’t punishment, but a gift that Gillian had given her.


	13. Tuesday - The Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The anniversary of Kate's death, and the birth of Flora. Gillian helps Caroline through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Grief about Kate

It was the second anniversary of Kate’s death. It was also Flora’s second birthday. 

Caroline really wished the two were separated, even by a day, so that each day could be filled with the weight of its single milestone. Instead, the two were crushed into a solitary day, so jammed with emotion that getting through it was the conspicuous, overriding goal. 

When they first started seeing each other, Kate and Caroline spent a lot of time walking beside a creek not far from Kate’s place discussing Caroline’s disintegrating marriage to John. It was where Caroline really started to know Kate. It was where she first understood that Kate’s love of language and music was intertwined because at the heart of it was a love of sound. Kate’s appreciation of sound was broad enough to include the natural notes and rhythms of the water in the creek, the noises of the birds and insects, and the whispering of the wind through the trees. She would describe to Caroline how each of the sounds of life teeming at the edge of civilisation would complement the others, with the constant drone of the town heard as a distant, atmospheric base note.

In the first year after Kate died, it was here that Caroline had come to remember Kate. She had long conversations with Kate, telling her what was happening with Flora, aware there was more between heaven and earth than she knew about. She wasn’t sure if it was really some form of Kate, or a manifestation of Caroline’s subconscious, but the conversations helped and they were now part of Caroline’s connection to Kate, part of her memory of the being who had so fundamentally changed her life.

It was here, in a copse of trees that hugged the banks of Oak Beck Creek, that Caroline and Greg had planted Kate’s ashes, and the tree they thought of as Kate’s tree. 

On that first anniversary, burying Kate’s ashes and planting the tree was enough. Caroline’s grief was too overwhelming for words, and nothing was said between them other than the practicalities of getting the job done. The two had clung to each other and cried only after Caroline had finally relented to being hugged by Greg.

The second anniversary was different. It was a Tuesday, so Greg came up early from Manchester with Flora. William had wanted to be there and had arrived from Oxford before 10am, but Lawrence had exams soon and he stayed at school to study. At Caroline’s request, Celia and Alan remained at Caroline’s house to prepare for Flora’s birthday party in the afternoon, despite Celia’s huffing about wanting to join them. 

The weather was unseasonably warm for early spring and the sun was out, although it was hardly balmy with a temperature of 12ºC. The recent rains meant that the creek level was up, but it hadn’t flooded its banks and the grass in the valley was dry enough for a picnic. William spread out the thick rug and then played chasey with Flora, whose squeals of delight rang out shortly followed by William’s laughter whenever William got close. 

Caroline unpacked the picnic hamper while Greg did some weeding around the base of Kate’s tree. It would have been a solemn occasion, but for Flora’s natural exuberance. 

They ate Kate’s favourite sandwiches and drank her favourite champagne, aptly named Veuve or ‘widow’ Clicquot, while telling tales about Kate. William spoke of how kind Kate was and how she’d helped him with his English essays when he was struggling to deal with his dad. Greg talked about their time together in university, and how she’d kept them all sane when exams were on. They all chuckled when Caroline joked about Kate’s inability to do the laundry and the red-hot curries that would come out of her kitchen. But it was when Caroline spoke of the plans they had made together and for Flora that the tears started streaming down her face and her voice broke. Neither man wanted to risk her discomfort by initiating a hug, although both would have been happy to oblige had Caroline been so inclined. Instead, she got up and walked off to be alone with her grief. 

“I remember your smile in the mornings, Kate. It gave me joy that lasted the entire day. I remember your everyday kindnesses that helped me to get through a really difficult time with Mum and John and the boys when we started out. You gave me such strength Kate. God I miss you.” Caroline looked skyward and closed her eyes, the tears flowing freely for a few moments.

Kate popped into Caroline’s vision, walking beside her. It didn’t surprise Caroline, but it had been a while. “You know I never wanted to leave you, Caroline. I know it’s tough sometimes but never forget that you gave me just as much joy. Your strength was always there for me, for us, and it is there now for Flora.“

Caroline continued walking along the valley. “You really changed my life in so many ways. Thank you.” 

“You changed my life too. I was single and not very happy, with no child in sight even though that was my greatest wish. It wouldn’t have happened without you Caroline.”

Caroline stopped and turned to Kate, not quite sure how to say it. “I’ve started seeing Gillian. She’s not you, Kate, but she is very special, to me.”

Kate stopped too, facing Caroline. “Gillian loves you Caroline. She has for a while. And she loves Flora too. You’ll make a good pair, if you want to.”

Caroline looked at the vision of Kate, taking that in. “I think she’ll be good for me Kate, and yes, she adores Flora.”

She turned to watch the flow of the water in the creek, listening to the sounds of the valley. “Oh you’ll love this. Flora drew a picture of you this week. Apparently you have hair to your knees now,” Caroline chuckled. 

Kate smiled. “I’m very proud of you, Caroline. You and Flora are doing really well.”

Caroline turned to smile lovingly at Kate, but Kate was gone. Caroline stood there for a long time, gazing into the distance. Eventually, when the tears stopped, Caroline cleaned up her face as best she could and headed back to the others.

They reminisced about Kate for a little longer while Flora treated the adults like climbing equipment, clambering over their legs until the cold started to be too much and it was time to go home.

 

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Wednesdays were now Grandma’s day, when Caroline and Flora would Skype Ginika at 5 o’clock for time with Grandma. Often this would involve Flora playing on the thick rug while Caroline talked with Ginika about what was happening in their lives. Caroline had been too distraught to do this during Flora’s first year, but now that Flora was getting older, it made more sense to include Grandma in Flora’s life more regularly. It was a connection Caroline and Ginika both treasured.

Today was a special day, however, and they decided to Skype Grandma as soon as they got home. 

“It was lovely Ginika. Sad, but lovely. The sun was out and we had an early picnic lunch. We ate Kate’s favourite sandwiches and drank Veuve and told stories about her. I think we’ll do it every year from now on. You know you’re always welcome to join us, if your schedule permits.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. It’s the middle of semester here and it’s always awkward getting away. I’ve got my own bottle of Veuve for tonight. How is our darling Flora?”

“She’s well. Recovered from her cold, as you can tell by her running around today. We’re going to try to pop her down for a brief nap before her party at 3 o’clock, but we might be struggling with all the activity around here. A couple of her new friends from Bumble Bees are coming to celebrate with us, which will be fun.” Caroline’s face transformed into a slight grimace; children’s parties were never really her thing. “Greg will be in his element,” she said with a snort, inspiring a laugh from Ginika.

Flora crawled in front of the camera to wave at Ginika. “Hi Ganma.” She sat to watch the vision of Ginika grinning and waving to her.

“Hi Flora. I’ve been watching you play. You look happy.”

Caroline heard Gillian’s voice at the door as she arrived early with Calamity to help set up. 

“In here Gillian. We’re Skyping with Ginika.”

Caroline’s face lit up and her eye’s shone as she looked at someone off-screen, something Ginika had only seen in photos of Kate and Caroline during the few months before Flora’s birth. Ginika had wondered if something might have been going on from the way Caroline had been speaking about Gillian of late. She realised this was the first time she’d seen Caroline in love.

It shook Ginika a bit. She knew that it was only a matter of time before someone as smart and attractive as Caroline would catch someone’s eye, but she hadn’t picked that it would be Gillian until recently. She knew a bit about Gillian and guessed that she would be a good co-parent. That, after all, was the primary consideration for Ginika, as much as she wanted Caroline to be happy. It was never going to be easy being the grandparent of the child whose parent had died. 

“Gillian, you remember Ginika, Kate’s mum? We’ve been telling her about visiting Kate’s place down by the creek today.” She reached up to hold Gillian’s hand as Gillian moved to stand next to her. Gillian bent down and waved at the laptop camera. 

“Hi Ginika. Lovely to see you again, all those miles away.” 

Ginika smiled, “Hi Gillian. Good to see you too. How is Calamity these days?”’

“Growing like you would not believe. She’s really starting to like the sheep, so maybe she’ll be the farmer in the family.” Gillian turned to look down at Caroline. “Caz, I’ll help Dad and Celia in the kitchen. You stay here with Flora and Ginika. Bye Ginika.” She waved to Ginika and walked towards the kitchen, Caroline’s eyes following her every step until she disappeared through the door. 

Watching this, Ginika thought she might have to gently ask a question or two during tomorrow’s Skype session. “I can see you’re busy so I’m going to let you go Caroline, but thank you for calling me today; very special. I really like your new tradition to celebrate Kate’s life in the mornings, and Flora’s in the afternoons. I think that is an inspired way to handle it. Big hug from New York. Love to you both.”

“You too Ginika. I hope you do okay tonight. Call me if you need. Bye. Bye bye.” Caroline waved as the connection was cut. 

 

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Flora’s birthday party was a success, with the five children having fun playing and eating cake. Greg and Caroline had made sure that the rest of the food was fairly healthy, but Gillian had snuck in some contraband that found favour with the toddlers. She grinned wickedly when Caroline found out. “It’s a kid’s party, Caz. Sweets are what it’s all about. They can be healthy the rest of the year.”

By 5 o’clock the children were tired and the visiting parents had packed them up and abandoned the chaos. William was on the train back to Oxford, Alan and Celia had kindly taken Calamity back to Raff and Ellie’s, and Greg took Flora upstairs for a bath. He had taken on the unenviable task of putting the overtired toddler to bed. That left Caroline and Gillian to finish the last of the cleanup.

“Thank you for helping out today, Gillian. I really appreciate it.” 

Gillian’s grin was huge. “My pleasure Caz. I love birthday parties for kids when they’re young. They’re such fun.”

“Yes, well, thank you. It was much easier with you here.” Caroline stopped stacking the dishwasher for a moment. “It’s been a weird day. I’m glad we had the picnic for Kate, and we needed to celebrate Flora’s birthday, but it has been hard switching gears.” She started moving again, concentrating on the dishes as she stacked them.

Gillian wanted to support Caroline, but it was hard to know just how much help Caroline was willing to accept. Gillian thought she’d start simply. “Caroline, how about I knock up a simple meal or order a pizza or something. That way you don’t have to think about dinner.”

Caroline was having trouble deciding if she wanted anyone here or not. It had been such an emotional day that Caroline was completely out of sorts. She really wanted the night alone with Flora. No Greg or Lawrence, or Mum and Alan around like last time. She wanted the time alone to think about Kate, to talk with Kate. 

And yet, Caroline knew she functioned better when Gillian was around. How selfish could she be, asking Gillian to stay when her mind was entirely focused on Kate? 

“I don’t know Gillian. I’m having trouble making decisions right now. Not normally something I have trouble with, but today...”

Gillian went up to Caroline and stood in front of her. She tucked some of the blonde hair behind Caroline’s ear to keep it out of her eyes and continued to stroke her hair, brushing her fingers down the side of Caroline’s face tenderly. 

“I know you’re thinking about Kate. I know that today, all you’ll be thinking about is Kate. And that’s okay Caroline. That’s okay.” Gillian lifted Caroline’s chin so she could see her eyes. “I mean that. It’s okay for you to be thinking of her today, with me. If you want me here, I’d like to be here for you. If you’d like me to go, I’ll do that too. I won’t be offended. I know this is a tough day for you.”

Caroline stood still, looking at Gillian, taking it all in, thinking how thankful she was that Gillian understood and wasn’t asking anything of her. It was a long time before she moved, slowly bringing Gillian into a hug. In the end, selfishness won. “Please stay. I’m not going to be good company tonight, but I’d like you to stay.”

Gillian closed her eyes with relief. It was going to be hard. There’s no competing with a ghost, but at least Caroline wasn’t shutting her out.

“How about I order us some dinner and then at least that will be sorted.”

Caroline nodded. “Chicken curry tonight; Kate’s favourite.” 

Gillian smiled. “Okay. Chicken curry it is. Your menus still in the drawer by the phone?” she asked, already moving to the hall. 

“Yep. Get something vegetarian for Greg too, just in case he wants dinner before he heads off home. Thank you.”

Caroline finished loading the dishwasher and started the wash cycle. She set off up the stairs for Flora’s room to join in the nighttime routine. What she really wanted right now was to hug her daughter. 

 

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Gillian was really aware that she and Caroline effectively had the house to themselves for the night. Flora was asleep upstairs, but Alan and Celia were staying the night at Gillian’s.

Gillian sat in front of the fire, hugging the mug of tea in her hands. She turned her head to watch Caroline, who was communing with the dead again. She’d had that far off look all evening and their dinner had been mostly silent. Not that Gillian minded tonight. Silence was better than the never-ending prattling she used to get from Robbie.

Gillian poured Caroline another glass of the Burgundy. Caroline seemed to be intent on getting plastered tonight, a way to blot out the grief, presumably. Gillian didn’t know what was going on in Caroline’s head; Caroline wasn’t saying enough yet for that to be apparent. She did know that Caroline would only let herself go if she knew that someone was there to take care of Flora, so Gillian wanted to be clear headed for whatever Caroline and Flora needed tonight.

Suddenly Caroline spoke, interrupting the quiet of the night. “I’d never felt like that before, when I met Kate. It was strange when was younger. I felt like such a different person then. But with Kate, it was the first time I really wanted to be better. She made me want to be a better person. I tried, I really did. But I’m really not.” Caroline’s voice petered out, her thoughts bouncing around her head, leaving confusion in their wake. 

It was another five minutes before Caroline spoke again. “God I miss her. I miss her so much sometimes.” She was staring into the fire. “But sometimes I don’t think of her at all. And that’s even sadder. Like I’m moving on. That seems wrong to me. How do you do that? How do you just move on from someone like that?”

Gillian waited for the next outburst, sitting quietly beside Caroline, hoping she was a comforting presence at least. 

Caroline turned to her, a bit shaky in her movements until she looked her in the eye. “And then there’s you. You’ve had this shit life and Christ it’s been tough and yet here you are, strong and kind and looking after me.” 

Gillian didn’t know whether to speak, or to wait. She lifted her hand and started stroking Caroline’s hair, running her fingers through it ever so slowly, giving Caroline that calming touch that she knew worked so well.

“You sooth me, Gillian. You do. You just touch me and it feels like I can breathe again. I don’t know how you do that.”

Gillian kept tenderly running her fingers through Caroline’s hair. 

“How can I miss her still, and want you so much? All I have to do is see you...and I want you. How does that work? I don’t get it.” Caroline closed her eyes tight, as if trying to squeeze the thoughts out of her head.

Gillian thought it was time to call it a night. “Shall we put you to bed? Time for a rest, Caroline. It will all look better in the morning.” She got up and put the fireguard in front of the fire and turned off all the lights except those in the lounge room and the stairs. She stood in front of Caroline and held her hands out to help Caroline off the couch. She got a wobbly Caroline upstairs and onto the bed, carefully taking off most of her clothing, directing her into the bathroom before tucking her into bed. 

Gillian quickly checked on Flora, who was sleeping soundly. She found a bucket and placed it on the floor beside Caroline, just in case. She took off everything but a T-shirt and her knickers and got in beside Caroline. Turning off the bedside lamp, she pulled Caroline into her arms, holding her tightly, hoping to protect her from her nightmares. The alcohol had done its job though and Caroline passed out shortly after, safe for an hour or two from her torment.

Gillian had seen Caroline after Kate had died. She had seemed broken then too, but back then she was unable to hide the devastation. This time was different. This time Gillian was seeing behind the curtain. Gillian wondered if Caroline was going to be like this every year on the anniversary of Kate’s death, this intense mess of a day.

 

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Gillian woke when she felt a weight on her. Caroline had crawled on top of her and was running her hands all over Gillian’s body. Still obviously fairly drunk, her movements were sloppy and uncoordinated. Gillian reached for the bedside lamp, snapping it on to see Caroline, her face wet with tears, looking directly at her. 

“What’s going on, Caz?”

“I need you. I can’t do this alone. I feel guilty for being alive when Kate is dead. I feel like I’m being sucked into a whirlpool of grief again and I...” Caroline rested her head heavily on Gillian’s chest. There was desperation in her voice, “I need to feel alive. I feel like I’m being dragged into the darkness.”

Gillian finally understood. She understood all too well. Too many emotions. Caroline was exploding with them, desperate for distraction, desperate for solace. She pushed Caroline off her and efficiently took off Caroline’s bra and panties, and her own T-shirt and knickers. She rolled on top of Caroline, pushing her thigh between Caroline’s legs and started to kiss her hard. It was sloppy work, but effective. Caroline moaned and arched into her, pulling Gillian’s hips firmly into her own. They started rocking, a rhythm that sped up until they were both gasping for air and slick with sweat.

Caroline dug her fingernails sharply into Gillian’s back and cried out, “Fuck me. Fuck me now. Make it go away!” She was out of her mind and begging for escape.

Gillian lifted up her hips, moved her hand down to between Caroline’s legs and entered her hard. Caroline lifted her hips off the bed and hissed, “Yes. God yes.” Gillian knew Caroline would come fast, and she did. 

When Caroline’s body finally relaxed and her breathing returned to normal, Gillian, resting her weight on her elbows, took Caroline’s head in her hands and gently, ever so gently, kissed her on the lips. She rolled off Caroline who followed her body in the bed. Caroline curled tightly into Gillian, her head under Gillian’s chin. “Don’t leave me. I couldn’t bear it.”

Gillian held Caroline, lovingly stroking her hair. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere my love.” Gillian felt her heart expand with the love she had for this damaged woman. In her grief, Caroline had finally let her in, and Gillian could see the depths of pain and love that Caroline was swimming in.

The tears slowly fell, gravity pulling them down the landscapes of their intertwined bodies. Caroline lost in her grief, finally set the day’s emotions free. Gillian held her, allowing Caroline the protection of her body and the gift of her soul. 

It was some time before Caroline closed her eyes to sleep, safe in Gillian’s arms until morning.


	14. Friday Night Dinner - A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After three months, Caroline and Gillian discuss the changing form of their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief discussion of homophobic violence

Gillian lay sprawled across Caroline’s legs, her head resting on Caroline’s belly. Caroline wistfully played with Gillian’s hair, enjoying the simple texture of it while her head remained empty of thoughts in post-orgasm bliss.

Gillian was slowly doodling on Caroline’s thigh with her fingers, joining the dots of Caroline’s freckles. It led her to think of other patterns she’d noticed with Caroline, who had become more affectionate of late. Gillian could see she was becoming more comfortable in her own skin, like she was settling into her new job, new home and new, what was she, girlfriend? They’d never actually discussed their relationship after it changed form three months ago, into whatever it now was. Caroline had seemed so clear about them not being anything other than friends with benefits at the start that she was a bit nervous about raising it in case Caroline wanted to stop. She knew she loved Caroline in a deeper way than she had any of the blokes she’d been with. Even Eddie hadn’t been love, but more of a mad obsession, a chemical imbalance in her system that played out like an intermittently explosive leak on an offshore oil rig.

Caroline was different. Gillian could feel there was a depth to their connection, an understanding that was more primal than just the sexual chemistry that enticed her to touch Caroline whenever she was close. Caroline knew all of her secrets, knew she’d murdered Eddie, and still Caroline was here, naked and vulnerable in her bed. She’d never felt understood before, like she could really be herself without the fear of judgement, without needing to change to please someone else. It was the most substantial feeling, knowing that someone liked you for who you really were. Gillian felt stronger and better able to cope with life’s miseries while Caroline was in her corner. Perhaps it was time for a chat about their relationship, even if she had no idea how to go about it.

Gillian glanced across the sea of sheets to the clock marooned on her bedside table. It was just gone six, so they’d embarked in the topographical exploration of each other’s bodies for nearly two hours. A great start to the evening, she decided, as her stomach rumbled its readiness for the next meal. 

Caroline’s hand stopped moving through Gillian’s hair as she slowly awoke from her euphoric oblivion. “Are you hungry? Do we need to feed you?”

“Probably. In a minute. How are you?”

“In heaven I think.” Or an approximation of heaven, with cheap sheets and obligations, she thought. There wasn’t anywhere else she’d rather be, or anyone she’d rather be with. She loved her boys and Flora, but this was something else. This was something for her and she was finding herself relying more and more on Gillian for comfort and advice as well as sex. This Friday night dinner and shag routine had turned into something much more complex and much more satisfying. 

Something had shifted for Caroline a few weeks earlier, when Gillian stayed with her to help her get through The Anniversary. A day flooded with emotion, somehow Caroline had let something go and she’d felt lighter ever since. It wasn’t that she loved Kate any less, but that Kate felt less present with her as she went about her day. She was remembering the happy times more and was less overwhelmed by the sadness of it all. She wasn’t sure if it was simply the passage of time, or Gillian, or both, but something had shifted and Caroline felt less melancholy and less burdened. She’d even found she’d been wearing a quiet smile throughout the day of late, which was new. She wore it now, as she lifted her head to look at Gillian.

“Should we get up and get you fed, oh farmer who’s been working in the fields all day?”

“Yeah, probably a good idea, Caz. Spaghetti Bolognese and a salad okay with you?”

“Sure. Let’s do it.”

 

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Caroline and Gillian snuggled on the couch in the lounge room after dinner. Absentmindedly watching the images flicker on the Tele, Caroline was more interested in the taste of the full-bodied red in her mouth before she swallowed it.

Gillian was lazily playing with Caroline’s other hand while they discussed the week. “So it’s been busy, with the lambing an’ all. Thank heavens none were close when I went ‘round ‘em this aft’.” She pulled in Caroline’s hand to gently kiss the fresh scar and bruise becoming more colourful by the day. “So tell me what happened?”

Caroline sighed. “One of the students was beaten up for being queer and I dodged a stapler from one of the little pricks. As a result, I am going to have to do more to support the LGBTIQ students at school.” She had been thinking about the last few days and had come to the conclusion that she needed to be publicly visible as a lesbian at the school. She wasn’t looking forward to stepping into that role again, but she could see no other viable option.

“What are you going to do?”

“We’re going to start an LGBTIQ club for the school. I’ve talked about it with some of the other teachers and there’s a lot of support, even amongst the fairly conservative teachers. This incident has really highlighted the need for the anti-bullying program and for more active support for the queer students.”

Caroline looked at Gillian. “I’m going to have to come out at school.” She sighed again, feeling the weight of history from Sulgrave Heath descending on her shoulders. “It’s been lovely not being the ‘Lesbian Head Teacher’ and just being the ‘Head Teacher’ for a while. Some teachers know, but no one has said anything and it isn’t known amongst the students, I gather.” Caroline chuckled. “Sheryl is very handy to have onside; she hears all the gossip, from the staff and the students - I just have to be careful not to say anything worth hearing by the others,” she grinned slyly.

Gillian knew how hard it was for Caroline to come out of the closet officially again. She knew Caroline still had a lot of fear to overcome, so coming out and challenging heteronormative assumptions was always going to be hard for her. Caroline may not have the strength to come out of the closet for herself, but to protect her students, she’d do so in a heartbeat. It was very Caroline. This strength was evident in a lot of things Caroline did and it was one of the many reasons Gillian loved her.

Gillian kissed Caroline’s hand. “You’ll be great. It’ll make such a difference to the students knowing they have support all the way up the tree.”

Caroline nodded. “I know. I gave a speech about it in assembly yesterday, but we’ll need to set up the LGBTIQ club as soon as we can. We’ve put posters around the school, but some little shit is taking them down. I’ve said that anyone found taking them down or defacing them gets an automatic detention. Zero bloody tolerance as far as I’m concerned.” She took a large gulp of wine and breathed out slowly, the steel in her gaze softening as she did. 

Caroline continued, “I did want to tell you because by next week it will become better known around here that I’m a lesbian, and you may be tagged with ‘guilt by association’ when we go out together.”

Gillian sniggered. “Well, we are shagging, so yeah. Call me guilty as fuck!” 

Caroline snorted, “I guess we could call it that, considering you were seeing if your tongue could reach my ovaries this afternoon.” 

“Bitch!” Gillian squealed and pounced on Caroline, going for her ticklish ribcage with a vengeance. “Ha! Gotcha, you mongrel twat.”

Caroline was doubled-over laughing, trying unsuccessfully to defend herself from Gillian’s faster fingers. It was only when she could no longer breathe and she managed to squeak out, “Truce!” that Gillian stopped the tickling. They lay there for a moment laughing, recovering their breath.

Gillian moved up Caroline’s body, her weight on her arms, as she lowered herself to kiss Caroline sweetly.

“I love you Caroline. I’m so proud of you. They are so lucky to have you as Head Teacher.” 

Caroline froze for a moment, and then softened into Gillian. She raised her hand to stroke Gillian’s face and then tenderly kissed her. The kiss deepened, but it was affectionate rather than desperate for connection. 

Gillian lifted herself off Caroline and sat up on the couch, raising her glass for a sip of wine. She looked sideways at Caroline. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Ignore it if you like.” She looked into the fire and tried not to look hurt. She was kicking herself for letting it slip out. She had been trying not to scare Caroline off, suspecting that Caroline was still catching up to where Gillian was in the relationship.

Gillian sighed, thinking that at least she didn’t have to hide the fact that she loved Caroline any more.

Caroline sat up and took hold of Gillian’s hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was a surprise, that’s all.” She raised Gillian’s hand to kiss it gently.

Caroline knew she needed to say something to Gillian. She needed to explain. It wasn’t as simple as saying ‘I love you’. This was one of those times Caroline was grateful she’d started seeing a counsellor to help her sort through her feelings. She really was trying to be more honest about how she felt. She closed her eyes, trying to find the words in her head. When she had something close, she gently turned Gillian’s chin so that she could see into Gillian’s eyes. 

“I’ve loved seeing you every week for the last year or so. I remember when we first met and how difficult it was. I had you completely wrong and I’m sorry for that. It was my loss entirely.” She tilted her head, and a small smile crept upon her lips. “You really are a mad cow sometimes, but you are MY mad cow. You drive me batty sometimes, but I love that you dare to drive me batty. You dare me to be honest in a way that no one else will. You challenge me in a way that no one else will. You keep my secrets, and I know you’ll keep them to the grave. I love that you’re not perfect because it means that I don’t have to be perfect. I love all the bits of you, even the chaos that sometimes surrounds you. I love that you cope with the chaos that sometimes surrounds me. I love that I don’t have to hide from you. I love that you let me be me. It is profoundly shocking to me, to find someone who will do that. I still don’t really understand it, but I love that it is you who will do it. I love that you are so different to me and yet we get on so well. I love your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your strength and your passion.”

“It is really complex, and really simple.” Caroline took Gillian’s face in her hands and kissed her. “I love you Gillian.”

Gillian was simply overwhelmed. Caroline had finally felt safe enough to find the words for them both. There were no words she could find to describe how she felt, so Gillian said it with her body. She kissed Caroline so lovingly that there could be no mistaking the emotion behind it. She then quietly got up and held her hand out to Caroline, looking at her with such devotion that Caroline couldn’t breath for a moment.

Caroline stood up, took Gillian’s hand and followed her up the stairs to the bedroom. 

Once the door was shut behind them, the women took their time undressing one another, appreciating the small details, the soft sighs and goose bumps and uneven breathing. Gillian led Caroline to the edge of the bed and their touches became more heated. Caroline fell onto the bed after a slight nudge from Gillian, her arms extending as she pulled herself up the bed, legs spreading to allow room for Gillian. Gillian crawled on top of her so their bodies were flush and flushed with arousal. 

This was different for Gillian, gentler than she’d had for so long that she almost couldn’t recognise it. It was no longer sex as escape. It was sex stripped bare of performance. It was sex as connection. For the first time that Gillian could remember, she was making love. It was wholly terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. And when she came, it wasn’t escape, but communion that she sought. 

They napped for a short while, tangled in each other’s bodies, unable to separate even for a moment this time. It was Caroline who woke first, aware that her curfew was approaching. She was going to have to do something about that, as inconvenient as it would be to make their relationship known. It really had got to that stage; telling people was the next step. 

Caroline did think it meant that they could have more time together and there were great benefits to that. She sighed happily, thinking of how lovely it would be to wake up next to Gillian in the mornings. She snuggled into Gillian, the smile on her face growing.

Gillian snorted herself awake, startling Caroline into laughter. “What’s...are you okay?”

Gillian lay there, a bit bamboozled, blinking. She turned to look at Caroline, “I were having this mad dream that we were on a cruise and it were this never ending party and we kept sneaking off to have sex. I’ve no idea why I dreamt that. What’s that about?”

“At a guess, it means that we’ve been sneaking off to have sex.” Caroline had a sly grin on her face. “Just guessing.”

“Well, sure, I got that bit.” Gillian looked at her like she was being obvious. “But why a cruise? Never been on one and never wanted to go. I’m totally confused by that.”

“Can’t help you there Gillian. I’m a scientist and educator, not a Jungian therapist.”

They lay there quietly for a while, contemplating science and Jung and therapy, lost in the rabbit warrens of their respective psyches. One of those rabbit warrens led Gillian to the topic that had been hounding her for days. 

“Caroline, do you want to meet more often? I mean, once a week is fine, but I’d like to see you more often than that. Could we do that, do you think?”

Caroline was thoughtful for a while. “That would be wonderful, wouldn’t it? I was thinking how lovely it was to wake up with you.” She nuzzled into Gillian’s neck. “There would be other benefits too, I’m hoping.”

Gillian smirked. “That would be nice.” She paused, thinking of the next step. “You know, we’re going to need to tell our parents soon.” 

Caroline closed her eyes, shielding herself from the thought of impending disaster, knowing very well that avoiding it wouldn’t save her. “Oh god. I know. How the hell are we going to do it? Tell your dad first and hope he tells Mum? We could leave the country while she blows up. I’m going for that option.”

“Coward.”

“Yep.”

“And if we’re telling people, what do we call ourselves? Girlfriends? Partners? Lovers?” Gillian paused, the grin growing on her face. “Fuck buddies?”

Caroline snorted. “I’m going for muff-munching root rats, myself.”

Gillian hooted. “Middle-aged shag-hounds?” 

Caroline screeched with laughter. “Exothermic menopausal minge munchers.”

“What the hell Caroline?” Gillian cackled, “How about Bean-flicking bitches?”

“Fanny fiends?”

“Cracking cunts?”

“Ha! Co-dependent cunts more like.”

They both rolled around the bed laughing, finding it hard to breath, delighted by the sheer joy of coming up with ever more outrageous names for their partnership. They eventually found their way back into each other’s arms, content to have found a safe place to land, at least until Caroline’s curfew.


	15. Monday - The Tempest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Celia and Alan catch them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobic parent

The storm was coming, so the weather forecasters said. The children scurried from their classrooms, let out early to help get them home safely. Strong winds and torrential downpours were anticipated, with lightning and thunder expected to finish off mother nature’s wrathful exhibition.

Celia and Alan had decided to stay in Harrogate with friends rather than brave the trip home. It was a Monday so Flora was snuggled up with Greg in his solid home and she had to trust that the boys were old enough to look after themselves on a night like this. This left Caroline rattling around in her old house, hunting for candles as soon as she got home in case the electricity blew.

Gillian had moved the sheep to higher ground and Raff, Ellie and Calamity had come home to help her with the farm for a few days. When Caroline had called to say she had the house to herself for the night, it seemed too good an opportunity for Gillian to waste. They’d only had four full nights together in the last three months, so Gillian asked Caroline to come and pick her up.

The last of the light was fleeing the advancing storm and the broody skies were darker than the land by the time Caroline pulled into Gillian’s courtyard. She could see Gillian marching out the door, pulling her coat over her shoulders as she moved towards the Jeep. Caroline got out and met her, sliding her arms around Gillian and pulling her in for a long kiss. Neither noticed the two pairs of eyes peeking from behind the curtains in the farmhouse.

“Hi.”

“Hiya.”

“So tell me, I’m happy to pick you up, but why are you not taking your precious Land Rover?”

“Raff and Ellie will look after things here, and they’ll need the Landy if anything happens. It’s safer if I leave it.”

“Oh. I see.” Caroline nodded to the Jeep with a smile. “Hop in. Let’s get home before the weather breaks.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Alan carefully drove the Lexus into Caroline’s yard and parked next to her Jeep. Relieved to be home, he turned to Celia, “We’re home love. Let’s get you and that migraine to bed and you’ll be right as rain in the morning.”

“Yes, love. That’s a wonderful idea.” Celia sighed tiredly, glad to be home, looking forward to taking her migraine tablets to sooth her pounding head. “Let’s leave the bags in the car. We can collect them tomorrow when it’s dry.” She looked over at the house. “Why are there no lights on? Caroline’s car is here and it isn’t late.”

“P’raps power’s out again. It can happen up here during storms.” Alan got out of the car and opened the umbrella, walking to Celia’s door to escort her inside as dryly as possible. They shook themselves off as they entered, their call to Caroline obliterated by the thunder. They could see a dim flickering light in the direction of the kitchen so headed that way, following a trail of candles.

Caroline sat on the edge of the kitchen table. Her skirt had ridden up revealing long legs that wound around Gillian’s like vines on a tree. Her shirt and bra dangled from one arm as she lent back, arching into Gillian. Her breast was in Gillian’s mouth and Gillian’s hands were sliding up her body. Caroline threw her head back, eyes closed and mouth open, blonde hair lit red-hot by the candlelight.

Celia and Alan stared at the erotic scene before them, mouths open in shock, taking it all in. In the second or two it took for them to process it, a moan issued from Caroline, followed by, “Oh god, Gillian.”

“Caroline!” Celia’s yell landed on them like a bucket of cold water.

“Oh Gillian, how could you?” Alan’s voice of dismay didn’t even register during the frenzy that followed.

Gillian launched herself at Caroline, wrapping her body around Caroline while they scrabbled for the shirt still draped around one arm. A few moments later, using her body to block their parent’s view while Caroline resurrected her clothing, Gillian turned to face the onslaught, embarrassed but with comparative calm, protective of the currently more vulnerable Caroline.

“Hiya Dad. Hi Celia. Unexpected surprise.”

“What’s going on here? Are you...are you two...” Celia couldn’t articulate the thoughts in her head. She hadn’t even noticed that the pain in her head had been temporarily annihilated by the bombshell.

“But you’re...family!” Alan floundered, tongue stumbling over the words. He looked at Gillian, shock written clearly on his face. “And you’re not a lesbian...are you?”

Gillian felt they had been so comprehensively sprung that the truth was unavoidable at this point. “As it turns out, I’m bi. Have been for about 30 years, Dad. Didn’t tell anyone. Didn’t feel the need, to be honest.” Gillian tilted her head and said more kindly, “And we’re not actually related. You know that, Dad.”

Alan stared at his daughter, completely lost in a swamp of incomprehension. She was an alien from another planet, so very different from him and Eileen.

“Are you okay?” Gillian was more than a little concerned about her father and his heart condition.

Alan’s brain was still trying to catch up. “I think I’m okay, love. Just a bit of a shock, is all.” He gave her a strained smile, a million miles from any sort of equilibrium.

Celia had recovered somewhat and had found her voice.

“That is disgusting, Caroline. How could you...” Celia pointed at Gillian, “with her?”

“Stop it Mum. Just stop it.” Caroline was mortified to be caught in such a compromising position, but she needed her mum to stop being so horrible.

Caroline finished doing up the last of her buttons on her shirt and then she turned around. “Look, I’m sorry you saw us tonight, but we weren’t expecting you home. It’s not like we planned this, but it happened. It’s as simple as that.” Caroline moved to stand next to Gillian, who took her hand. Gillian and Caroline looked at each other, knowing they were stronger together in this.

“Oh Caroline,” Celia whined. “On the table? I never want to eat in here again.”

Gillian burst out laughing. She tried not to, but she couldn’t hold it in.

Caroline looked at Gillian with astonishment, before she too doubled over laughing. Like Gillian, all she could think of was the number of times they’d actually fucked on that good and sturdy table, all the times they’d screwed in the kitchen at Gillian’s or on the couches in the lounge, shagged in the bathroom and even in the Jeep. Caroline was fairly surprised at that last one, as she thought she was too old to start shagging in cars, but Gillian, the oh so experienced shagmistress, showed her a way for their middle-aged selves to fuck in the cramped quarters. Truth be told, they had sex pretty much anywhere they started snogging and groping one another, because they rarely could organise themselves into a bedroom before they got too heated to want to move.

Celia was most unimpressed by the two women screeching with laughter in front of her. To not be taken seriously was the highest insult she could think of and she was getting very stroppy.

Celia crossed her arms in front of her. “Its not on Caroline.”

Caroline eventually recovered. “Sorry. Sorry mum.” She smirked, trying to hide it. “It’s just a table. It can be cleaned.”

“Well I know that, but I’ll never...unsee...that,” she said, pointing at the table. Celia was still horrified by the vision of the two of them at it. It was one thing imagining it, those lesbian shenanigans, but seeing her own daughter in such fine lusty form was much more confronting.

Caroline sighed, knowing the real issue was her queerness. “Mum, we didn’t mean you to see us. The point is, Gillian and I are lovers,” she chose the term deliberately, “and we intend to continue to be lovers.” She looked fondly at Gillian. “I love her. And she loves me,” Caroline broke out in to a big smile, “as unbelievable as that is.”

The act of looking at one another while speaking of love narrowed their vision to the two of them, and it seemed inevitable that Gillian and Caroline would slowly lean towards one another and kiss tenderly. Not a conscious choice by either of them, but it had the effect of inflaming the situation.

Neither of them noticed Celia huffing her distaste. It was the first time she’d seen Caroline kiss a woman up close. Caroline had never kissed Kate in front of her and had always been very circumspect about any public displays of affection with Kate. Celia couldn’t remember Caroline ever kissing John like that either. Despite Celia’s discomfort, she could see, perhaps for the first time, just how much Caroline had changed. It didn’t lessen how hurt Celia felt though. It was as if she took Caroline’s lesbianism as a reflection on herself; a slur on her parenting and genes.

Alan, thankfully, was already recovering. His color was returning and a small smile was starting to form on his face. After the initial shock, all he could think about was that his daughter had found Caroline, someone he genuinely liked and admired. He wanted to be happy about it, even if he wasn’t really, yet.

“Well, I’m a bit shocked, but if it makes you both happy,” he started, before being interrupted by Celia.

Celia glanced at Alan, and thought she’d have another crack at bringing Caroline back into the conventional fold. “Caroline, this isn’t really you. Kate was an aberration, and so is Gillian.”

Caroline sighed. It was an old argument and she was tired of it. “I am a lesbian. I like sleeping with other women. This isn’t new, so try to get it, Mum.”

Then Celia had the brilliant idea that she could blame it on Gillian and hopefully blow up the relationship. Looking Caroline in the eye, she stated with disdain, “You know Gillian will get sick of you and start...mucking about. She always does.” She could barely keep the sneer out of her voice.

Alan was stunned. His jaw dropped open and he stared at Celia.

Caroline clenched her jaw and defaulted to waspish anger. Caroline had put up with the sniping about Kate from her mum, and after Kate died, about Caroline finding a man. It was one thing to put up with it when she was the only one affected, she thought; old habits die hard. But this time it was going to affect Gillian, and Gillian had been through enough shit in her life. Caroline wasn’t going to add to it, not if she could help it.

She stepped forward, to push home her point. “Anything that happens between Gillian and me is our business, not yours. So don’t be a sour old a bitch. You were foul to Kate and I won’t have you doing the same to Gillian.”

“Caroline!” Celia was genuinely shocked at the vicious response from her Caroline.

Gillian had bristled. She had a past, no mistake, but Celia had been bloody rude. “Celia, that’s between me and Caz. I can tell you, it isn’t going to happen. Not this time.” Gillian decided to go for the gold. “She’s far too good in bed for me to bother muckin’ about with blokes.” She paused for effect. “She’s brilliant at fucking.” It stopped the argument, as she knew it would.

They all turned to Gillian, gawping in shock. Then they turned to Caroline, who had turned beet-red.

“Gillian!”

“Sorry Caz, but its true. You are. So I’m not going to be playing away when I have you to come home to.” Caroline just stared at her gobsmacked. She realised her mouth was hanging open, so shut it, but that was as much as her brain managed.

Gillian squeezed Caroline’s hand. She turned to her dad and Celia. “Sorry about that, but I really wanted to be clear about it. Me and Caz are a couple, and I can’t see that changing. So you’re going to have to be nice to us, Celia. It isn’t going to work if you’re not.”

Gillian lifted Caroline’s hand to her mouth and kissed it softly. “How about we go upstairs, leave these two to have a chat?” Caroline was still silent, still mortified, still trying to work out how to manage the fallout from Gillian’s latest verbal explosion.

“Dad, I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow. Celia, I hope you have a good night.” Gillian tugged Caroline’s hand and it pulled her out of stasis. Caroline sprung into motion. “‘Night Mum, ‘night Alan. See you both in the morning.” After all that, there really wasn’t anything else she could say.

Alan’s head was still spinning. Looking at Gillian, he offered a brief smile and added; “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Celia stood immovable, dumbfounded, horrified.

As they left the room Gillian grabbed a bottle of red from the wine rack near the door and Caroline picked up a candle, giving them enough light to see the stairs. It felt symbolic somehow, that this would happen in the near dark. They made their way to Caroline’s bedroom and when they shut the door quietly behind them, the world beyond became temporarily irrelevant.

As soon as she was in the door, Caroline turned on Gillian. “What the hell were you thinking!?”

Gillian was a bit taken aback by the response. She thought it had worked a treat; it stopped the argument flat, and it was very complimentary. She’d been called a ‘good shag’ in the past and thought it a handy and accurate description.

“Oh, come on Caz. It were only a bit of fun. It stopped the argument, didn’t it?”

“Couldn’t you have found another way to do it other than mentioning...that?” Caroline hated herself for starting to blush again. She looked skywards, willing her body to settle.

Gillian stood there, hand on Caroline’s arm, waiting.

After a minute or so, Caroline sighed heavily. “I’ll never live it down, will I?”

“Nope.” Gillian smirked, trying not to laugh.

“Fuck.”

“Yep.”

“Bitch.”

“Yep.”

They both burst out laughing.

Gillian put the bottle on the dressing table. “Caz, your mum. What is she like? It’s the bloody table she took exception to, not us nearly shagging in front of her...hilarious! And it’s not like we’ve haven’t shagged in nearly every room in the house.”

Caroline laughed, enveloping Gillian in strong arms. “I know. That’s all I could think about when she mentioned it. Then I thought of all the other places we’ve yet to try. Top of the washing machine comes to mind; the spin cycle could be fun,” she snorted.

“Ha! How about the Landy? Or in the garden? The bathroom here? Haven’t christened that yet,” she added with glee.

“Endless shagging possibilities then. I look forward to it.” Caroline’s smirk could be heard in her voice.

They held one another for a good while, gentle smiles eventually settling on their faces.

“Is it wine o’clock yet?” Caroline asked quietly.

“Good plan 99.” They separated and Gillian used the corkscrew on her pocketknife to open the bottle of red while Caroline rinsed a glass from the en suite. Sharing the glass, they sat next to each other on the edge of the bed, happy to be in close proximity to one another.

“I reckon we should be loud, tonight. Show them we mean business.”

Caroline looked stunned. The thought that they would actually plan to have sex while her mum might be in a room two doors down horrified her. “I don’t think I can...I mean...really?” It was the first time she’d been faced with the practicalities of bringing someone home when her mum lived inside her house, rather than in a flat out the back. And after being sprung in the kitchen earlier, it was all a bit too close. Another 10 minutes and Gillian might have been up to her wrist in Caroline. Now that would have given Alan a heart attack.

“Yeah Caz. Nothing says ‘Fuck you’ like fucking.” She laughed, the glint of rebellion shining in her eyes. “Time to pony up, darlin’,” was delivered with her best Jimmy Cagney accent.

Caroline just looked at her. “Wow. I’m not sure I can.” She grimaced. “She’d be in my thoughts and...” Caroline looked at the ground, a little flustered. She hated to admit it; “if nothing else works I think of Mum when I want to cool down if...if... when I’m in public.” Even in the candlelight, Gillian could see the pink of Caroline’s embarrassment.

“Ha! Really? That’s genius.” Laughing raucously, Gillian nearly rolled off the edge of the bed and it was only Caroline grabbing her jumper that stopped her. “So if I want to slow you down, I can put the image of your mum into your head?”

Caroline shivered with horror. “Do that and you’ll get no sex at all, old girl. Don’t you think I have enough to talk about with the counsellor without adding some sort of parental kink into the mix?”

Gillian was jiggling with glee. “Oh go on, it could be a hoot!”

“I’ll start speaking about your dad, just before you come...” She looked suddenly at the door, “Hi Alan!”

Gillian snapped her head to the door, only seeing the inside of the bedroom. She glared at Caroline in horror. “Oh, you wouldn’t.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Caroline looked at her with her best haughty Head Teacher attitude.

“Twat.” Gillian chuckled. Caroline would, the mad cow. Gillian relented. “Okay. Fair call. No parents of any description during sex.”

Caroline sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

They downed the wine, sharing horror stories about their parents, like when Gillian was sprung having sex at school and having to confess it to her mum, and when she was sprung with one of her regular shags in the back seat of a car by a friend of her dad’s a few years ago. The more stories that came out, the more obvious it was that Caroline wasn’t sharing anything.

Gillian nudged her. “Nothing to share, Caz?”

“No, not really. Very boring at this end I’m afraid. John and I...it was basically limited to the bedroom even before the boys were born.”

“What about Kate?” Gillian hesitated to mention Kate, but it seemed the right time.

“No, we were fairly cautious. Well, I was. Kate was more adventurous.” Caroline thought back to those days, and how far she’d come in accepting herself. It made such a difference.

“You’re a very bad influence on me, Gillian. I simply can’t resist you.” Caroline kissed Gillian’s cheek softly.

It wasn’t long before their proximity to one another and the need to touch took over. The tender caresses and kisses deepened into something more passionate, more desperate. The night to themselves, they came together in the candlelight. Bonded by the heat of battle, their lovemaking had elements of mutiny in it, daring their parents to deny who they were and what they were doing. There were times when their cries and moans and laughter could be heard through the old house during the lulls in the rain, rattling both Celia and Matthew Normanton’s ghost. When Caroline and Gillian at last wore themselves out, they slept, bodies strewn about the bed like debris after the storm.


	16. Tuesday - Fallout

It was still early when Caroline and Gillian walked into the kitchen. There was a tense anticipation of more stormy weather from their parents that followed them into the space even though the storm outside had dispersed by daylight. They settled into an effective routine, getting the coffee and breakfast and working out their plans for the day; school for Caroline and assessing the storm damage for Gillian.

They were in the process of cleaning up when Celia appeared. As soon as Celia’s cold energy entered the room, Gillian could see the barrier of control descend upon Caroline.

“Hello Mum.” Caroline continued wiping down the bench, not looking at her mother.

“Good morning Caroline. Sleep all right?” Celia asked sharply, knowing the answer.

“We slept well,” Caroline paused in her cleaning and looked up with a raised eyebrow, “Eventually.”

Celia looked liked she’d sucked on a lemon.

“Right. Well, Alan and me thought we might start looking for a place of our own.” Celia looked directly at Caroline, watching for her response.

“I think that’s a great idea. You’ll be much more comfortable in your own home.” Caroline watched her mum, knowing there was a telling vacancy where she would have previously added, ‘but you’re always welcome here’.

“Right. We’ll get on with it then.”

“Good.”

There was another obvious absence in the conversation. Celia had yet to acknowledge that Gillian was in the room, let alone apologise. Caroline looked at Gillian, who was watching the events unfold like a BBC drama. Aware that she’d been deliberately ignored, Gillian moved to stand next to Caroline, who put an arm around Gillian’s waist, protectively.

Caroline smiled at Gillian, landing a soft kiss on her temple. She turned back to her mum expectantly, raising her eyebrow.

Celia grumbled. “I’m sorry Gillian.”

“Thank you Celia. I know it was a shock.” Gillian gave Celia a free pass on her rudeness, but it would only happen once.

Caroline could see that her mum wasn’t making that much of an effort with this, so she moved to the cupboards, getting out a bowl and the cereal that Celia liked. She poured some of the flakes into the bowl and placed it on the table, precisely where her bum had been the night before. Celia watched this with growing alarm. Caroline moved to the drawer, pulled out a spoon, grabbed a bottle of milk and placed them next to the bowl, arranging them to perfection.

“I cleaned the table this morning, so you should be good to go. Your breakfast is served, Mum.”

Celia could see this was a setup. Caroline was leaning on the bench, hand on her hip, slight smirk playing on her lips, waiting for a response from her mum.

“Disinfected was it?” Celia couldn’t help herself.

Caroline scoffed. “For heaven’s sake, Mum. I do wash.”

Gillian was having trouble holding in her laugher, before it broke out. She grabbed Caroline’s arm.

“It’s those lesbian spores...” Gillian was cackling now.

Caroline snorted. “Damn, those lesbian spores...”

“I know. They get everywhere. It’s like an epidemic.”

They both laughed riotously, Caroline crossing her legs, wishing she’d remember to do more pelvic floor exercises.

Celia huffed again. “Well you can both stop doing that. I know you’re taking the...piss.”

“Oh, Mum. Your face was priceless. Sorry.”

Celia moved her bowl and spoon further along the table and sat down. Gillian looked at Caroline and they both started cackling with laughter again, knowing that was where Gillian had shagged Caroline not long ago. Celia had no idea what had set them off again, and they weren’t daft enough to tell her.

Still chuckling, Caroline took Gillian’s hand and walked to her Mum, kissing her on the cheek.

“Okay. We’re off. Flora and I will be staying with Gillian for a few days, so you’ll have this place to yourselves for a bit and you can work out what you want to do.” Caroline looked at her mum. “I’ve asked Greg to drop Flora off at Gillian’s this afternoon. I expect you two will be busy house hunting for a few days at least.”

“Right.” Celia bit down on the word.

“You know where to find us if you want to talk. I hope you have a good day. Bye Mum.”

“Bye Celia.”

“Bye.”

Caroline and Gillian left the kitchen, picking up suitcases for Caroline and Flora in the hallway on their way to the car.

Celia sighed heavily. She looked at her cereal like the milk was sour. She’d never seen Caroline like this before. Caroline seemed more confident of herself and of Gillian in a way she never had been with John or Kate. Celia had always thought both of them were too weak for Caroline, but Gillian, now there was an adversary. The thought sent a chill down Celia’s spine. She had a horrible premonition that things were not going to go her way and she felt tired of the fight already.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Gillian and Alan sat on the wall in the courtyard of the farm. The quiet after the storm had left the valley peaceful, but the damage could be seen on the sides of the roads. The farm wasn’t too badly hit, a relief for them both.

“Dad, I’m really sorry you had to see that. We didn’t mean it to happen.” Gillian nervously clutched her mug of tea, rotating it continually in her hands.

“I know love. It were a sight...and a shock.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry about Celia too. She said some horrible things about you.”

“Celia apologised this morning, so we can all move on. But it would be good for you to have a chat to her about it, if you would.”

Alan reached for Gillian’s hand and looked at his daughter. “I know it were a shock but there were no reason to lash out like she did. It were uncalled for. I talked to her about it last night.”

“Thanks Dad. Thing is, we’ve heard it all before.” Gillian paused, “so don’t let this come between you and Celia. I know she’s a bit...” Gillian screwed up her face, “but I know you love her. I don’t really care what she thinks of me so long as she keeps it to herself. It’s Caroline that I love.”

Gillian tried to find the words to express how she felt. It seemed to be changing so fast. “It feels different this time Dad. Caroline never judges me and she understands me, better than any of the others did. I know I can completely trust her.” She paused for a moment. “It’s different with women, Dad. They know you better. They listen; they pay attention. It’s harder, but it’s better, if that makes sense.” She looked at her mug as if it might hold some answers for her, the radiant smile on her face clearly showing the inexplicable love she had for this snotty bitch. “I love her.”

“I can see that love.”

And then she cuts to the heart of it. “I feel safe with her.”

That stops Alan in his tracks. He sinks into his shame about his inaction regarding Eddie. He had known something was going on, even if he didn’t know exactly what it was. He remembered the days that he could see terror around the edges of Gillian’s being, even though her words were saying everything was okay. It was easier to listen to the words than to see the fear his daughter was projecting. He took the easy road, the road that social rules dictate. He’ll never forgive himself for it. He closed his eyes, held in his tears, and forced himself back to today, this happier day, with his daughter safe.

Alan breathed out slowly, and asked, “So how long has this been going on?”

“A couple of months. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to put you on the spot with Celia,” Gillian looked at her dad, “and we knew she was going to blow up.” She studied him, hoping that he would be okay with it. She really needed him to be okay with it.

“I spoke with our Raff this morning. He said he’d known for two months! I didn’t see this at all.”

“We didn’t want to tell anyone until we knew what we were, Dad. It were very new for us both and we knew there’d be fall out.” Gillian looked at her sheep dog as he padded quietly around the yard and a small smile crept up her face again. If only people were as forgiving as her beloved Border Collie.

Alan listened in silence, letting the words fall between them. He tried to find some order in it. “I want to be okay with it, but give me a bit of time to get used to it, love.”

“I know, Dad. I know.” She looked at him kindly. “It changes things, doesn’t it.”

“Aye, it does lass. It does.”

They sat in silence for a while, gazing down the valley, the damage by the storm looking like a giant had crashed through the valley, crushing some things and leaving other things intact. Eventually, Alan broke the silence.

“How does Caroline feel about it? It must be hard for her, what with her mum.”

“Yeah. She’s hurt and she really hates arguing with her mum, but she’s not going to put up with the crap she did with Kate. I don’t want to either, Dad. I’ll have enough to deal with when everyone else finds out,” Gillian said, nodding to the valley before them.

Alan closed his eyes for a moment, dreading the whispers that would start once word got out about his daughter. He thought he’d be used to it by now, but it always hurt. He sighed. He did love her, his mad daughter, and he could see that this time it was different for her. Gillian sounded more sure of herself than he’d ever seen. This time she looked healthier, stronger, more adult somehow. As for Caroline, he really liked her. She had a lot of Celia in her, but she meant well and she was sound. He knew from how she treated Kate that Caroline would look after his Gillian well, and that was important. Not that he’d ever be able to get that image out of his head. He didn’t think a lover had ever behaved like that with him and for a brief moment he was a little jealous of his daughter. He shook the thought out of his head, a little horrified that it had crossed his mind at all. He draped his arm over Gillian’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “It’ll be all right love. It always is.”

“I hope so, Dad.” Gillian snuggled into his embrace for a moment, enjoying the closeness and the safety.

They sat there for a while, looking out over the fields and down the valley, each lost in their thoughts. It was Gillian who broke the reverie.

“So what about Celia?”

Alan pulled his arms into his sides protectively. “We’ll need to talk.” He looked at the ground. “I know she had a migraine and that confuses people so they don’t always know what they’re saying...”

“Have you spoken to her this morning?” Gillian asked quietly.

“No. I wanted to give her some time so I left early. I’ll stop with Harry for lunch and will pop around later today.”

“Are you getting a place together? That’s what Celia said this morning.”

“We might. I think it’s about time, don’t you?”

“Yeah, probably. You know you’re welcome here, but it’ll be hard for me to leave the farm, so Caz and me, we’ll probably have to spend most of our nights here.”

They both looked out over the sodden land, thinking about the complications for their family with the addition of Celia and Caroline. Gillian squeezed her dad’s hand and let it go, standing up briskly. “Time to get on with it. I’ll see you about. Love ya Dad.” Gillian kissed him on the cheek and moved off, calling her dog to follow.

“Bye love.” Alan watched her walking towards one of the tractors, getting ready to clean up the mess left by the storm. That lass of his, strong beyond anything he could imagine, was soft beneath the exterior made tough by life. Quietly, to himself, Alan thought they’re an odd pair, but Caroline would be a better partner than the others had been. If only he could get that image of them out of his head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Gillian was sitting on the wall in the courtyard, basking in the diffuse afternoon sun when Caroline arrived at the farm just after 4pm. Sheryl had managed to push a few meetings to later in the week, allowing Caroline to escape a bit early. She’d called William before lunch and had managed to describe the events of the previous evening with enough brevity not to embarrass either of them. He’d even understood that her description of ‘difficult’ would be better interpreted as ‘shitshow’.

She’d been more anxious about calling Lawrence and she’d waited until the end of his school day for that. Fortunately he had seemed fine about it on the phone. He was surprised that she was seeing Gillian, but as his mum was no longer working at Sulgrave Heath, it had minimal immediate impact on him as far as he was concerned. Caroline sighed with relief; at least Lawrence was not being deliberately obstructive any more. Perhaps he was growing up. Maybe it was the counselling. She mentally sent out a brief thanks to whatever it was that made life easier for them all.

Caroline leaned forward on the steering wheel, looking at Gillian for a moment before collecting her handbag and getting out of the car. She headed straight for Gillian, dropping her bag on the ground and stood between Gillian’s dangling legs. She wrapped her arms around Gillian’s muscular body and leaned in for a kiss.

“Hi.”

“Hiya. How was your day?” Gillian wrapped her arms around Caroline, delighted that she could feel her lover’s body through the thin fabric of her summer dress.

“Interesting.” Caroline kissed her again.

“Is that ‘interesting’ as in it kept you interested, or ‘interesting’ as in a posh word for ‘shit’?”

Caroline chucked. “Both?”

Gillian kissed Caroline, this time with more passion, wrapping her legs around Caroline to bring her closer.

After a few moments, Caroline pulled back to look into Gillian’s eyes. She smiled and slowly traced the sunlight across Gillian’s face with her lips. She had reached Gillian’s eyebrow when she spoke, tickling with her lips when she asked, “And how was your day? Did you speak with your dad?” She continued tracing Gillian’s face with her lips, listening to the answer.

Gillian smiled. “It were good actually. He were fine about it. Well, he will be. He needs a bit of time to get used to the idea is all, but he were very good about it. He likes you.” She leaned back so that Caroline could see her face. “He’s going to speak with Celia about it. I think we have a really big supporter, actually.”

Caroline could see the relief on Gillian’s face. She knew Gillian had been stressed about it. Alan was the only person who had been emotionally supportive of Gillian for a long time, so it was going to make a huge difference to Gillian if he was okay with it.

“I presume you called William. Have you spoken with Lawrence too?”

“Yes and yes. Lawrence was okay actually. I’m hoping. A bit hard to tell. I asked him to be kind when he talks to Mum, so we’ll see what happens.” Looking at Gillian in the soft afternoon light, Caroline felt captured by Gillian’s blue-green eyes.

“I missed you today.” Caroline’s mapping of Gillian’s face expanded to her neck and descended into the valley between her breasts. Before Gillian knew it, Caroline had managed to undo several buttons of her shirt until the sound of a car coming up the drive filtered into their consciousness.

Caroline froze for a moment, and then tried to pull away from Gillian. She was trapped, caught in the grip of strong arms and legs. Caroline was getting agitated.

“Caroline, this is my land. This is our home. We make the rules. They can play by our rules, Caroline, not the other way around.” She looked into Caroline’s eyes, watching the dawning of this new idea, this new way of operating.

“I’m going to hold you, and we’re going to kiss, and if they don’t like it, they can leave. Remember, this is our home.” Gillian leant in to capture Caroline’s lips in a gentle kiss. Caroline was still stiff, age-old fear still running through her system, but she moved toward Gillian, softening into the kiss. She was game, Gillian thought, impressed that Caroline was prepared to challenge herself like this.

When Greg drove into the courtyard he saw two women in what was clearly a lovers’ embrace. He was a bit stunned to see that one of them was Caroline, but as soon as that thought crossed his mind, it made absolute sense. Before Caroline moved to Halifax, Greg had looked after Flora when Caroline was at work. He was the one Caroline would come home to after her Friday night dinners with Gillian, usually with a glow about her despite her end-of-the-week tiredness. He thought Gillian would be great for Caroline.

Caroline broke off the kiss, pulled back from Gillian and smiled. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.” She gave Gillian a quick kiss on the lips and her head turned to the car. “Flora!”

Gillian let Caroline go, knowing she’d head straight to Flora. Caroline really missed Flora and she usually wouldn’t let Flora out of her arms for at least an hour after she came back from Greg’s. Flora was just as besotted with Caroline and would cry if Caroline attempted to put her down until they’d finished reconnecting. It had been several months but Caroline was still finding the nights apart from Flora hard.

They brought Flora’s things inside. Caroline carried Flora and they sat in the kitchen watching Gillian put the kettle on and get the tea ready. Not long after they were all seated around the kitchen table, Raff turned up from school.

“Hiya Mum.”

“Hiya love. Good day at school?”

“Yeah. It’s coming along.” He dumped his heavy school bag by the door and came into the kitchen, automatically going to the cupboards for biscuits and a mug for tea.

“Mum, Grandad called me today. It sounds like he’s had another fight with Celia but he didn’t tell me what it were about.”

“Your grandad and Celia know about us. She were really unkind to us last night and your grandad is not happy about it.”

Caroline joined in. “Flora and I are staying here for a couple of days while they sort themselves out. Your grandad and my mum might buy their own place at some point, which would be good.”

“So Celia really cracked it, did she?”

Caroline sighed. “Yeah. Nothing we weren’t expecting though.”

“So how’d they find out?” He looked at each of them, flicking between the two of them like a spectator at a tennis match, watching Caroline blush and then he twigged.

“Oh. Did they catch you snogging or something?” He chuckled.

Gillian looked at Caroline, watching her go an even brighter shade of red. “Something like that...”

Raff thought this was hilarious and his guffaws were loud and he hung onto the bench for support. He shook his head while a variety of R-rated tableaux flashed before his eyes. “What are you two like?”

Gillian got up and walked around the table, put her arms protectively around Caroline and whispered in her ear, before kissing her on the cheek. It was in this moment that Greg saw their genuine affection for one another. It was a pleasure to see Caroline so happy, after so much grief. He felt like he was seeing a different person to the one he’d known for the last couple of years.

“So what are we going to do about Grandad and Celia?” Raff asked.

“I spoke with him today and your grandad seems okay. Well, he will be in time.”

Greg jumped into the conversation. “There’s a group in Manchester for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, known as PFLAG. It might be worth passing on their details to your grandad in case he wants to get in touch. They might even have a group in Halifax. It might be good for him to speak to someone about it.”

“Great idea. I don’t know if he’d go for it, but worth passing on.” Raff was quite excited by the idea of it.

“Great idea.“ Gillian said brightly.

Caroline was thinking this might be good for her mum. She wondered why she hadn’t thought of it before, when Kate was alive. Then she remembered that she had been so closeted that she had actively scrubbed any mention of queer culture from her brain in case it bled into the rest of her life. She sighed, wondering how much life and support she had missed out on as a result. She looked at Gillian, a gentle smile on her face, very glad that things had changed so much for her recently.


	17. Friday - Lunch with Celia

Caroline knew that the real showdown with her mum would happen when they were alone. With that in mind, she had organised to go home to have lunch with Celia on the Friday after the storm, giving Alan a few days for targeted homophobia mitigation first.

During the drive from work she had gone through the strategies she’d talked about with Gillian and with her counsellor. She never felt fully prepared for a conversation with her mother about her homophobia. She parked the Jeep and turned off the engine, sitting there for a few moments gathering her thoughts. She sighed and went to meet Celia.

“Hi Mum.” She called as she opened the front door.

“Hi Caroline.” She could hear the voice in the back garden. Sensible, she thought, of Celia to avoid the radioactive kitchen table for this discussion. She was really tempted to perch on the edge of the table in the garden, as a little reminder for her mum, but thought it might set her mum onto an immediate war footing rather than just giving herself the upper hand. She smiled. It was still tempting. There was always a sneaky joy to wrong-footing her mum when she was being stubborn.

Celia had made their lunch; an array of sandwiches and a brewing pot of tea were on the table. Caroline smiled briefly at her mum.

“Thanks for getting this ready. I’m a bit short of time so, thank you.”

“It’s nice to finally see you, Caroline.” Celia started with the subtle dig about Caroline’s absence from the house, which Caroline ignored. Celia poured the tea while Caroline took off her jacket, dropped her bag and sat down.

Caroline put a few sandwiches on her plate, added milk to her tea and waited for her mum to start the conversation. Today was a game of strategy and she was letting her mum make the first move, to show her hand.

“So how long has this been going on?” Celia was on a fact-finding mission. Celia reasoned that if she could find a chink in Caroline’s armour, she could exploit it.

“About three months.”

“And why didn’t you tell me about it?”

Caroline looked at her mum, gauging the level of distress from facial cues and the level of whine in the voice. Okay so far, she thought.

“Gillian and I wanted a bit of time to work out ‘us’ first. We’ve known each other for four years, so there were a few things we had to...sort out. Now we have a better idea who we are as a couple. We were going to tell you and Alan soon anyway.”

Celia was a bit cynical about that, and it showed on her face. “Really?”

“Well, we knew you were going to find it hard, so we did wonder how to tell you.”

“I don’t know why. There’s no one more broad-minded than me.”

A small smile grew on Caroline’s face. “Okay.” She was trying to keep calm, letting that little self-deception pass. “What else did you want to ask?”

“Why her? Why Gillian?”

“I don’t know why. It just happened really. One day we were friends, and the next we were thinking of each other in a different way.”

“So it changed, just like that?” Celia was confused as to how that could happen. She couldn’t imagine this happening with any of her friends. The thought horrified her.

“Well, we were spending a lot of time together and we grew close, I suppose. We realised we had a lot in common, more than I first thought actually. The point is, I really like her. I love her. Now I can’t imagine life without her.”

Caroline looked at her mum with open honesty, revealing the truth of those words. Celia was a bit shaken by it. She could see that Caroline was seriously in love with this woman, like she had been with Kate. It hadn’t been until she’d seen Caroline’s raw grief after Kate’s death that Celia really understood just how deeply Caroline loved Kate. Since Monday she’d been thinking it was some sort of sexual thing since Gillian was such a tramp. She hadn’t quite taken in that these two might actually be in love, despite their protestations during the storm. This she hadn’t expected.

“I want to move in with her. Share a life with her. I don’t know how it will work out, but I want to try.”

“What about Kate?”

Caroline had been dreading this question. Her face fell, and she looked at her plate, watching the sandwiches drying out in the sun. 

“I loved Kate. I married her and I wanted a life with her. I wanted to grow old with her. I imagine that I would still be with her.” Caroline looked into the distance, unseeing. “But she died.” It took a few moments, but Caroline looked at her mum, her eyes damp with tears. “She’s gone, and I deserve to be happy, like you and Alan are happy. I think I’ve found that with Gillian.”

“I’m sorry, love. I know you loved Kate. I’m just worried about you. Gillian isn’t the same. She does muck about and you know I’ve been through that with your dad. It is horrible and I don’t want that for you.”

Her mum was being much less bitchy than usual. Caroline tilted her head slightly, wondering what was going on. She wondered if that was Celia being protective of her or if Alan had been working hard on her mum this week. 

“I know Mum. I’ll have to deal with it if it happens, but I don’t think it will. It’s been months and I’ve not see any sign of her even thinking about it.”

“So you don’t know for sure, then.” Celia had found the crack she was looking for. If she didn’t explore this crack today, she could explore it in the future. Even small tree roots would break up concrete if you gave them enough water and time. She smiled to herself.

“Mum, I really don’t think she will. I’m not going to break her confidences, but I do know there were reasons for her...mucking about. I don’t think that’s going to happen because I won’t be triggering that.” She stopped, wondering if she’d said too much already. Her mum was always good at getting information out of her, better than anyone else. She’d realised recently that Gillian was getting really good at it too. A smile crept up her face as she thought of the farmer in her tight blue jeans and a favourite checked shirt.

“What do you mean, ‘triggering’? What was going on?” Celia was intrigued now.

Caroline kicked herself mentally. She knew she couldn’t afford to drift off when dealing with her mother. She brought herself back on track. 

“I can’t tell you. I will tell you that there was stuff going on that no one knew about and Gillian was reacting to that. I genuinely don’t think she will muck about. And really, even if she does, that’s between me and Gillian to work out.”

“I’m just trying to protect you Caroline.”

“I know Mum, but she’s not my dad. She really isn’t.” 

Caroline could see Celia wasn’t convinced, but she seemed to let it drop for the moment. Caroline took another bite of her sandwich, and a sip of tea, waiting for the next question.

“So why is she gay all of a sudden? I don’t understand that. It is bad enough you claiming to be a lesbian but Gillian has...” she waved her hand in the air, “with half of West Yorkshire.”

Caroline chuckled. “Yep, probably. Doesn’t really matter though, does it? Doesn’t mean I love her any less, or that Gillian loves me any less, and that’s what counts.” Caroline was trying to think of a way to explain it to her mum.

“Think about it like this. When you were 16, you fell in love with Alan. It didn’t matter about the other boys who were around at the time, did it, because you just wanted him.”

“Not really. I knew then, that I loved him.”

“Well, that’s the same with us. It doesn’t matter who else is about. I just want Gillian. I’ve fallen in love with her.”

Celia really was trying, but she couldn’t understand about two women doing that, being that way. Mind you, she couldn’t for the life of her get the vision of Caroline on the table out of her head. She liked sex too, but she could never imagine displaying herself like that to Alan. She certainly never had to Kenneth. She didn’t know if it was the different times, or if Caroline was a sex fiend. She thought it might be the latter - she was a lesbian, after all - but the thought was very disturbing. How did she give birth to one of those? It must be Kenneth’s genes.

“I think you must be more like your father than I considered.” Celia was thinking aloud.

“Okay.” So we’re doing that again, Caroline thought. She sighed, raising one of her eyebrows under her fringe. “Why?”

“Well, you seem to like women, and sex, apparently.” 

Caroline laughed suddenly, the high-pitched laugh of embarrassment. This was absolutely _not_ the conversation she wanted to have with her mother. Bloody Gillian. Mind racing, Caroline was trying to pull her thoughts together and mount some sort of defence. 

“I hadn’t considered that.” It was starting to crystallise in her mind, the two strands to this. “Well, I guess you’re right in some ways, but I don’t sleep around, Mum. I’ve seen what it does to people when their partners cheat; you, me...”

Celia could see that Caroline, in her attempt to pacify, had left her flank open. Celia went on the attack.

“Anyway, I thought you had a type. Kate and Olga were black and Gillian’s not.” Celia was digging deeper now.

God, am I really discussing this with my mum, Caroline mused. “I admit, I do find some...types very attractive, but it isn’t that others are unattractive.” Christ almighty. What the hell was she doing.

“So now your type is low-life, trailer-trash is it?” The knives were out now. “I’m disappointed Caroline. I never thought you’d go after John’s mucky seconds. You’ll be going after Judith next.”

Caroline’s jaw dropped. “Wow. Just wow.” She gripped the edge of the table, her knuckles going white. Her voice was low, full of fury. “That is insulting on so many levels it doesn’t deserve a response.”

“Well. You shouldn’t be together. She’s your sister. It’s wrong.” Celia cuts to the core if it for her, the wrongness of it all.

“We’re not related and you know that. Now you’re just being cruel. I never thought of you as cruel before.” Going for her mum’s soft underbelly, Caroline knew just where to target. “Other people have told me you were cruel, but I’d never believed them.”

“What people?!”

Repeating her mother’s line, Caroline landed the blow that would have her mother spinning in her tracks for days. “Oh, you know, just people.”

Celia sat there, mind whirring, trying to work out ‘what people’.

Caroline had had almost as much as she could handle today. Time to wrap it up.

“I do have a few things to say before I go.” Caroline looked Celia in the eye. Celia sat up a bit straighter, knowing Caroline’s rules were being handed down.

“What?” She spoke curtly.

Caroline bit back a blunt reply. She breathed deeply trying to calm herself, her stomach in knots. “Okay. I need you to be polite to Gillian. I mean it. What happened on Monday is gone and done, but it can’t happen again.”

“No, it certainly can’t! I don’t want to see that ever again!”

“And secondly, I want you to stop telling me that what we are is wrong. I’ve found the woman I want to be with, and I want you to accept that.”

Celia said nothing. She didn’t like these rules at all.

“Thank you.” Caroline looked at her watch. She wanted to leave, no matter that she still had time before her next meeting.

“I have to go. I have a meeting with the Chair of the Parents’ Association.” She stood up and put on her jacket again, all business. “Thank you for lunch.”

“Okay.”

“Good luck with the house hunting.” Caroline kissed her mum briefly on the cheek and turned for the door. “Bye.”

“Bye bye.”

Caroline made it to the safety of her Jeep. She took off but it was not long after she was out of sight of the house that she pulled over and burst into tears. The effort to keep her emotions in check was huge, and the relief that it was finished was overwhelming. She didn’t know whether she wanted to vomit or scream or kill something, so she just cried. 

It was ten minutes before she felt more sane. It was only her mother who ever made her feel like this. She freshened up her makeup and looked out at the valley below. She hoped that time would sort it out. It usually did


	18. Wednesday - The New Club

Caroline walked into the room more quietly than she normally did and quietly stood along the wall. The sign on the door said ‘LGBTIQ and friends welcome’. She spotted the three teachers who were officially guiding the new club, Anna, Henrique and Amel. All were kind and strong, the sort of leaders the young LGBTIQ students would need in their corner.

There were a lot more students than they had anticipated. She had thought only a few might turn up, but the violent incident two weeks ago had shaken everyone and there were nearly forty students in the packed classroom.

The one she noticed first was Peter, the bruising on his face still visible and the cast on his arm freshly adorned with quotes of support and signatures from staff and students alike.

Henrique, the eldest of the teachers, cleared his throat and the room fell silent, waiting. There was a nervous excitement in the room and several students had stolen glances at Caroline. “Welcome all to the inaugural meeting of the LGBTIQ and Friends club. Everyone is welcome. I’d especially like to welcome Peter back to school. We’re very happy you’re here with us. I’d like to express how sorry we are that you were targeted by homophobic bullies, but we will be with you every step of the way from now on.”

Henrique turned to Caroline. “I’d also like to welcome our Head Teacher, Dr. McKenzie-Dawson, who asked to come to our meeting.” He gestured to Caroline that she had the floor.

Caroline moved forward so that she’d be clearly visible to everyone. She held her back straight and smiled a bit nervously to the group. Really, she told herself, none would be more supportive than the group of staff and students in this room. She took a deep breath.

“Good afternoon all. Welcome back again Peter. Delighted that you are here with us today.” She smiled directly at Peter, who was nursing the arm with the cast. “I did wish to join you today for a couple of reasons. Firstly I wish to let you know that this club, and you, have my full support. The bullying and violence suffered by Peter, and by many of you in the past, will be dealt with. The school has a policy that will be followed; homophobic violence and bullying will not be tolerated. The three students who hurt Peter have been expelled, as you know. What you may not know, and Peter has kindly let me share this with you, is that the three former students involved have been charged and will face court in the next few months.”

Caroline looked around the room, letting this sink in. “Hopefully it won’t happen again. However, if you are having problems and you don’t think it is being dealt with properly, come and see me. I mean it.” Caroline looked around the room, meeting the eyes of every student, all of whom were watching her intently.

“Secondly, I’d like to explain why you have such a strong supporter.” This was it. She took a deep breath. “I am a lesbian. I am in a committed relationship with a woman.” She paused while the students looked at her with slack jaws, nudging each other to make sure their friends were hearing this too. “Yep. I sleep with a woman. It took me a long time to be able to say that, so don’t worry if you’re not there yet. I’m ancient; you have time.” There were a few chuckles in the room. Caroline was aiming for friendly rather than intimidating, not that the students weren’t intimidated anyway.

Caroline looked at the three teachers and mentors for the group. “Yes, I’m coming out of the closet, again. I was ‘out’ at my last school and everyone knew about my wife and me. As some of you know,” Caroline was looking at some of the older students who had been visibly out for a while, “you never come out just once; it is something you do all your life, with nearly everyone new that you meet. The assumption of heterosexuality means that we are forever explaining who we are to people not like us. When I was your age, I was terrified to be me, so I applaud your courage. Just being in this room means that you have courage and wisdom beyond your years and I applaud you all.

“I wish you all the best. I leave you in the capable hands of Henrique, Anna and Amel.” Caroline nodded to Henrique to continue and turned to leave. She turned back, “Oh, and one last thing. You get to tell the rest of the school.” Some of the group laughed quietly, loving the idea of knowing this most juicy bit of gossip before the rest of the school.

“Thanks miss,” came out loudly from several students, while others were still stunned into silence. Caroline smiled broadly and nodded, turning to leave them to their meeting. The moment she closed the door behind her, she smiled to herself. The room had erupted into loud laughter and excited chatter. Now _that_ was coming out, she thought.

 

* * *

  

It didn’t take long for the word to spread. By mid afternoon she had Sheryl in her office, glaring at her.

“Yes Sheryl?” Caroline knew exactly what this was about but she was going to make her say it.

“You didn’t tell me.” Sheryl was definitely put out by being the last to be told about this bit of gossip.

”Tell you what?” Caroline watched her carefully. She knew that how Sheryl spoke her next lines would be revealing.

”Tell me you were a lesbian?”

There was no hesitating, or whispering, or screwing up of Sheryl’s face when she said this. It was looking good from Caroline’s perspective.

“Nope. I didn’t.” Caroline leaned forward in her chair. “I told the LGBTIQ students who need the most support, who are most likely to face verbal, physical and sexual abuse for being who they are. So yes. I told them first.” Caroline sat still, looking squarely at Sheryl.

Sheryl gulped. “Okay. That’s fair. It’s just, me brother’s gay and I never would have told if you’d asked me not to."

Caroline softened, “I didn’t know about your brother. But I did know that you’d have kept it secret had I wanted you to, Sheryl.” Caroline paused, finessing her words, the steel showing through. “I didn’t feel it was anyone’s business for a while. Now it is. Coming out makes me the target, and not the students. So yes, the school community is going to have to deal with it.” She had a joyful glint in her eyes when she added, “You _are_ welcome to spread this as far and wide as you wish.”

Sheryl nearly collapsed with relief. “Thank god. I’ve been bustin’ to say something but didn’t want to in case you weren’t okay with it.” She sat down heavily on the chair in front of Caroline’s desk. “So tell me about your girlfriend.”

Caroline looked at her, not quite sure how much to say at this point. “She’s a farmer. She’s funny; she’s kind. She’s strong willed.” She raised her eyebrows and nodded at this, receiving a chuckle from Sheryl. “My family knows but not everyone is happy about it; very common I hear.” She looked at the clock on the wall behind Sheryl. “That’s enough. Back to work for both of us.” She shooed Sheryl out with her hands, the smile on her face warm and sunny, revealing how she felt about this mystery farmer. When the door closed, Caroline leaned back in her chair and shut her eyes. All she really wanted to do was draw Gillian into a tight hug and breathe her in. It was a minute or two before she could bring herself back to the present and back to her work.

 


	19. Sunday - At the Farm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A month after the tempest, Caroline and Flora are living at the farm. 
> 
> WARNING: The last section is definitely NSFW. Enjoy!

Caroline and Flora had been living with Gillian on the farm for most of the last month. It was cramped even though Caroline had left the majority of her clothes behind. Flora had moved into Raff’s old bedroom, which Caroline also treated as a dressing room as she needed the space for her work clothes. Flora had settled in well and loved playing with Calamity on the days they were together. Gillian had suggested that she look after both girls, but Caroline knew that looking after two toddlers was a full time job and Gillian wouldn’t get any of her work done, so Flora went to childcare three days a week and spent two days with Greg while Caroline worked.

On Tuesday nights Greg brought Flora home and stayed for dinner. Gillian’s and Caroline’s house was now full of love and laughter and this attracted various family members who were always popping in. The house was so constantly full that they’d had to make it common knowledge that there were to be no visitors between 5pm and 6.30pm during the week, the busy time with a toddler, and on Sundays before 11am. Mostly this was about having some downtime from other people and obligations, but their reputation for shagging like bunnies had spread through the family and so everyone left them alone during these times, horrified by the thought they might actually catch them _in flagrante delicto._

Caroline had found that Gillian had a weakness for her when she was dressed in her work clothes and if they were alone, Gillian would pounce as soon as she appeared. It wasn’t that Gillian couldn’t control herself, but more that Caroline found herself succumbing so quickly to Gillian’s charms that her meagre resolve disappeared completely. This was fun in the afternoons and had lead to many an entertaining welcome home. It was less fun in the mornings when she was trying to get ready for work, so Caroline had taken to dressing in Flora’s room just before leaving, and then bolting from the house in her stilettos like her arse was on fire. Of course, there were also the days when Flora wasn’t home and Caroline would sashay past Gillian, waiting to be caught.

All the fantastic sex she was having had definitely improved Caroline’s mood. Even’s Celia’s barbs were more likely to fly past, much to Celia’s chagrin. Celia would try to deepen any cracks in the Caroline/Gillian foundations but Caroline would often have this dreamy expression on her face and respond with “Sure Mum. Whatever you say,” knowing that it would drive her mother nuts. It had been a very effective campaign when the two of them were alone.

Gillian had worked out that the discussion of lesbian sex was Celia’s Achilles heel, and brought it up whenever Celia was being a pill. It gave her great satisfaction. Once Caroline had got past the embarrassment of constantly being referred to as great at shagging, it offered her no end of spiteful joy at her mother’s discomfort, although she couldn’t quite bring herself to use the same tactics. Caroline did wonder if Gillian would finally drive her mother into homophobia rehab with it though.

Alan had taken a more direct approach, dragging Celia along to the local chapter of PFLAG in Halifax. One of the women had been posh enough for Celia to like and she was helping to lay the groundwork for change. Celia was still clutching primly to her archaic views while trying in vain to keep her mouth shut, lest she offend Alan, or Gillian too much on the rare occasions she came to the farm. She’d said something about Gillian’s mucky past two weeks ago and had, after a fairly vicious slanging match, become aware that it was Gillian she had to watch out for, and not her daughter. She didn’t really expect Caroline to stand up for her mum, but Celia was disconcerted to find that during this verbal onslaught Caroline had stood next to Gillian with a smug expression on her face, one hand on her hip and the other on Gillian’s shoulder. Celia felt like the ground was shifting under her feet and it was a most unpleasant experience.

During the last three weeks, Sunday lunch had become the time the family came together. It started as an ad hoc invitation to Raff, Ellie and Calamity, and had somehow blossomed into a regular event in the family calendar. Greg started joining the family lunch too last Sunday and as that freed Caroline from the journey to Manchester in the afternoon, she considered it a welcome relief now she was so busy at work.

Sunday had sped around again. Lawrence’s rugby team had a rare bye so he had the whole weekend free and William had come to Gillian’s to help him study for his English and history exams. The usual carping between the boys was irritating but provided Caroline with a sense of home that was not about place. She loved having her boys with her again.

While the boys worked on Lawrence’s exam preparation in the lounge, Caroline spent the morning cooking in the kitchen. Gillian looked after Flora, taking Flora around the farm while she fed the chooks and checked the sheep with her trusty canine. Caroline loved how good Gillian was with Flora and Calamity; it was obvious why Raff was such a thoughtful, gentle soul, despite the genetic inheritance from his father.

Celia popped in just after 11am for a cup of tea with Caroline, while Alan joined Gillian and Flora outside for a chat. Raff and Ellie arrived with Calamity and Harry and fabulous chaos ensued. Greg turned up at noon and delighted in keeping the two young girls thoroughly entertained with his wild adventure stories. Caroline smiled at the pleasure of hearing the happy sounds of her family, the contentment spreading to her bones.

Celia was sitting at the kitchen table, waxing lyrical about the cottage she and Alan had seen in Holywell Green, only a 15 minute drive from Halifax. Single storey, which suited Alan’s heart and Celia’s knees, it was the right size and in the right price range.

“We put in an offer on Friday, so we’re hopeful. It has a lovely view over the valley and a delightful back yard. It’s right on the main street, but it’s such a little village I don’t mind that. It’s very sweet really.”

“That sounds great. When do you think you’ll hear from them?” Caroline was crossing her fingers for them to get it. She loved waking up every morning next to Gillian, but living in this tiny house, without all her things, was driving her bonkers.

“Monday we think. We’ve offered the asking price so unless they get another offer over the weekend, we should be right.”

“Great. I’m sure you’re looking forward to your new home.” Caroline was dishing up a stew for Raff and Ellie to take home with them. “And if you got it, any idea when you might be moving?”

Celia paused, trying to gauge Caroline’s subtext from her tone of voice. “Possibly another month or so, depending on settlement. Why?”

“Well, I’d like my house back.” Caroline looked directly at her mother.

“There’s no reason you can’t come back. I’d love to see more of little Flora. I miss her, you know. I don’t see why you’re still living here...with her.”

“I know you miss Flora, Mum. I’m sure, however, that you don’t miss Gillian sleeping over. Do you.” Caroline knew this was still a sore spot for her mum.

Neither had noticed that Gillian had come into the house, slipping her work boots off by the back door and walking quietly into the kitchen.

“Yeah, Celia. You know we like having noisy sex, loud enough to drown out a storm.”

Caroline snorted.

Celia blanched at this. She hated being reminded of that night during the storm.

“So it would be great for you to have your own place. Then we’d have two houses to play in.” Gillian leered at Caroline, who was having trouble containing her laughter.

“So many rooms...”

Gillian was just toying with her now, Celia knew. She stood up quickly, taking her hand off the table like it was contaminated.

“You two...just disgraceful.”

“Yep. That’s us.” Caroline laughed and leaned into Gillian for a kiss.

Alan and Raff burst into the kitchen. Raff was now so used to seeing his mum and Caroline kissing that he didn’t even blink.

“Lunch nearly ready? We’re starving, Caroline.” Raff piped up.

“Not long. Ellie, would you like to carve? The lamb’s been resting for a few minutes so should be ready to carve.” Caroline smiled warmly at Gillian before moving to pick up the oven mitts to take the roast vegetables out of the oven.

The house was bursting with people as everyone piled into the kitchen. Caroline made the gravy, Gillian served the vegetables, Ellie carved and Raff set the table. William and Lawrence joined in the discussion of the local football teams, and the kitchen filled with warmth, flowing over to Celia standing in the corner talking with Harry and Calamity. The sniping forgotten for now, the Sunday lunch was a happy event.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone had gone by 3 o’clock, leaving Gillian and Caroline in peace for the afternoon. By 4 o’clock Gillian had escaped outside to change the oil and spark plugs in one of the tractors as the weather was fine and she relished the chance to catch up on some of her chores 

Caroline prepared two cups of tea and a plate of biscuits, knowing that Gillian would be peckish by now. She walked outside with the tray, wondering which tractor, and where, when she heard a quiet “Shit” from one of the sheds. She smiled to herself and headed in that direction.

Peeking around the door she found Gillian bent over the front tyre of the tractor, trying to reach something in the belly of the engine. Lit by the shaft of light from the skylight, all Caroline could think of was the beautiful shape of Gillian’s arse. It really was magnificent. Firm, round, delicious. Caroline could almost feel the skin under her hands, the soft skin moving over the rippling musculature beneath it. She was imagining the shapes that fine arse would be making underneath the baggy blue overalls as Gillian moved. She could feel herself running one hand up Gillian’s back as Gillian bent over, while the other one reached between Gillian’s legs... _Christ almighty Caroline!_ She exhaled slowly, trying to bring her mind back to the present, but her blood had already headed south and she was having trouble focusing on anything else.

She walked over to the bench and quietly put down the tray, turning to find that Gillian was still absorbed by whatever was in the bottom of the engine of the tractor. After a quick mental check for the proximity of other people, she decided that this was an opportunity too good to miss.

Caroline walked slowly over to Gillian, her eyes focused entirely on the beauty of the arse in front of her.

“Stay there. I want you like this.”

Gillian dropped her tools and stood up, fighting the instant urge to fight, the urge for control. It was Caroline. She was safe. Gillian breathed out and relaxed.

Caroline stood behind Gillian, her perfume and her uneven breathing noticed by Gillian, before two hands started stroking Gillian’s bum. She could feel Caroline pressing into her, breasts and belly and hips connecting, before Caroline’s hands hunted underneath Gillian’s overalls. Bib and brace overalls; so much easier to access the body underneath, Caroline thought. Gillian relaxed into the soothing touch. Her breath hitched as Caroline found one of her breasts, playing with the weight of it, pinching a nipple. The other hand slid over her stomach and down in to her underpants, weaving it’s way through the fine hair, teasing her before moving up her body again. Caroline’s lips and tongue found her neck, and she tilted her head, giving Caroline more access. She leant backwards into Caroline to feel hard nipples scratching at her back through the soft cotton as Caroline moved.

Caroline moved her lips up to Gillian’s ear. Caroline had found that sometimes Gillian liked it when she talked, and she’d been practicing. Caroline’s voice, quiet and deep with arousal, led Gillian on a fiction of future fucking.

“Tonight I’m going to undress you. Slowly. I’m going to kiss every part of you, from your eyebrows to your toes, making every part of you feel desired. Then I’m going to caress your breasts until your nipples ache with a hardness that you feel tug at your clit. I’m going to lick and suck your clit until your body is on fire. Your skin is going to beg to be touched.” She paused to let that image sink in. Gillian’s mouth was open, her breathing fast, her body arching into Caroline’s touch. “Then, when you’re ready, when you ask me to, I’m going to take you from behind. Tonight, in our bed, I’m going to bend you over, spread your legs, and take you from behind. You’ll be so wet that my fingers will slide right into you. If you prefer, I’ll use your cock.” Gillian’s body jerked at the mention of this. Caroline smiled, her own breathing faster. The erotic fiction was working. “I’m going to watch that cock moving in and out of you, in and out, ever so slowly at the start. You’re going to feel everything. It’s going to be exquisite. Then, if you want me to, I will fuck you harder and I will fuck you faster. And then you’re going to need to hang onto the headboard, my love, because I’m going to fuck you into next week, fuck you into oblivion.”

Gillian was gasping by this stage, so wet she could feel it down the inside of her thighs. She offered no resistance when one of her legs was kicked roughly to the side by Caroline. Off-balance, Gillian threw her hands onto the tractor for support. Effectively spread-eagled in front of her lover, Gillian could feel Caroline grinding into her from behind as one of the hands caressing her breasts dipped lower, into her underpants. Searching, fingers found the wetness they were after, drawing a moan from Gillian and a reflexive move of her hips. It wasn’t long before the moisture was dragged up to her clit, and those talented fingers were amplifying her arousal even further.

“I love playing with your clit. Such velvety smoothness, such sounds you make. You are intoxicating. You’re a drug I can’t get enough of.” Caroline listened to Gillian’s ragged breathing.

Gillian’s hips were moving of their own accord, desperate for more contact, desperate for Caroline to be inside her. “Inside.” She gasped. “I want you inside me. Fuck me.”

“You want me to fuck you?” 

“God yes.”

“How would you like me to fuck you?”

“Fuck Caz, stop playing and fuck me already,” Gillian panted. “Hard! Fuck me hard!” she cried.

Caroline plunged her fingers into Gillian and bit the base of her neck, the combination pushing Gillian into a frenzy, her hips moving with a mania of need while Caroline fucked her until the spasm of her climax hit.

As Gillian became aware of her surroundings again, she could feel Caroline holding her up, fingers still inside her and lips gently kissing her neck. Caroline waited for the contractions to finish and then gently withdrew her fingers, resting them on Gillian’s belly. She held her until Gillian came fully into the reality of the present, softly kissing her neck and whispering how much she loved her.

Gillian couldn’t believe her luck, to find someone who found the right balance between hard and soft, give and take, between control and consent. She couldn’t believe how much she loved this woman. Her love seemed to forever expand into the spaces they made for each other. The tears started falling down her face, her heart cracking open at the possibilities of forever with this woman, while Caroline held her gently in her arms.


	20. Saturday - The School Fete

Caroline was adapting to being a visible lesbian again. It was easier for her than when she had been with Kate; she was more comfortable calling herself a lesbian and she was marginally less worried about what other people thought of her. It also helped that Gillian was unremitting in her public displays of affection and Caroline had grown used to holding Gillian’s hand while they were in public. She had found that if they weren’t touching for a while that Gillian would get a bit enthusiastic and would sporadically shove Caroline against a wall and snog her until she was wet and jelly-legged. So Caroline spent much of the time in a haze of lust when they were together and other people had sometimes become wallpaper to the scenes she and Gillian played.

As a result, Caroline and Gillian had discussed how much public affection with which Caroline was comfortable at the school. It seemed to be one thing on the street, in front of strangers, but here at her workplace, in front of staff, students and parents, Caroline felt much more reticent. It took some persuasion on the part of Gillian for Caroline to concede that for the sake of the LGBTIQ students she was supporting, Caroline needed to find her courage to fly the rainbow flag, so to speak. So when Gillian arrived at the school on the day of the fete with Flora, she walked up to Caroline, looking very sexy in her tight blue jeans and a new checked shirt, and Caroline paused only momentarily before she kissed Gillian on the mouth.

Flora squealed and Caroline’s face lit up with joy as she bent down to pick up the toddler. Flora was very happy to see mum and immediately snuggled into her neck.

Sheryl was beaming at them all, this happy little family unit. She was delighted to see this warmer side of Caroline that had rarely appeared at work.

“Hiya. Having a good day?” Gillian asked.

“Sure. It’s all going really well. You?”

“Yep. All good. Flora was very excited to see you at work. She is going to think this is your job though.” Gillian chuckled.

Caroline smiled. “You’re probably right.” Caroline thought that wasn’t such a bad idea. Her job would sound a lot more enticing to a child if she had a bouncy castle at work.

Caroline turned to Sheryl and introduced Gillian and Flora.

A steady stream of people came to meet Caroline and by extension, Gillian, most of whom were known by name by the impressive Sheryl. It helped being local, Sheryl said, but she had a prodigious memory for names and seemed to know most of the parents.

Unbeknownst to this small group, they were being watched surreptitiously by Celia, who had turned up with Alan. Celia wanted to support her daughter, but she was alarmed to find that Gillian had already arrived and had effectively set up camp along the main pathway into the school. That meant that every teacher and parent who came to the fete would run into the pair.

Watching this quietly from their table in the Devonshire tea cafe, it struck Celia how well Gillian was supporting Caroline. She had an easy way about her and seemed to be getting on with everyone. They were working the parents well together; Caroline was impressive and Gillian was friendly, and one or the other would charm everyone they came across. Celia was a bit shocked by this; she had been expecting a disaster from Gillian, but the two of them turned out to be a winning combination. Celia was a bit put out because they were being very obvious about their lesbianism with the way they were touching each other, holding hands and the like, but no one seemed to be even vaguely concerned about it.

Celia had, by luck rather than planning, found herself in the cafe run by the Parents’ Association. It gave her a steady stream of parents to interrogate about Caroline. To her surprise, no one she spoke to cared about Caroline being a lesbian, and all were very impressed with the changes they’d seen at the school in the short time Caroline had been Head. They’d seemed very friendly too, quite different to the parents at Sulgrave Heath, she thought.

Celia didn’t know it, but Julie was also on the roster. She was the mother of Peter, the young gay student who had been beaten up a month ago. When Julie found that Caroline’s mum was here, she made a beeline for her.

“Hiya, you don’t know me. I’m Julie, Peter’s mum.” She held out her hand and Celia shook it.

“Celia. How do you do.”

“Really well thanks. Much, much better since your daughter took over the school. She’s been brilliant.”

“Oh?” Celia was intrigued.

“Oh yeah. Peter was beaten up for being gay a month ago. Broken arm and bruises everywhere. Caroline stopped one of the bastards herself, and then expelled the lot of them. Bastards have been picking on queer kids for years and no one did anything. Then she comes along and they’re out on their ears and are up in court next month on charges of homophobic assault!”

Celia was stunned. She hadn’t heard any of this. Caroline had been holding out on her. “That’s great to hear. She never liked bullies, and she always did know how to stand up for people.”

“Peter’s completely changed. He’s gone from too scared to come to school and failing his grades, to passing everything. He can’t wait to come to school now. She’s done that, her and that club she started. She’s brilliant. Don’t let anyone tell you different.” Julie stood up straighter. “So if anyone gives her shit for being a dyke, tell them they have me to answer to; me and a whole bunch of mums.”

Celia’s eyes were wide by this stage. She had no idea what to say to that. “Well, I’m glad you’re happy with what she’s doing.”

“Yeah. You must be very proud.” Julie nodded. “Anyways, I gotta keep going. Nice to meet you.”

“Yes. Likewise. Thank you for telling me about Caroline.” Celia watched her go, stunned.

Alan looked at her. “Well that’s very nice, isn’t it? Our Caroline, doing all that.” He smiled, knowing that it would be causing Celia strife in the demarcated zones of Caroline=good, lesbian=bad in her head.

Celia grumbled at her plate, before looking out at the group surrounding Caroline again. Perhaps the world was changing a bit, she thought.

For Sheryl, the new Head Teacher was lovely to work with and she could already see the difference in the way the school was being managed. She’d even found that Caroline’s girlfriend was very personable and quite different to the posh, educated woman she had expected. It gave her a new appreciation for Caroline, who obviously had more depth than her accent and education might suggest.

Not long after Gillian and Flora had joined them, a tall, black couple approached them, aiming straight for Sheryl. Sheryl gave a squeal of excitement before she introduced Caroline and Gillian to her sister Sharleen, and Sharleen’s husband Dan.

Sharleen shook Caroline and Gillian’s hands. She squinted at Gillian. “I think we’ve met. We know your dad and Celia, and I think we met you at the sheep sales in Leeds last year. We have a farm up in Ripponden.”

“Oh, of course. Hiya.” Gillian was scrambling to make the connection until it clicked into place. Her dad had worked with Dan at Jessup’s when Dan was young, and now he and Sharleen had a farm not far away.

Sharleen was looking at Gillian, flicking her attention to Caroline, and back again. “Are you Celia’s daughter?” She asked Caroline. “Would that make you step-sisters?” She smiled broadly, before realising that both Caroline and Gillian looked a bit uncomfortable. She looked down at their hands, seeing their fingers entwined in the way of lovers.

Gillian looked at Caroline, wondering how to play this.

“Well, technically...” Caroline stumbled over the words.

“My dad...” Gillian took up the reigns.

“Married my mum...”

“When they were 75, so we met a few years ago. So yes, technically...”

“We’re step-sisters because our parents married...”

“But we didn’t meet each other until a few years ago.” Gillian had a big grin on her face, hiding the grimace as Caroline was crushing her hand so badly she had white knuckles.

Sharleen was excited. “That’s a fantastic story. Our brother,” nodding to Sheryl, “he’s gay and he’s always telling us how hard it is to find someone special, so well done!”

Sheryl was standing with her mouth open, wondering how the grapevine had missed this. “So, you’re related.” She finally managed to spit out, looking quickly at her own sister.

“Technically, but not by blood or anything.” Gillian clarified.

“Oh.” Sheryl’s mind was working overtime. “So your mum” pointing to Caroline, “married your dad,” pointing to Gillian, “and now you two are a pair.” Sheryl perked up. “Family gatherings must be fun, then,” she chuckled.

“Oh yeah. Laugh a minute sometimes.” Caroline snorted. “If you want to know something really freaky, we were born on the same day less than 40 miles apart.”

Sheryl’s jaw dropped. “Really? The same actual day, same year and everything?” At Gillian’s and Caroline’s nodding, Sheryl’s mind ticked over the probabilities of this and exploded just a little. “Wow.” Sheryl blinked, taking it all in. “Wow.”

Sheryl took a breath and smiled. “I have to say, you both seem really happy,” she said, looking at both Caroline and Gillian.

Caroline looked at Gillian with open affection. “Happier than I’ve been in years.”

Gillian returned the look, a big smile breaking out on her face.

“Mum, bouncy castle. I want bouncy castle.” Flora tapped Caroline’s shoulder, getting her attention.

“Oh, the bouncy castle. Yes, I did promise that, didn’t I.” Caroline kissed Flora’s head.

“I’ll take her. You keep working. I’m meeting Dad and Celia in an hour or so and they’ll take her home for her nap.”

“Thank you. Meet you later?” Caroline asked.

“Yep. I’ll find you.”

They leaned in for a kiss, before letting go of their hands so that Caroline could put Flora onto the ground. She watched Gillian and Flora walk towards the bouncing castle, hand in hand, talking animatedly. It was the warmth of her smile that really showed how she felt about Gillian, Sheryl thought.

Caroline wanted to follow them, sure that Gillian would be the sort to take her shoes off and join in and Caroline wanted to watch. Instead, Caroline had to play the adult and work. She had decided a while ago that dealing with parents was one of her least favourite parts of the job, and today hadn’t dissuaded her from that opinion although the vast majority were lovely. It was just too many people for Caroline. Fortunately Gillian was so adept at speaking to people from all walks of life that having her around made it all easier. Well, if Caroline was going to be honest, just having Gillian around made things easier. She smiled to herself, before greeting the next set of parents wanting a quick chat to the Head Teacher about their child.

It was another half an hour before Caroline managed to have a break. She and Sheryl both needed a moment to gather their thoughts before the next onslaught of parents and students. Caroline had spotted her mum in the Devonshire tea cafe earlier and wandered in that direction, hoping Celia and Alan would still be in the vicinity.

Caroline found them chatting to Helen, one of the Parents’ Association committee members.

“Hi Mum. Hi Alan. All well with you?” Caroline kissed them both on the cheek before landing a little heavily in a chair. “Lovely to sit down for a moment. How are the scones?”

“The scones are a little dry, but the tea is lovely,” opined Celia in her normal form. “Helen has been telling us how well some of the new programs are doing.”

“Thank you Helen. We have a long way to go, but we’ve made a start.” Caroline nodded at Helen, acknowledging the support she’d been given by the Association.

Helen was gracious about Caroline’s thanks. “We can see the changes Caroline is making, and some of the plans for the future. Some of the specialist programs, like the new psychology program, will significantly improve the prospects for those students. And some parents are telling us what a difference it makes having a Head Teacher who’s a lesbian. It’s completely changed the dynamic and the bullying has been significantly reduced for that group of very vulnerable students, especially after Peter’s troubles.” Helen waved to Julie as she walked past delivering more scones and tea.

Caroline couldn’t stop the little smirk from appearing at the edges of her mouth, while Celia’s face crumpled into a frown before quickly brightening into a fake smile.

“You didn’t tell me any of this Caroline. When did this all happen?” Celia was a little offended she’d been left out of the loop.

“Didn’t I? Oh, in the last few months, since I’ve been living with Gillian.” Caroline had a sly smile on her face, happy to have a little dig at her mum; it felt like payback for all the cheap shots her mother had got in about wanting her to settle down with a man after Kate died.

Celia grimaced, clearly unhappy with the turn the conversation had taken.

“I’m off now. Sorry I can’t stay. Parents to meet; students to encourage; staff to manage.” Caroline quickly pecked her mother and Alan on their cheeks again before turning to Helen.

“Thank you for everything you and your team are doing today Helen; amazing contribution to the school. We couldn’t do it without you.” She held out her hand to Helen, and they shook while Caroline shared one of her rare, beaming smiles.

Caroline marched out of the cafe, a smirk on her face, thanking the gods and Helen for a job well done with her mum. She couldn’t wait to tell Gillian about it, and the thought of it made her laugh. This was going to make her day, she thought.

 

* * *

 

It was late in the day and the fete was nearly over. Caroline and Annafrid were in a corridor outside the administration office, talking about the success of the stand run by the psychology students.

“They did a great job speaking with the public. It was a very thoughtful little research project you all created and the two potential corporate sponsors I brought around this morning were very impressed. Would you please...”

Caroline’s voice faded out at the sight of Gillian barreling around the corner, obviously distressed.

“Gillian!”

Gillian seemed oblivious to everyone except Caroline. She rushed straight up to Caroline, almost crashing into her as she desperately clung to her for sanctuary.

Caroline automatically shifted to accommodate Gillian, wrapping her arms around the tense body hanging on to her tightly.

“Annafrid, this is Gillian, my partner.” Caroline was stroking Gillian’s back. She turned her head down to Gillian, asking, “What’s the matter?”

Annafrid could sense that the two women needed a moment alone and took a step back. “This might be a bad time. I’ll see you next week Caroline.”

“Sure. Thanks for everything you’ve done today. See you next week.” She nodded at Annafrid briefly, flashing her a smile before she turned her focus to Gillian again.

 

* * *

 

_To be continued..._


	21. Saturday - Gillian's Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Gillian & Caroline deal with some of the trauma caused by Eddie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This is a fairly tough chapter for Gillian. It does have a happy ending, but I understand if you wish to skip it. We looked at some of Caroline's difficult past in previous chapters, mostly in The Anniversary, so it was fitting to look at some of Gillian's difficult past too._
> 
> _I promise the next chapter will be more fun._

“Has something happened? Has someone hurt you? Threatened you?” Caroline had never seen Gillian like this. Something was wrong and Caroline was starting to be very worried.

Gillian was silent. She knew she needed Caroline and that’s all she could think about. The relief of having found her was profound. Gillian was mentally playing the word ‘Caroline’ in a loop in her head, trying to drown out the visceral violence of Eddie’s hateful phrases that threatened to upend her into a spiral of mental decay. They filled her head, stripping her to a husk, an empty vessel to be filled with his hatred. She clung tighter to Caroline.

Caroline hugged Gillian for a few moments, waiting for Gillian to tell her what was going on. When she didn’t, Caroline stroked the back of her partner soothingly and said quietly, “Whatever it is, we’ll sort it out together. You and I, we can sort this out together.”

Gillian remained silent, rigid in her arms. 

Caroline could feel the fear rising like a cold wave up her body. Gillian was in deep trouble; there was something seriously wrong. Caroline pulled out her mobile phone and called Doug, the Deputy Head Teacher, to let him know that she was leaving the fete a bit early and that she’d see him on Monday.

She held one arm tightly around Gillian who clung to her like a life raft as they walked through the sea of people to the Jeep. Caroline was oblivious to everyone one else; all she could think about was getting Gillian to safety. She helped Gillian in the passenger side and climbed in next to her. She plugged in her phone and called Celia as she drove out the school gates.

“Mum, Hi. It’s me. I need you to do me a favour. Would you please look after Flora tonight? Something’s come up.”

“What’s happened Caroline?” Caroline could hear the worry in her mum’s voice.

“Everything’s fine. Something’s come up and I need you to look after Flora. Can you do that for me please?”

“Tell me what’s happened.” Celia was digging in.

“Everything’s fine. I just need you to look after Flora. If you’re busy I’ll find someone else.”

“Okay. We’ll look after little Flora. Everything is still at ours, is it?”

“Yes, it’s all there. Thank you, Mum. I’ll call you tomorrow morning.”

“You will tell me what’s up, won’t you?” An unpleasant thought popped into Celia’s head. “You’re not going for a mucky weekend are you?”

Caroline could hear the disapproval in her mum’s voice. “No Mum. It isn’t that.”

“Okay. What is it then?” Celia still wanted an answer, but Caroline wasn’t ever going to give her one, not about this.

“I’ll call you tomorrow Mum. Thank you for looking after Flora. Bye. Bye bye.” Caroline hung up before her mum could get in another question.

Flora looked after for the evening, Caroline returned her attention to Gillian, noticing she was hugging the door, looking smaller every second they got closer to the farm. 

“Gillian, do you want to go home? Would you rather go somewhere else? We could go to mine but our parents and Flora are there. We could go to a friend’s place, or to a hotel. What do you want me to do?” Caroline could see the distress coming off Gillian in waves. She thought someone might have triggered something about Eddie, but with no information, it was hard to know.

“Not the farm.”

Some information at last. Caroline had a guess. “Hotel?”

Gillian nodded.

“Okay. Hotel it is. Any particular one, or somewhere you haven’t been before?”

“Somewhere new.”

Ah, okay. This was starting to click into place. Caroline turned at the next intersection, redirecting them to a quiet hotel she’d been to when she attended a conference two years ago. She figured that somewhere expensive would be out of Eddie’s price range. Quiet and out of the way, it had room service and big spa baths in some of the rooms, which she thought might give them some options. She hoped they had a vacant room at such late notice.

Caroline called Raff and asked him to feed the animals at the farm for the rest of the weekend, and cancelled their Sunday lunch. Their obligations dealt with, Caroline focused on Gillian and getting to the hotel. She made one quick stop on the way for supplies. She knew the upmarket hotel would provide some of the toiletries, but they’d still need a few things. When they arrived, she left Gillian huddled in the car while she checked in, feeling a bit awkward that they didn’t have any luggage.

Once Caroline had shepherded Gillian into the room, Caroline shut the door behind them, leaving the do not disturb tag swinging on the door handle outside. She turned to find Gillian was seemingly anchored in the middle of the room, silent, staring, arms wrapped around herself like she was freezing despite the warmth of the room. When Caroline stood in front of Gillian, Gillian stared right through her. It was more than unnerving; Gillian was tangled inside her own head.

Caroline was trying to remember some of the books she’d read recently about trauma and abuse and helping people to cope. She wished she’d done some training in it, but she hadn’t made the time. She would in the future, she silently promised Gillian.

Self-autonomous power and consent were good starting points; she did remember that. She stood in front of Gillian, careful not to touch her. 

“Gillian, I don’t know what’s happened, but does this have something to do with Eddie,” she asked quietly?

Gillian nodded once.

“It’s just you and me here. We’re safe. No one else will come in. I’ve put the sign on the door.” She paused, wondering what to do next. “Would you like some food, or a cup of tea? Would you like a bath, or a shower? We can have alcohol if you want; I’m not sure that’s a great idea today, but we can do that if you like. What do you want?”

“Bath.”

“Okay. I’ll run the bath.”

Gillian followed Caroline into the bathroom. Once the water level in the bath started to rise, Caroline turned to Gillian, quietly asking, “Would you like a hand to get undressed?”

Gillian shook her head, but she slowly unfolded her arms and took off her jacket, handing it to Caroline. Gillian gradually undressed, handing each item of clothing to Caroline in some sort of ritual Caroline didn’t recognise. When she was naked, she covered her breasts and crotch like she was ashamed in a way Caroline had never seen before. She stepped into the deep bath, submerging herself for over a minute before coming up for air. 

In a small voice, she asked, “Would you scrub my back please? I want to be clean.”

Caroline swallowed, holding in her tears. “Whatever you want my love.” She took off her clothes quickly and sat behind Gillian in the large bath, hoping to hide the tears that were spilling from her eyes. Caroline’s heart broke a little, seeing Gillian like this.

For the next hour, Caroline washed every part of Gillian, scrubbing as hard as Gillian wanted, as hard as Gillian could bear it, washing away the memories of whatever was haunting her. Every step was prefaced with a question, asking permission to touch, telling Gillian what she was going to do before doing it, always ceding to Gillian the control over her own body. 

By the end of the bath, Gillian’s skin was red raw from the scrubbing she wanted, but at last Gillian was starting to feel clean again. They got out of the bath, wrapped themselves up in thick cotton bathrobes and Caroline ordered an early dinner for them. 

While they waited for the dinner to arrive, Caroline picked up all of Gillian’s clothes, emptied the pockets and asked the laundry service to wash and sterilise the lot for them by tomorrow morning. If Gillian had wanted to scrub off her own skin, Caroline figured she’d need her clothes decontaminated too. 

After a dinner of surprisingly satisfying burgers and chips, Caroline showed Gillian the scented candles and massage oil she’d bought on the way to the hotel. 

“This oil is fantastic for healing your skin. I’d like to give you a massage. Would you like a gentle massage? I thought it might be nice for us, but it could be too much for tonight. Entirely up to you.” 

Caroline held out her hand, and after a second or two, Gillian placed her hand in Caroline’s. “Yeah. That would be nice. Thanks Caroline.” Gillian’s words and small smile gave Caroline such relief that her face blossomed into one of her miraculous, loving smiles that warmed the entire room. 

Caroline spent the next three hours gently touching and kissing and massaging the oil into Gillian’s skin. Starting with Gillian’s extremities, Caroline slowly moved towards Gillian’s trunk, gradually reconnecting Gillian with her skin. She paid special attention to all the scars and burns, knocks and bumps, all the epidermal evidence of Gillian’s path through life. She kissed and lovingly tended each of those old wounds. Caroline didn’t know what had caused them; she had thought it was too intrusive to ask. Some could have been from childhood accidents or farming, but some were clearly from Eddie. The circular burn marks, obvious by their circumference to be from cigarettes, were damning of Gillian’s first husband, and also of the second, who had ignored the violence of the first. 

At some point during the tender reclamation of Gillian’s body, Caroline had explained how she felt. “I can’t change what has happened in your life. I would love to have changed Eddie for you, so that you didn’t have to go through that nightmare. And yet, those experiences have made you who you are today. I love who you are. I love your body; all of it. I love that it is you who inhabits it. You are the strongest person I know; the most loving, and the most generous.” She kissed Gillian between her shoulder blades. “You are sweeter than I will ever deserve.” She lovingly kissed Gillian on each of her shoulders. “I love you Gillian.”

Gillian turned over, her whole body glistening with the oil, and held out her arms to Caroline. “Hold me, Caroline.”

Caroline lay down next to Gillian. They embraced, the oil making their bodies slide together. As Caroline held Gillian in her arms, Gillian talked about the man who had groped her at the fete. It had been such a shock that Gillian didn’t react, giving the sly predator the opportunity to escape into the crowd. The episode wasn’t really about what he had done, but that it had brought back all the trauma of Eddie, all the pain, the humiliations, the shame, the hostile words, the violence. She explained that normally if she couldn’t get Eddie out of her head, she would go on a bender, or find someone to shag. She’d never done something like this before but she felt like she had reclaimed some of her body today. She felt more whole, more ‘Gillian’.

As they lay together, Gillian nestling into her, Caroline thought of all the men that Gillian had slept with. She’d guessed that it might have had something to do with Gillian’s response to the trauma caused by Eddie, but to hear it so explicitly stated was still shocking. It made her re-evaluate all of their sexual encounters, sifting carefully through each one to find if she could have unconsciously played any part in perpetuating the trauma. The thought that she might have made things worse for Gillian horrified her.

She wondered if Gillian’s need to continually touch her in public was a response to this too. She had thought it was the simple chemical response of lust, the lure of the pheromones of a new lover, but she now wondered if it was something else. She didn’t think it mattered in the end if Gillian wanted to keep doing it. Caroline had overcome some of her own fears and had grown to like holding Gillian’s hand in public. It gave her the sense that she wasn’t on the journey alone, that they’d be going wherever they were going together. And it had been a revelation to find that while two middle-aged women holding hands may have surprised some people, there were very few negative reactions.

They talked about Eddie in more detail, and how Gillian coped with the memories. Caroline was amazed at how well Gillian had been able to cope with all that violence and still be as sane and loving as she was. She was in awe of how well Gillian managed; how she’d raised Raff alone despite the maelstrom with Robbie. And now she was raising Raff, Ellie and Calamity while holding down two jobs and a new lover. As for that last bit, Caroline wondered how the hell did Gillian manage to be such a generous lover after all of that violence? Caroline didn’t think she’d be able to move past such a history. It seemed so strange that they were born on the same day and yet their paths had been so different before they found each other.

It was when Gillian spoke about having brought some of these men back into her bed, to disguise the memories of Eddie, that they both acknowledged that the bed had to go. It was too full of the history of all those blokes, all those random shags. Caroline said she would buy them a new bed tomorrow morning, and on Monday, when it was delivered, they would ask the delivery people to put the old one in the courtyard. She would hand Gillian the matches and the petrol and Gillian could set the bastard on fire, saying goodbye to the bloody lot of them. 

Gillian loved this idea. 

“That’s brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that before?” Gillian laughed with glee at the thought of dowsing the bed with petrol before ceremoniously flicking the match to start the conflagration of her traumatic and problematic past.

“Ha! That’s going to be epic. We should read something by Jeanette Winterson, or sing _Cell Block Tango_ while it goes up. Ha!”

Caroline was wondering if she’d regret the idea. Not the new bed, obviously. She’d been busting to get rid of that lumpy bed full of bad memories for months, but the idea of setting the thing afire was now troubling her. She should have known that Gillian would push any slightly mad idea she came up with to it’s illogical conclusion.

“I don’t know that all blokes are bad, Gillian. Only some of them are ball bags that deserve to be made into coin purses.” 

She could feel Gillian shaking before the laughter burst out loud. It was too hard not to join in, and they laughed until they had tears running down their cheeks. Some of the tension and horrors of the day finally released, they snuggled into one another happily and eventually drifted off to sleep, entangled in one another’s limbs. 

It was Gillian who woke first, in the wee hours of the morning, sliding her body over Caroline’s, waking her with long slow kisses and tender caresses. It was several weeks before Gillian wanted to make love, and a month before Gillian invited Caroline insider her again, but when she did, Gillian felt her body was entirely hers again and the choice entirely hers to make. Their lovemaking had changed over the months they’d been together and had become deeper and more connected. They were the richer for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first iterations of this were diabolical for both Gillian and Caroline. I've softened this to a large degree, while trying to retain some of the indicators which are common among sexual assault survivors and survivors of family violence. I apologise if it goes too far, or not far enough.


	22. Friday Night Dinner - The Farm

Caroline opened the door and stood in the hallway, listening to the sounds emanating from within; the humming of the fridge motor in the kitchen, the regular beats of the clock in the hall, and the sporadic scratching of a tree twig against a windowpane in the lounge. It was the first time she’d been back for weeks and the first time she’d been there alone for months. Now that her mother and Alan had moved out, her house felt empty despite all the furnishings from Conway Drive.

Caroline moved quietly through each of the rooms, reacquainting herself with her home. Surrounded by her things, Caroline became aware that while everything felt familiar, there had been an adjustment to the fabric of it. In the lounge, the couches looked more like they were staging a sit-in rather than inhabiting the room. It had been so long since she’d lived here that it felt more reminiscent of home, rather than home itself, a facsimile rather than the original.

She walked into the kitchen, pulled a bottle of Merlot from the wine rack and poured herself a glass. She sat at the end of the table and ran her hands over the dark wood, deep in thought.

When her father died, Caroline had persuaded her mum to come and live with her. That’s when they found the house at Conway Drive, with the separate flat out the back for Celia. At the time it was an ideal arrangement. She could keep a bit of an eye on her mum, and her mum could help look after the boys if John was busy while Caroline worked.

It had suited everyone, until the arrival of Kate and Caroline’s queer reawakening. Yet here she was again, rebuilding a home for herself and her family. The boys had effectively flown the coop although she’d always have room for them, so that left her and Flora, and Gillian if she wanted to be part of it. Caroline knew she was going to have to discuss this with Gillian. They’d both been dreading it. She sighed.

Caroline was aware that the night of the storm and her mother’s reaction to it had pushed Caroline into moving in with Gillian, probably before they would normally have if they’d been left to their own devices. She wondered if that was a pattern of hers, to need external pressure to get her moving in her relationships. With John, it had been the pressure to be ticking all the standard social boxes. Kate had been about pushing bloody John out of the house. And Gillian, well, that had been about her mum.

So now she had a choice of where and how she lived, did she want to move back here from the farm? There were advantages. She really missed her things, the little knick knacks, the gifts made by the boys, the painting of the seascape that reminded her of the best holiday she and her parents ever had. The sense of having her own place was not a little thing at all and she dearly missed it. She closed her eyes and soaked in the thought of having her own space, if only for a short while. Feeling the texture of the wooden table under her hands, Caroline thought of her past, trying to see if there was a logical path to her future.

She stood up, collected her glass in her fingertips and walked through the back door into the garden. The sun was only an hour from the horizon and was already losing what little heat it had offered. It felt like the day was mirroring her own thoughts, the change from day to night a delineation between life fitting into cultural expectations and the chaos of challenging it, to a conscious choice to create the life and the family she wanted. The weight of the responsibility of that choice was heavy, and yet the opportunities to be really happy lightened the load to featherweight. She smiled to herself. It really wasn’t a choice at all, if she wanted to be happy.

Caroline raised her glass to the coming sunset, drained it and went back inside. She washed the glass, grabbed the rest of the merlot and headed back to the car to pick up Flora. Her heart felt lighter, her head clearer, the decision made.

 

 

* * *

 

Gillian had spent the last few hours drenching the ewes before mustering them and their lambs into a clean paddock. The summer feed was blooming in the top paddock, and the drenching would clean out any intestinal parasites so the ewes could make the most of the late summer growth to feed their lambs.

The bulk of the work done for the day, Gillian tinkered with a gate she was rebuilding in one of the sheds while she thought about the end of Raff’s school days. Raff had finished his A2 exams and was waiting for results. She was crossing her fingers that he got into the course he wanted at Leeds, but he’d been studying hard and she had a good feeling about it.

It was a bit weird, she thought, to have a son just about to study at university, and yet here she was, still uneducated, still working a minimum wage job for a shitty boss, and still raising a child. She didn’t feel like she’d moved at all since she was 18. The only changes were that she owned the farm and her knees ached at night. The one light at the end of the tunnel for Gillian was Caroline, and who could predict what would happen there. She knew they’d have to talk about it, but they were both dreading it and had obviously been putting it off for a while.

Alan and Celia moved into their new house in Holywell Green. She and Caroline had helped them to get everything set up during the week, and she’d visited them since. It was a lovely house, and very practical for them. It did open up the question about what Caroline would do. Would she want to stay living with Gillian now she could go back to her bigger, posher house? The question had been turning over and over in Gillian’s mind for weeks, making her increasingly short tempered as the opportunity for Caroline to leave came ever closer.

She closed her eyes and gripped the galvanized iron bolt, hoping that she’d be enough for Caroline. Sure, the sex was brilliant; best she’d ever had. No one else came close on that front. What Caroline could do with her tongue was nothing short of miraculous. Who the hell had taught her those tricks she didn’t know, but she presumed it was Kate. God bless that ghost.

It had been a change for her, coming out of the bisexual closet at 48. Her father had made a valiant effort and Raff and Ellie had just been wonderful. She smiled. She really couldn’t be luckier with those two. Most people she knew had been fine about it. She was so used to feeling stares and hearing whispers behind her back that walking around Halifax holding hands with a woman instead of a man felt like just another round of gossip. However, there were quite a few of her old flames who generously offered the opportunity of a threesome once they’d seen the posh blonde with long legs that Gillian was squiring around. One of them had gamely offered his services in front of Caroline, who proceeded to shrivel his dick with a glare of death until he mumbled an apology and scurried off. Gillian laughed out loud at the scene as she replayed it in her head; Caroline was a gloriously snotty bitch sometimes.

Things had really changed for Gillian during the weekend of the school fete 6 weeks ago. Caroline had done something she didn’t expect from anyone; she actually took care of Gillian as her first priority. She’d never been a priority before; it was a revelation. She’d never felt valued, not since she was 15 and had become such a disappointment to her parents. She loved her dad, but it had really all gone to shit after that. Raff was the only saving grace from the lot of it, she thought.

Something had shifted for Gillian that weekend. Caroline had helped her to get past some of the stuff about Eddie. She had noticed that she was drinking less and was feeling much more settled in herself. She was sleeping better, and the terrifying nightmares had lessened too. When they happened, Caroline had worked out that just being there was what she wanted. Robbie had never understood that. He would pace the room trying to ‘fix’ it rather than just sitting with her while she moved through the memories that haunted her. For someone not fantastic at dealing with her own feelings, Caroline was great at helping Gillian manage this terrifying history. She could see Caroline mentally trawling through the database in her head for the right approach whenever Gillian had one of her flashbacks. Caroline had been thorough in her research and had read a stack of books and papers about PTSD and responses to trauma, although she knew Caroline did her best to hide the fact. What was so surprising to Gillian was that Caroline would put the effort in to do this for her. It just wasn’t something she was used to.

She could hear the Jeep coming up the drive. Gillian put the spanner back in the toolbox, sprayed her hands with a degreaser and wiped them on the clean rag hanging up by the shed door. She took a deep breath, letting go of her thoughts, and walked into the sunshine to greet her partner with a smile from ear to ear.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Gillian had just finished the washing up after dinner when she noticed Caroline putting the clean plates back into the cupboard. Well, she noticed the fabric of Caroline’s shirt pull tight over her breasts as Caroline reached up for the cupboard. Caroline’s beautiful breasts changed shape as she moved her body, and Gillian was mesmerised by the lovely swell and sway of them.

Gillian hadn’t quite understood that she’d become bewitched until those deliciously soft breasts started jiggling as Caroline laughed. Gillian had been sprung perving at her lover’s tits. Again.

“Sorry. Sorry. I get distracted when you move. They just...Sorry.” Gillian was a little embarrassed; she felt like a hormonal teenager.

Caroline was amused by Gillian’s awkwardness, which didn’t happen often. “I’m very glad you like them so much.” She moved towards Gillian and gently pulled Gillian’s head onto her chest. “You certainly pay them a lot of attention, and you know I rather like that. I’m delighted, actually.”

Gillian breathed in and let out a contented sigh, wrapping her arms around Caroline. She always felt like she was in heaven when her head rested on Caroline’s chest. The stress of the day fell from her body as she snuggled into her lover’s body. “I could stay here forever.”

Caroline grinned. “I know what you mean. Why don’t we grab our drinks and adjourn to the couch for a cuddle?”

Gillian nodded, and then realising where her head was, started nuzzling the enchanting soft tissue under her face. Caroline chuckled, and took a step back, thinking that would break the spell. She laughed when Gillian followed her around the kitchen, attached to her like a contented limpet.

“Come on. I want my wine.” Caroline poked Gillian in the ribs, and finally Gillian released her grip.

“Oh, well, if it’s about the wine, then.” She lifted her head and kissed Caroline in the lips before turning to pick up their glasses and move into the lounge.

Caroline followed with what was left of the merlot they’d started, a warm smile reaching her eyes.

Caroline and Gillian slumped side by side on the old couch, feet and glasses of wine populating the coffee table. Gillian snuggled into Caroline, resting her head on Caroline’s shoulder. They slouched in comfortable silence, enjoying the tranquility of the evening. Flora was upstairs, but she usually slept well before midnight.

Caroline lifted Gillian’s nearest hand up to her mouth and kissed it softly. “This is nice, isn’t it? Just the three of us.”

Gillian nodded, and then nestled deeper into Caroline.

“How would you feel about making this a bit more permanent?” Caroline turned her head to watch Gillian’s reaction.

“What do you mean, Caz?”

“Well, us living together. I went to my house today, and it was a bit weird. It didn’t feel like home any more. I mean, all my things were there, but it was no longer home. But I don’t think of this place as home either. I think of you as home, but not this place.”

“So home is me, but not here?”

“Yeah. There are too many ghosts here Gillian. I can’t help but think of Eddie in every corner of this farm. I have no idea how you manage it, but he’s everywhere. I try to push him out, but from the moment I come up the drive, I can feel his presence pressing in on me; he’s a constant in this place.”

Gillian was shocked. She knew she was always dealing with Eddie in her head, but to find that Caroline was too was horrifying.

“Do you mean his ghost? Has he tried to hurt you?” Gillian was starting to freak out. She sat up suddenly.

“No, no. Nothing like that. I know you don’t want me going into the barn or any of the sheds alone, and I don’t do that because you asked me to. The problem is that I can’t help but think of him, here, with you. It will never be home to me, it will never be ours, when he is everywhere.”

“Oh. I see what you mean.” Gillian lies back down, still a bit agitated by the discussion.

“What I was thinking, and it is just that, a thought, was that we could get something together. Something new for both of us. I think I’d like that.” Caroline turned so she was looking directly at Gillian, to gauge her response.

“A new place? I only know how to farm. The only other thing I can do is work at a supermarket. No way I can afford a house on supermarket wages, Caz, you know that.”

“I know. I wasn’t thinking of a house; I was thinking of a new farm. A farm that you work, and close enough for me to get to school.”

“A farm? You’d live on a farm?” Gillian was starting to scoff a little at this. Caroline’s fondness for stiletto’s and pencil skirts was the stuff of legend, not that Gillian didn’t appreciate the gorgeous sight of Caroline in a pencil skirt and a pair of ridiculously high stilettos.

Caroline was a bit astonished by that reply. “Gillian, have you not noticed that I’ve been living on a farm for the last three months?”

“Oh. That’s right. Sorry.’

“Twat.”

“Yep.”

They both chuckled.

“So somewhere new, you say.” Gillian turned it over in her head. “But I love this place. This place is mine. It were never Eddie’s. He never really worked it. It were always me.”

“I know that. I know this is yours, and this is your dream. I just can’t separate Eddie from it, when your dream is attached to this land. I’m sure you can’t either, if you’re honest, Gillian.” Caroline started caressing Gillian’s arm absentmindedly.

“I guess.”

“I was thinking that a new farm would also allow you to expand, or diversify. I know you were talking a couple of weeks ago of how farming livestock in the UK was in trouble and even with the government subsidies that farmers needed to diversify to make a profit. How wonderful would it be to just work on the farm, and not have to do anything else? If we moved, we could look for something that gave you options for that. I think it’s worth considering, Gillian. I really do.”

“I hadn’t thought of that. I guess I thought this place would be where I wound up, and that were it. I’d never thought of moving.” Gillian pondered the idea for a while, and they lapsed into a comfortable silence that lasted at nearly ten minutes.

It was Gillian who broke into the stillness. “So you want us to live together, just not here. And if we move, it would be to a farm, one that would enable us to diversify so that I’d be able to give up the other job. And it would have to be somewhere close enough for you to get to work. That’s the gist of it, yeah?”

“Yep. That’s it.”

“Why?”

“What? What do you mean ‘Why?’” Caroline sat up, completely flummoxed by the question.

“Why? Why do you want to live with me, on a farm? Why?” Gillian thought it a legitimate question.

“Oh. Why do I want to live with you?” Caroline sighed heavily, not sure how to answer that. It was a big question.

“Okay.” Caroline had a large sip of wine, carefully returned the glass to the table, and turned to face Gillian. She was stalling for time, trying to get her thoughts in order.

Gillian knew exactly what was happening with the tactic; she’d seen it often enough when Caroline was asked about her feelings. It was almost like Caroline had to wrangle them into alphabetical order or something before she could understand them. She waited patiently for Caroline to explain how she felt about the idea.

Caroline took another sip of wine, again carefully returning the glass to the table. She turned to Gillian.

Caroline breathed in and released a nervous breath. “I loved Kate, but in some ways it was like I never really knew her. There was still so much we had to learn about each other. We really only experienced the first part of our relationship. The second part, the bit with the meat on the bones, we didn’t get to. We didn’t have enough time and I’m really sorry for that. I think it would have been different if we’d been together for years, because it would have changed us, changed our relationship, and changed how we loved each other.

“However, you and I are a different story. We’ve known each other for over four years now. You’ve let me see the bits of you that no one else sees. The bits of you that are damaged and flawed, beautiful and loving, sweet and savage. All of it. And you’ve seen all of me; the good and the bad. On top of that, it feels like for the last six months we’ve been living in a hothouse, growing our relationship at a speed faster than normal.”

“Oh. You mean ‘lesbian years’?” Gillian interrupted.

“What?” Caroline was completely thrown. “What the hell are lesbian years?”

“That’s the idea that lesbians meet, fall in love, move in, break up and move out. But instead of this happening over 20 years, it happens over 3 months. Lesbian years; when relationships are really intense and move faster.” Gillian was surprised that Caroline hadn’t heard the concept and was thinking about that when Caroline burst into loud laughter.

“Oh god, that’s so true!” Caroline was cackling now.

Gillian was chuckling at Caroline’s hysteria more than anything, waiting for her to get over the joke.

Eventually Caroline calmed down, took another sip of wine, and slouched back on the couch.

“Where was I... Oh yes. I was saying that we’ve really grown our relationship fast,” she chuckled again before becoming more serious. “I have a sense that I know you better than I ever knew Kate. It’s like you and I went past the first part of our relationship really quickly. Perhaps we did that when we were friends, when you first told me about Eddie. I don’t know, but I’m just saying that I’ve grown to love the complexity and chaos and strength of you. I’ve grown to respect and love every part of you.

“It’s not that I loved Kate any more or any less than you. It has felt just as intense, just as strong. What feels different is how I am within the relationship. It’s me who has changed. I’ve been changed by time and by Kate, and it is me who is able to engage with you in a way that is stronger, more complex, and more forgiving of myself, and of you.”

Ever so gently, Caroline took Gillian’s face in her hands. She looked deeply into her eyes. “I guess what I’m trying to say, ever so awkwardly, is that I love you, Gillian. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Gillian could barely breath. The air was caught in her lungs, unable to escape. She was overwhelmed by Caroline’s declaration. She sat up and leaned forward, capturing Caroline’s lips with the shaky lips of her own.

“I love you, too.”

Gillian’s crooked smile betrayed how stupidly in love she was with this complex woman. “I can’t think of anyone else but you. I can’t imagine loving anyone else but you.”

Gillian could see Caroline’s relief that she wasn’t on her own with this, this excruciatingly vulnerable feeling that would be so devastating if it wasn’t returned. She reached up to hold Caroline’s cheek in the palm of her hand. “I still can’t believe how lucky I am. An uneducated slapper with a crappy past...what the hell am I doing with the likes of you? I still don’t get it, but I love it, and I thank my lucky sheep dog every day for you.”

Caroline smiled, kissing the palm caressing her face.

Gillian knew they needed to discuss her past. They’d been skirting around it since the school fete, but she knew they needed to deal with it. She closed her eyes and dropped her head, terrified that this would mean the end of it, this extraordinary thing that had happened between them.

Caroline moved her hand to Gillian’s back, calming her as she moved her hand in large soothing circles. She could tell Gillian was going to go there, that place they both carefully avoided.

“When I think of Eddie, I can feel him clawing at me, trying to take me back there to that place. You feel like the future, to me. I can feel that it’s lighter, and happier, but it’s not something I know. I didn’t grow up in that place. I’m more comfortable in the dark, so to me, the future with you is scary. It’s not somewhere I know how to be. Who am I, if I’m not the woman dealing with Eddie? It’s like I don’t have a sense of who I am without him; he defines me.”

The tears were falling down Caroline’s face but she didn’t move to wipe them. Instead she pulled Gillian into a hug so that Gillian was almost lying on top of her.

“Time will help with that Gillian. Don’t you think I had to redefine myself when I came out as a lesbian at 46? Don’t you think that made me re-evaluate absolutely _everything_ that I knew about myself, who I was and how I relate to the world? It was hard. It was bloody hard, but I wouldn’t change a second of it. Okay, maybe my mum, but you know what I mean.

“What I mean is, perhaps we need to help you to redefine yourself. Perhaps it is time to let go of Eddie. Perhaps moving somewhere else will help with that, if he’s not always in your thoughts, not always in your home, in every room, in every barn, attached to every surface...” She breathed in, trying not to be as cruel as she really wanted to be about Eddie.

Gillian wrapped her arm around Caroline and held on tight. She nestled into the shoulder under her face, thinking about what had been said.

“The other thing I need to tell you, is that I’ve never wanted to shag anyone else since we’ve been together. I know that it would hurt you, but I’ve never...” Gillian paused, trying to find the words that wouldn’t hurt Caroline too much.

Caroline said quietly, “It might break me Gillian. I’d understand it, but it might break me.”

Gillian held on tighter. “I know. I think I know that.” She paused, wondering how to explain it. “I can’t see myself doing it again, but I can’t promise either. When I get like that, it’s like I’m not really in control of myself. I feel so shit and I’m so desperate for escape that I can’t think clearly. It’s like it’s my only option.” She hugs Caroline more tightly. “I know it isn’t what you want to hear, but I can’t guarantee it won’t happen. I will try to come to you first, like I did at the fete. You saved me Caroline. I couldn’t have done that without you.”

“I’ll do anything I can to help, you know that. Whatever it takes.”

Caroline rested her cheek on Gillian’s head, both of them drawing comfort from their embrace. They lay in silence thinking about all they’d said, the words floating in the air like confetti at a party, full of promise and possibilities.

Gillian quietly broke the silence. “Do you think we could try to live at yours for a bit, see what its like for me, before we go somewhere else? I could come back here every day, like a job. Or maybe get Raff and Ellie to live here for a bit, or something?”

Caroline smiled. It was a start, a first step in separating Gillian from Eddie and the trauma of that history. “Of course. That would be great. You can bring whatever you want to mine, and obviously there will be room for Calamity, and Raff and Ellie too if needs be. Of course you can. I would love it, you know that. To have my stuff with me and a house with heating _and_ you; what a treat for me!” She kissed Gillian’s forehead contentedly.

“Its a place to start Caroline. I want to be with you, and I know what you mean. It is time to move on. Thank you for being so understanding.” She lifted her head off Caroline’s shoulder so they could kiss tenderly.

“Besides, isn’t it time we rechristened that kitchen table?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter for this fic. I did tell you it would have a happy ending :)
> 
> I had some help with this fic, with The Tempest and later chapters. Another writer kindly gave me some feedback which has definitely improved the work, although all the writing and the errors are mine. The last few chapters would not have been as good without your help. Thank you for your thoughtful, and constructive feedback. I've learned a lot and it has meant a lot to me to have your support. Thank you.
> 
> I hope you've all enjoyed this fic. I've had a blast, and have loved reading your feedback too. Thank you for your very kind, and inspiring comments, and thank you all for your patience with me while I learn how to do this. It's been lovely to share my borderline obsession with these two mad cows with you all.
> 
> I am planning on writing more with these two women, and it may be one-shots, or I may continue this series in a new fic. Be patient with me; I have to pay some bills in the meantime.


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